I am asked often, how I manage to keep my calm each day. (This question may have come up several times since my son developed a new found love for permanent markers.)
I wish I had a short answer for this question, one that does not change the mood in a room or leave eyes searching for tissue.
My answer is this:
I have sat with a daughter with no life left.
I have felt the silence and the emptiness of saying goodbye when she was already gone.
This feeling has left me with a profound gratefulness for the pulse of life.
Marker on the walls, play-doh in the carpet and a two year-old who doesn’t want to sit in a car seat, are not even a blip on my radar screen.
They are reminders of life.
Life is debating over clothes,
confiscating a red pen
and peeling stickers off the window,
as much as it is
the weight of a sleeping toddler on my chest,
the warmth of a head on my shoulder
and a teenager who will still hold my hand.
So the choice to treasure the ups and the downs is an easy one.
The silence of loss makes the noise of life
music to my ears.
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I'm Jessica, 30-something mom to five, four in my arms and one in my heart.
Beautiful, gorgeous, inspiring.
And yes- tissue requiring.
But that’s okay, too.
XO
Galit Breen recently posted..And it All Started at the Elevators
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Oh I reread to see if tissues were required and I thought maybe the end would reduce the need for tissues but maybe not, huh? Thank you for reading, sorry for the tears. xo
Yes, I needed tissue. You put things in perspective so beautifully Jessica. xo
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..I Just Want A Coffee
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I need to create a tissue warning button
.
Perfectly put and so, so true.
Twitter: DHousemommy
Oh my…beautifully said. And what a great reminder when I want to pull my hair out. Thank you for that.
Jaime recently posted..Birthdays
Twitter: jaimesstory
Beautiful!
The good far outweighs the bad. I love that picture
Evonne recently posted..Scrubbing desks
Twitter: _MamaJules_
This is so beautiful, and such a great reminder for all of us to revel in each moment we have with our families. They are truly a gift! Thank you so much for sharing this!
Naomi recently posted..An Evening in the Woods
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Beautiful post…leaves me lost for words.
Mirjam recently posted..Always changing
Such an amazing post! Beautiful!
Barbara recently posted..Pig Pickin’
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Oh my. What a beautiful and heartbreaking reminder that we all need to take the little things for what they are – little.things.
I so admire you, Jessica. So much.
Krista recently posted..The Black Sheep
Twitter: notmommyofyear
Truly appreciate this Krista and am humbled by your words. xo
Beautiful, just beautiful. And so very true. The silence is so literal! I think one of my most vivid memories was the opressing silence in the room when we lost K. Compared to that, the noise is life… Thank you for this post. I needed to read this today.
Thinking of you as October gets closer. (((hug)))
I wish we both did not know such silence. It is so strange but when I think back, I know there was so much noise surrounding us, we were in the NICU, but all I remember is silence. Lots of love, Natasha.
Heartbreaking, lovely, and inspiring. Great way to frame the joyful noise of life…
Cheers.
Vinobaby recently posted..Flippant Foodie Friday: Bombshells and Blueberry Puppy Dogs
Twitter: vinobaby1
Love this! so refreshing and great perspective!!! Thank you
Jessica Gardner recently posted..7 Months – remember this series?
You write SO beautifully. Inspiring, really. Yes–tissues were needed. Thank you for the reminder that even when my three year old is acting like a madman, he is just living. I needed to hear this today. xoxo
Jessica recently posted..Meet My Neighbor Friday: Mamas Monologues
Twitter: spitupchronicle
Such a beautiful perspective… and picture. Thank you for the reminder to appreciate what we’ve got! WITH a smile!
Jamie recently posted..if i could turn back time | a mountain momma
Twitter: chosenchaos
I’ll try to remember this the next time one of my kids tests my patience.
m.
Twitter: Rsimplelives
Oh, my friend. What perspective.
shell recently posted..Things They Can’t Say: My Front Porch Swing
Lovely.
Nika M. recently posted..Late Night Rambling.
This is leaving me with deep mom heart breathes to keep from crying.
JDaniel4′s Mom recently posted..Read.Explore.Learn.- 1,2,3 Count with Me
Oh I am sorry!
Wow. Not only do you make a beautiful point but you state it in such a beautiful way.
Mrs. Jen B recently posted..Red Writing Hood: Heartbreak
so beautiful. truly.
Devan @ Accustomed Chaos recently posted..On “Being Pregnant”
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
Thank you Devan.
Thank you for writing this. I have sat with a son with no life left. And now I am expecting his little brother, and I hope that I will cherish every moment I have with him. I hope that I never forget the lessons I have learned and am able to let the little things go. You make me feel like I can accomplish that.
Lisa recently posted..365-40: healthy!
Oh LIsa I am so glad that you commented. I remember carrying my rainbow baby and wondering how I was going to do it because grief was taking so much of my energy. You won\’t forget the lessons and there will be a million moments when you think of the son that you lost and cherish your new baby that much more. Email me if you ever need me fourplusanangel@gmail.com. Sending lots of hugs and strength.
You are such a beautiful person Jess. I love this and I love you. You make me think and appreciate what I have. Thank you.
Sarah recently posted..Tough Guy With A Side Of Silly
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Awww, thank you so much Sarah. I\’m so glad we have connected, you have been an amazing support to me through the good and bad.
(sob)
Beautiful.
Lady Jennie recently posted..A Mother’s Love
Passing tissue
.
Oh wow. What a beautiful way to look at it. And you’re so right…in the grand scheme of things, those little frustrations and annoyances just really don’t matter.
Courtney @ The Mommy Matters recently posted..Words can Change Everything
Twitter: CourtneyKirklnd
Breathtakingly beautiful. I hope to take this to heart this weekend when my little one starts driving me up the walls. Thank you.
Roxanne recently posted..Sometimes heartbreak isn’t of a romantic nature….
I hope it works and helps you take the chaos in stride.
I so appreciate everything you share here.
And you share it so well.
This is a weird comment after such a deep post but…blogging wise…you are on fire.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Lots of New.
Twitter: csiracusa
Thanks so much Christine, laughing at the comment and telling my husband
.
Your perspective is inspiring, and though tears spring up when I read this, the end makes me smile. And smiling through tears is probably my favorite emotion.
Thank you for this (and how perfect is that photo? McKenna looks like she’s thinking, “Whoa! Fun but wayyyyy too cold!”)
angela recently posted..Fourteen Hours
Twitter: angelaamman
Exactly, the boys were all for the water but she would get close and then change her mind every time.
I think of your story so often. You really do write with intent and with great stakes at hand. I don’t know that I am describing this well, but that’s why story telling moves me so much–fiction, memoir or poetry. It is not easy create emotions in other people, but you do it. so glad I met you here.
wendy recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Living (Room) With Crackers
Twitter: mamaonetothree
Truly appreciate ypur words, thank you Wendy.
Beautiful, Jessica. I will remember this next time I am searching for a moment of silence in the chaos. XO
Runnermom-jen recently posted..My Advice to Mothers…
Oh just tweet me and vent about it
.
Oh Jessica, this is beautiful. And you are right…noise and chaos can be a very good thing. Silence…not so much.
That picture? Is gorgeous.
xoxo
Practical Parenting recently posted..Back to School Stress (Tips for staying calm)
Twitter: katiefhurley
Thank you!
Such simple words creating such emotion. Jessica that is powerful writing, heartfelt, making the rest of us pause and be thankful. Thank you for sharing.
Hugs,
PS The photo is spectacular. I wondered how you had happened to find such a fitting photo, then I read that those are your children, they are beautiful.
Twitter: SLShez
What a wonderful comment, thanks Shari.
Wow – that was such a beautiful post…..I am glad you’re enjoying each and every moment!
Ann recently posted..Smoked Ham and Melon Crostini
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Definitely am, thanks Ann.
SO true! I think I should read this EVERY day, so that the little stuff doesn’t overwhelm the important things!
MsSharealot recently posted..Mommy Guilt – Just Say NO!
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Beautiful. Stopping by from WOE
Debra Elliott recently posted..In The Autumn
Thanks for stopping by Debra.
I have such respect for you, Jessica. You carry yourself with such grace and your words are beautiful.
Lola recently posted..Lola Gets Schooled
What an amazing compliment, thank you Lola.
That was just beautiful Jessica. Absolutely beautiful…
Kate F. recently posted..A Fan Letter to My Children
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Thank you Kate.
I try to think of this when I have a moment of frustration over a mess, and I owe a lot of that perspective to you. It’s a gift – one I’d gladly return if it meant you didn’t have to know this, but a gift nonetheless.
So beautiful Jessica. And that photo is just lovely.
Robin @ Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Genius, Power and Magic: Commitment and a Leap of Faith
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Such an amazing comment Robin, that is all I can hope could come from my writing.
Wow. What a great reminder for us all. Beautiful.
Kristy @PampersandPinot recently posted..Happy Birthday!
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Thanks so much Kristy.
Such a great reminder to choose our battles.
Lindsey recently posted..Thanksgiving Day.
Twitter: dashingly
Thanks Lindsay.
Gorgeous. It reminds me of a family story about my great-grandfather who on his death bed refused any kind of pain medication (not even whiskey and he was a big fan of whiskey). He said, “If I can still feel I know I’m alive. I want to feel everything–even if it’s pain.”
Victoria KP recently posted..Tough Mama
Wow, what an amazing lesson your grandfather left everyone with.
This is beautiful. A great reminder that we choose how we look at the things that could be annoyances. They don’t have to be.
Karen Peterson recently posted..5 Simple Rules for Setting Up Your Single Friends Without Making Enemies
Absolutely true, not annoyances, just little reminders
.
Yes, to all of it. True words for all of us. Thank you for giving us that glimpse, that reminder. Xo
Kir recently posted..A Wedding in Italy: A Kimmy & David Story
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You are very welcome, Kir
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This is so very, very true. This line “So the choice to treasure the ups and the downs is an easy one.” A reminder that we need to cherish the days and forget the stress.
Elena @NaynaDub recently posted..Mommy Knows Best
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Part of that last comment was a case of me typing a comment & trying to say something to the hubby at the same time – meant to say “A reminder that we need to cherish the days and enjoy the chaos.”
Elena @NaynaDub recently posted..Mommy Knows Best
Twitter: NaynaDub
I know embracing the chaos isn’t always easy to do but it definitely makes the days easier.
Wow, Jessica. Just wow.
Melanie recently posted..First Soccer Game on A Warm Afternoon…
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Thanks Melanie.
Beautiful! Just simply breath taking and beautiful! Thank you for helping me embrace the noise of childhood this evening. ~ Wendy
Wendy recently posted..Mom’s Nite Out | November 9, 2011
Twitter: ChoosingLoveAZ
So glad you are enjoying the noise, Wendy.
Thank you Jessica. Thank you.
Sara @ PeriwinklePapi recently posted..A Star Wars 5th Birthday
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You are very welcome
.
Please don’t apologize for this post. Yes, it makes all of us mommies a little weepy. But I am almost certain that if they are anything like me it is because of this:
I have been SO frustrated and overwhelmed by all of the mess and all of the NOISE and all of the laundry and having to haul three kids all over town while they argue in the van over who saw the blue Volkswagen first. These beautiful words that you have written make me stop and realize how sad & different my life would be if I only had two children to frustrate me. And so I will be grateful for the noise and the mess and the laundry and I will award them each a “point” for that blue Volkswagen (although what the “winner” gets, I still don’t know) because I am so very blessed to be able to kiss each one of them goodnight each and every night of their lives.
Thank you for this gift, Jessica. You’ve been such a blessing to me tonight.
buffi recently posted..Never, ever forget
I can’t thank you enough for this comment. This is exactly the perspective that I hope others gain from sharing my experiences through words. Thank you.
The silence makes me not nearly as frustrated or upset with Julia’s cerebral palsy as other mom-bloggers I’ve read are. They are mourning for their living, special needs child. Oh, I’m sad that things will be harder for Julia, and that she’ll most likely physically navigate the world in a different way than the rest of us. And I get that they consider the disabilities a loss. But compare that to holding your dead child in your arms. . .well, it doesn’t actually compare. I’d take all 3 of my girls having CP over that.
Amy recently posted..Things a Husband Should Never Say, #1
Couldn’t agree more Amy. I have heard others compare autism to losing a child and, having experienced both, I can say they don’t remotely compare. I would take five living children over anything else any day.
What a beautiful reminder that even the chaos is just a reminder that we’re still living. Thank you for this. I needed it today.
Kimberly recently posted..Life’s Magic Moments
Twitter: KimberlyAMuro
Gulp! This puts things into perspective so beautifully. Tissues are definitely needed.
Hopes@Staying Afloat! recently posted..Sunday Sweetness ~ One of The Sweetest Sounds
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Thanks for reminding us not to sweat the small stuff. Life is so precious, really what’s a lil marker on the wall, or in my case, spilled coffee all over the couch? You are truly inspiring.
The Anecdotal Baby recently posted..Delivered Dreams
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This is so incredible my friend. Like you. xo
tracy recently posted..I need an extended warranty like I need a hole in my head…
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This is something I am finding the need to print out and tack up on my fridge. After a trying few weeks and many toddler tantrums, sometimes perspective gets lost. You just returned it to me. xoxo
Ashley recently posted..Things They Can’t Say: A Confession
Twitter: PorchSwingMom
So glad this gave you a little perspective Ashley, hope it helps you through your Monday!
This is beautiful, inspiring and so so true. Even on my saddest and most difficult days, I wouldn’t want my life any other way, full of life and laughter and messy, oh so very messy.
Lovely post, Jessica.
Tonya recently posted..Tell Her
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Beautiful post!!!! Love.
Nicole @MTDLBlog recently posted..Growing Up A Little Too Fast
Twitter: MTDLBlog
so grateful for your perspective to bring life into focus for me today. thank you.
Frelle recently posted..A Gift For You
I feel the need to print that out and post it on my fridge to remind me that I am truly blessed to have my children…that all the blue popsicle smears on the wall don’t matter, that the red jello stains in the carpet don’t matter, that the fact that no one pees entirely in the toilet doesn’t matter…
thank you…
stunning post…
Not a Perfect Mom recently posted..If You Love Me You Will Follow
Twitter: notaperfectmama
Thank you so much, truly doesn\’t matter, even the permanent marker on my wood floor. Not exactly easy to smile about it but definitely not a big deal in the scheme of things.
Music to your ears, indeed…
What an incredibly brave and beautiful perspective to share with everyone, Jessica.
Your words are so lovely. And so right.
I can never properly express how sorry I am for your loss; but Hadley’s legacy touches so many. And the love you have for her that you unselfishly share with us…
There is no more generous gift.
julie gardner recently posted..Today call me sunny.
There truly is no better way to say it Julie and nothing more that I could want to come from her memory. Thank you.
This is so hard to comment on, Jessica.
You have experienced so much pain, yet you are so positive and hopeful.
I stumbled this and also pinned it.
liz recently posted..Life with a Food Intolerance
Thanks so much Liz, I appreciate your friendship more than you know.
This was so beautiful and powerfully written. I’m at a loss, I’m sorry.
But this just really resonates with me and gives life deeper meaning doesn’t it?
“The silence of loss makes the noise of life music to my ears.”
Charlotte recently posted..Giveaway: Easy Canvas Prints
Twitter: MyPixieBlog
Definitely gives life a deeper meaning. Makes me feel like Hadley left so much more with me than I could have ever imagined.
Beautiful! I just ran across your site and this one moved me… to tears! You see my son would have been 6 this month, so it’s been a tough one. But every time I look at my 4 and 2 year old I see every reason to enjoy life. Sleepless nights don’t phase me because I remember the sleepless nights I endured after our son passed away… how empty our house felt… etc. You absolutely speak the truth… cherish every moment!
So beautiful and so real. Thank you for sharing and reminding us of so much that is more important than the littlest of things.
Andrea recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Lollipop Shot!
Twitter: goodgirlgonered
This is one of the many things that I thank Hadley for daily, the perspective to shrug off the little things because that is truly what they are.
xo.
Thank you for the reminder.
Twitter: marta28