Breaking news from last month

dressing up a new puppy

We lost our little Ruby at the end of the summer. I'm late with the news but she was attacked by dogs and McKenna saw it happen and I can't think about it for long before I hear the screams echoing all over again. Mark and I always joked that she was a therapy pig but it wasn't really a joke. When McKenna couldn't process emotions she went to Ruby, pulling her to her lap or climbing into the space where she slept. She talked to her and pet her until she was calm again. Animals seem to offer McKenna an escape from her anxiety that we cannot. Luckily, we had been talking about getting a dog long before Ruby's accident. We had visited a few pet adoption fairs and researched what kind of Continue Reading

Seven times three

triplets in nicu

Once or twice when Parker and McKenna were babies I came across people who were one of boy/girl twins. I went way past my social comfort zone and delivered my How Close Are You To Your Fraternal Sibling? survey. After losing Hadley, I needed to know that McKenna would still have someone. You see, I had dreamy plans for how close my two girls would be. Giving my daughter a sister her own age felt like winning the lottery. And then our prize was taken away. I wanted these boy/girl sets to tell me they shared a room for years on end, went to the same college and could complete each other's sentences. I was new at having more than one child, my diaper bag packed with grandiose dreams of Continue Reading

How to survive

name plaque

When we found out we were expecting triplets I avoided the horror stories. I clicked away from tales of early labor, grim statistics and the unthinkable... losing a baby. I couldn't bear to think anything could happen to my unborn children. Truthfully, I wondered how women who suffered the loss of a child continued on. I could not imagine life after loss, burying a child and having to move forward. It was all too heart-wrenching to think about, so I never did. Then came the day it was me, when my husband and I found ourselves debating over a casket or an urn, trying to decide if we should hold a funeral or wait and organize a memorial when our heads were more clear. The Continue Reading

Rare Bird

Rare-Bird-Blog-tour

I've had this book on my book shelf for months. Admittedly, I put off reading it. I knew Anna's tragic story of losing her son, had read her beautiful words for years on her blog and had met her in person and talked and talked and talking about mothering and grieving. I was afraid to read because I didn't want to be pulled down by the devastating sadness in her story. What I didn't know would happen was that I would be lifted up by the hope. Rare Bird shares the intricacies of motherhood, the push and pull of parenting and of wanting to keep our kids safe while teaching them resilience. I found myself not only comforted by the universal truths of grief Anna shares so openly but by Continue Reading

What to Give

what to give to someone who is grieving

I am often asked for ideas on what to give someone who has experienced pregnancy loss or the loss of an infant or child. I wish this question never had to come up but am so glad there are thoughtful people out there who want to do something to ease the pain of others. I thought I would put together a list of my favorite products and ideas I have come across over the years that may bring comfort to someone who is grieving. 1. Molly Bear- Molly Bears is a non-profit founded by a fellow loss mom who creates bears the exact weight of your infant at the time they passed. Words can't express the feelings that rushed over me the first time I lifted my bear out of its box and there are a Continue Reading

Under the category of grief

Reading for LTYM

I have a list of categories for my blog, everything I write is divided into a few main subjects. Autism, Motherhood, DIY/Pinterest-y stuff and Grief. Before I publish a post I check a box next to one of the topics, classifying under what category my writing falls. A few years ago, I checked the box next to "grief" for nearly every post. It was all I could write about. The only thing I needed to talk through, to make some kind of sense I rarely check that box anymore and I know this is a good thing. It means life goes on and the pain, as so many told me, does get easier to live with. You make room for it in your life. It cozies up and sits down beside you and you don't push it away like Continue Reading

Who will be your 15 minutes?

acts of kindness

At the end of middle school a girl Ashlyn went to school with moved out of state. She was Ashlyn's peer support, a student chosen to help her during the day, but also her friend. When she moved away we were both sad to see her go. The girls soon developed a routine of talking on Sunday afternoons. Ashlyn's friend called every Sunday and listened to her talk about her week. Before letting her go she would tell Ashlyn what time they could talk the next week, knowing Ashlyn counted on routine. Sometimes they talked for an hour, sometimes they talked for 15 minutes. It's been five years and nothing has changed. Hers is the one call Ashlyn counts on every week. When Ashlyn is upset I can Continue Reading

No matter what

help kids follow their heart

I caved the other day and drove through McDonald's. McKenna had been begging for the new Barbie's now in the Happy Meal and I had no time to stop at home and make an all organic meal that wouldn't sit in our digestive systems for a month. As I pulled up to place our order I almost told the cashier "one girl toy and two boy toys" but then I decided against it. I looked in the rearview mirror and asked my kids if they would rather have a car or a Barbie. I heard one request for a car, barely audible under McKenna's chanting of "Bar-bie, Bar-bie" and then I saw my other son. He was thinking too hard about his options. I knew which one he wanted and I felt awful he had already reached an age Continue Reading

Okay fine I like it

loving the day

Our internet has been down since we got back from vacation and our laptop died last week. One of our cars has been acting up and we left my parents in a puff of smoke on our way to drop it off at the dealership from which it may never return. I'm sitting in the corner of our library on the computer labeled "guest" and every fifteen minutes I have to walk over to the headphoned teenager at the desk and ask if he could extend my computer time for one more session. I've missed writing and my fingers hitting the keyboard and since I'm here without kids I'll add in that I've missed hearing my fingers hit the keyboard. The past week has not been full of my finest moments. There is no laptop Continue Reading

When your family grows

sisters

Half of my Instagram feed is expectant mamas, counting down the days until their families grow. I fell asleep last night remembering my days of sitting with an expanding stomach, listening to Ashlyn tell me about her day. If she mentioned a class, my mind could recall the color of the folder needed, an event at lunch and I knew the time it began and how much extra it cost for juice. Life was calm enough that I could take in every detail and I was young enough that I could remember things. With every rumble of the belly quickly covering my lap, I wondered if I would ever be all of this for her again. Adding to the family would surely take away from her. I imagined my heart Continue Reading