The nurses would always stop and ask if I wanted the volume turned off.
My answer, the same every time.
Laying in my hospital bed, I was lulled to sleep each night by the sound of three beating hearts.
Despite the constant scares of impending delivery, their rhythms gave me hope.
They were very much alive and hanging on.
Just one more month, week, day.
I wished with everything I had that those hearts would never skip a beat.
There was a time when I hated thinking of my weeks in the hospital.
My body had failed and I wasn’t able to give my babies the time they needed to grow.
But now, I remember and wish for every moment back.
The bitterness and resentment I used to feel has been washed over by gratitude and warmth.
I was given 10 weeks of space and time and hope.
My daughter did not live a full week.
But I could tell you the whole life I dreamt for her
between the beats of three tiny hearts.
—————————-
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I'm Jessica, 30-something mom to five, four in my arms and one in my heart.
You never fail to break my heart a teeny tiny bit with your gorgeous words. This post is beautiful. As are you. XO
Galit Breen recently posted..The Red Dress Club- Happy Endings
Twitter: galitbreen
Thank you Galit, sorry about the heart breaking.
What a beautiful and heart wrenching post. Thank you for sharing.
Kristin_OPC recently posted..Post It Note Tuesday PICNIC
Oh sweetie! This post just…wow. Your words and the pictures are so beautiful.
Mandyland recently posted..Putting on my Mommypants
Your writing is beautiful. These words, those thoughts, these pictures are beautiful. I love this.
Kimberly recently posted..His Loving Embrace
Twitter: MamasMonologues
Promise me, that when we finally get together IRL, we are not going to spend as much time crying as we do here
Love what you did here, just love it, your words and talent get me every time!
By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Wordy Wednesday Be Nice
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Sorry about the tears but thank you for always reading Nicole. It helps me tremendously to put these memories into writing and know that you are reading.
I have tears reading this.
Tracie recently posted..The Only Kiss
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Beautifully written. What a tender time to share.
Amy ~ Eat. Live. Laugh. Shop. recently posted..A bloggy celebration
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you are an amazing writer… this post makes my heart ache… it’s a poignant piece… thank you for sharing
Twitter: rustilyn
All the rocking the bump posts that I have read are wonderful, but this is my favourite
Not surprised though, you have such an expressive way of writing that touches my heart.
Stephanie recently posted..My weekend was ALLCAPSAWESOME
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Thank you so much Stephanie, truly honored that this is your favorite!
Beautiful and sad.
Alex@LateEnough recently posted..Ten Things Words With Friends Taught Me
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Awww! I love this post. You are inspiring Jess. You look gorgeous in these photos.
Sarah recently posted..Shoot & Edit Swing-Slide
Twitter: naptimemomtog
Chills again from you Jess. Your daughter is very much loved.
I love the ABC picture on your tummy. So cute.
Jessica recently posted..A Weekend with the Family
Twitter: mytimeasmom
It wouldn’t come off for days, every time there was a new nurse they thought I was sort of strange but it was fun. I can’t even remember what we used, my mom did it, I think it was eyeliner… our only entertainment!
I’d love to be in that moment again, writing the “full of hope and promise” a…b…c
I love the A B C. This post makes me smile, and makes me sad too.
Stephanie @ The Blue Zoo recently posted..Wordless Wednesday I Got To See My Poppie!
Twitter: TheBlueZoo
Such beautiful words and images. I’m glad your memories of that time are not as painful as they once were. I hope your little girl knew how much her arrival was anticipated and all the dreams you had for her. So loved. xo
Catherine W recently posted..Right where I am- somewhere between 2 years- 8 months- 29 days and 2 years- 9 months- 2 days
I hope she knew too. So hard to grasp what they thought/understood when they were so young. I hope that both of our daughters felt the love, especially since they had company inside our stomachs.
As always, your beautiful words just moved me. And those pictures? Moved me to tears. Love this. xo
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – Bubbles
Twitter: MamaWantsThis
As always, beautifully written! It moved me to tears! I do love the ABC photo, it’s so cute!
Barbara recently posted..Mandatory Vacations
Twitter: babspinfrance
Thanks Barbara, that was fun to do but hard to get off. I remember then all kicking like crazy when I was trying to get it off my stomach. Good memories.
you rock the bump for sure! what a gorgeous pregnant woman you were…
and beautiful words…it’s so hard to think our bodies aren’t doing the one thing they were made to do…at first I felt like it was my fault my youngest was born with a heart defect and DS…
Twitter: notaperfectmama
Ashlyn and her love for you and those babies is what stands out to me in all of this. Gorgeous.
Klz recently posted..How to Be Sick Like a Toddler
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Another beautiful post. I also love the ABC shots (and my stomach was as large as yours with only one baby in there.)
Christine @ quasiagitato recently posted..Girl Meets Pet Peeve
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You are beautiful in every way. xo
tracy recently posted..Who is the Customer of this Dance Class
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Beautiful words as always from a beautiful preggo. I love that picture of you and Ashlyn.
Elena recently posted..Want a dog There’s an app for that
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First, it’s been awhile since I’ve been here…I love your new blog look.
Second, what a sweet, heartfelt post. You looked great pregnant with triplets! I had a lot of problems with my first pregnancy and I was constantly being monitored, though not admitted. I always wanted the volume on the monitors…the heartbeat was so soothing.
Kmama recently posted..Little Slugger
I think this is the best post of them all!!!!!!!!!!! thank you so much for sharing these!
Jessica Gardner recently posted..Baby Bump Link UP!
The photo with your oldest and A, B & C on your belly – LOVE.
liz recently posted..Pregnant Belly Pics- BBCD-style
What a beautiful yet heart breaking post. Even in that amount of time, I’m sure your daughter knew how much she was loved.
I love the ABC picture. I wanted to paint my belly when I was pregnant, but never actually did it.
Evonne recently posted..What doesnt kill me
Twitter: _MamaJules_
Beautiful. ((()))
KWombles recently posted..Full Days- Full Moons
So beautiful. The ABC picture breaks my heart. You are amazing.
Lisa recently posted..Shes just like me
Jessica. You are incredible. Again, I’m sorta speechless.
MommaKiss recently posted..Rockin the Bump
Twitter: mommakiss
Awww, thank you!
I got goosebumps reading this, my friends. xo
So amazing, as always.
NotJustAnotherJennifer recently posted..Love Is Patient
Twitter: midwestmomments
Oh Jessica….you know I’m teary. You are so beautiful with your Bump O’ Three babes and then your words…both sad and inspiring at the same time. How do you find the ability to write like that?
So touching.
Sherri recently posted..Sluiter Nation Recruit!
It\’s funny Sherri, sometimes I get these memories in my head and I know I need to write them out. I can\’t really ever talk about them aloud because it is too painful but writing them is so cathartic.
I remember reading someone’s birth story before I had kids. She was dead set on having a medication-free “home birth,” but her blood pressure became dangerous during the last few weeks of pregnancy and she was advised to deliver in a hospital. Throughout her birth story, she complained about being hooked up to those monitors and having to get un-hooked every time she wanted to walk or change positions or go to the bathroom.
Flash forward to me in the hospital, hooked up to those same wires and I have to say – I loved that sound too. It lulled me to sleep for the few hours before my son was born and I will never forget what a beautiful sound it was. I never got sick of it.
What a beautiful post and tribute to your children
New Mom on the Blog recently posted..Every new beginning
What a beautiful post. XOXO
Twitter: suitcasetricks
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
Twitter: katiefhurley
So lovely.
Amy recently posted..the dress
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Ugh. I couldn’t imagine going through that. I remember how reassuring it was hearing Jellybean’s heartbeat each time and how terrifying the NICU was with all the beeping and alarms. ((Hugs))
Twitter: littlebitlife
Brings back so many memories.
Beautiful!
Jayme recently posted..WW- Happy 2nd Birthday!
You gave me chills. I’m so sorry. You’re little girl loves you so much and is watching over all of you.
Kimberly recently posted..Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday
Twitter: momgosomething
So bittersweet and beautiful. Love that you have those wonderful memories of those tiny little heartbeats. Thank you for sharing in something so intimate.
Oh this is heart breaking!! But thank you for sharing this story.
Amanda recently posted..Intern Advice
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So beautiful…the writing and the heartbeats. My favorite sound in the world!
Renee recently posted..For the Death of Summer
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Oh, Jessica, this is so beautiful and sad at the same time. For you birth and death with always be intertwined. The bright light of your children’s lives always casting a shadow, too. Much love to you, always.
Varda (SquashedMom) recently posted..9 Years Ago I was Rockin a BIG Bump
Twitter: SquashedMom
This is unimaginable pain sweetheart. And you most definitely rocked the bump. Your words are so very touching. I hope only the best & your sweet angel is watching over your entire clan.
Alita
alita recently posted..Life is good!!! and yes that deserves 3 exclamation points
Oh, Jessica. This is so sweet. I always felt so bad for hating my bed rest and jut wishing it would be over. I wish I could have had a better attitude about it. Love this.
(The Other) Leigh Ann recently posted..Rock the Bump!
I was miserable too, I cried every night and felt so guilty for leaving my oldest. Weird how looking back it seems like such a small time in our lives, isn’t it?
What a sweet, sweet post. I love the pic w/ A,B, and C on your belly.
Lisa @ Two Bears Farm recently posted..Taubman Art Museum
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I am always so incredibly moved by your writing… by your expression of your experience… your life… your love. My heart aches for your loss. And I send you much, much love
XLMIC recently posted..Nun Noon NUUN!
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Just beautiful again Jessica. Just beautiful.
Penbleth recently posted..Welcome night
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Beautiful!
Tayarra recently posted..Wordful Wednesday – Wyatts 5th bday
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This post is wonderful reminder to slow down and enjoy the quiet moments. Those moments quiet enough to hear heart beats.
so touching – a reminder to enjoy EVERY SECOND. thank you.
cam recently posted..I’m Learning…
I’m so sorry for your loss. I will not even begin to pretend I understand. Thank you for sharing these beautiful pictures with all of us! It tugged so hard on my heart to read the line “But I could tell you the whole life I dreamt for her between the beats of three tiny hearts”. Beautifully written!
Adrienne recently posted..Rehab
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Jessica, your words…beautiful.
I love the A,B,C picture!
Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation recently posted..Rockin’ the Bump
Twitter: mommyneedsvaca
This is beyond beautiful.
Mama Zen recently posted..Assortments
You always know how to make us feel your every emotion. Great post!
You are so tiny.
and your daughter is adorable in the pictures.
So proud!
You’re writing is always beautiful Jessica.
Always thinking of you!
xo
Leighann recently posted..Forgiveness in a Hug
What a blessing that you listened to those heartbeats that whole time. That was a gift.
blueviolet recently posted..My Walls- My Walls!
I’m a nanny who specializes with multiples, and I felt a real connection to your post! this by far is the most beautiful rock the bump post I’ve read. Not only were you beautiful, but your story shares such vulnerability, faith and excitement. I commend you for posting this and sharing your story with others. I am sure you will help others in a similar position. Thank you again for sharing it!!
cori @ cori’s big mouth recently posted..My Sister- The Graduate!
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Thanks so much Cori, what an amazing compliment.
oh and i’m your newest GFC follower!!
cori @ cori’s big mouth recently posted..My Sister- The Graduate!
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The pictures are beautiful. They really show that despite all the sadness that is wrapped up in the triplets delivery there was soooo much love there. And your daughter felt every little bit of it.
that was beautiful…and a little haunting too
Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted..In which Andie is a god
Twitter: allfookeduptoo
Thank you Jessica for sharing what’s in your heart. You remind me constantly how precious each moment is. Thank you.
Sara @ Periwinkle Papillon recently posted..Postcards From My Phone to a REAL Inbox
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You win! You win Shell’s Rockin’ The Baby Bump. Hand down. While, everyone else is complaining about how HUGE we are, you are reminding us of what a tender, special, scary time pregnancy is. Thank you.
I love the A B and C on written on your belly.
Tonya recently posted..GNO
Twitter: letters4lucas
Jessica, I love this…and I love that you have a pic of “A,B,C” too
I was never on bedrest, but had to go twice a week for monitoring and I LOVED listening to those little heartbeats.
This gave me goosebumps and tears. It was so perfect.
Natalie recently posted..The Engagement Story
Thanks, there\’s nothing like hearing more than one heartbeat. Amazing that we had all those little people in there, isn\’t it?
Aren’t hearing those heartbeats one of the best sounds in the world? I think how wonderful it was that for 10 weeks you were able to spend some special quality time with your three babies. What a beautiful memory (and gift)that you’ll have forever.
Beautiful post, Jessica. My favorite is the belly pic of A, B, C. So sweet. Love your words – a mix of vulnerability and sweetness.
So glad you shared.
)
Melanie recently posted..Rockin The Bump!
Twitter: melanieb120
Thank you Melanie, loved having the A, B & C there too although it was a little hard to get off.
Beautiful post. So moving. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us and helping me at least to appreciate all of the moments. Even the hard ones.
Missy | The Literal Mom recently posted..Why Bathroom Doors are Dangerous
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So beautiful but my heart does break for you, for you loss. I do love the shot of you with your daughter and the ABC on your belly. Just lovely.
Elaine recently posted..Short & Sweet both the post and the visit
Twitter: elainea
I loved hearing my baby’s heartbeat constantly. You are such a strong family to have been through that and come out the other side.
Anastasia recently posted..I Tried- I Really Did-PYHO
Twitter: sweetbutterblis
Jessica,
You got me. I’m sitting here crying. You are beautiful, your photos are amazing, you look gorgeous, your daughter is a doll, and your husband, too. You inspire me. I don’t stop over often enough. I’m sorry.
Lovely and wrenching post.
xoxoxo
Erin Margolin recently posted..Monologue in the Airplane Bathroom
Twitter: erinmargolin
Thanks Erin, I was just thinking the same about you as I saw your name on twitter. I don\’t read your writing often enough either but I love it every time I do. We need more time to just sit and read, wonder when that day is coming…
The first two lines got me. Sometimes it seems hard not to feel mind-tied when trying to write about deeply emotional things…what to say, how to say it like you feel…but you have done it beautifully here. Thanks for sharing.
It\’s funny but those first two lines were actually the middle of what I had originally written. They were the important piece and where I needed to start.
So lovely.
I wouldn’t have wanted to volume turned down either.
tulpen recently posted..Frankly My Dear- I Dont Give A Puck
Twitter: tulpenelefanten
I missed this one. It touched me, as do all your words. Love the photos.
Twitter: FarewellStrangr
So touching, especially since your experience was the best I could have hoped for. I got the worst instead, but I still felt warmth reading your words. I would have kept the volume up, too.
Christa the BabbyMama recently posted..Same Old, Same Old
Twitter: mommeetmom
Jessica-
I have been reading your blog for awhile now…I honestly don’t remember how I ended up here but I am glad I did. I love your writing and reading about your family.
I realize this is an older post, but I’m glad I was “directed” here today.
A good friend of mine is in the hospital now, she went into labor with her twins last Tuesday (they were able to stop it) and just passed the 24 week mark on Saturday. Of course we are all praying for a long hospital stay and know you and your readers will add to those prayers….she needs all she can get as you know.
So glad you commented Kristin, if your friend needs any support please have her email me at fourplusanangel@gmail.com. I know what a difficult time it is and what a big milestone that 24 week mark is. She and her babies will be in my thoughts. Thank you for reading!