Long limbs stretch the length of my lap, auburn curls linger at my cheek. The melody of our rock lulls her sleep and I inhale her weight, her warmth.
Melting to her, our lines begin to blur. I soak in the life I have missed and vow to never leave this space.
As we sway, a pinch of consciousness tells me I cannot continue.
Fighting the urge to drown in our rhythm, I press my back to the worn rocker and lift us.
I settle her into a space that has always been and lay my palm at her back. Memorizing the rise and the fall and the peace, I move away.
˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜
The clock is as I remember, the wall is not. A mocking beep swirls, voices echo, my chest burns.
I cannot swallow. Frozen, I cry with no sound.
Hot tears of recognition flow as I piece together where I have been and where I am now.
My eyes reluctantly focus. Tubes protest my head’s attempt to turn.
I see him again, for the first time. Hospital tape suspends his picture to my bed rail. How many hours has he lived without me?
Expectant faces watch a monitor for signs that I can sustain myself.
I can.
New life is waiting.
The picture taped to my bed, in Intensive Care.
I was never ready to share this until now, when I read this prompt, and knew I could do it:
Write about a season of change for your character or you. It can be literal or metaphorical.
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I'm Jessica, 30-something mom to five, four in my arms and one in my heart.
Wow that gave me chills. Don’t even know what to say. Thank you for sharing
Emmy recently posted..Proud Mommy Moments: The Home Teacher
Twitter: Emmymom2
Thanks so much for reading Emmy. Tough post to share but an experience I have always wanted to write about.
I’m glad I have Kleenex with me because you near made me bawl again Jessica.
The pace here was just right. Your words, each and everyone struck a chord. Loved it.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Foodie Friday: Honey Cake
Twitter: MamaWantsThis
Thank you Alison, I am so glad you always comment soon after I post because this post was hard to share and seeing your response was a huge sigh of relief. (Sorry for the tears)
Your talent knows no bounds, Jessica.
You pulled me in…made me feel what it means to be you…for just a moment.
Much love to you…so much love.
Nichole recently posted..We All Have Our Line: The Snotsucker Is Beyond Mine
Twitter: NicholeBeaudry
Thank you so much Nichole, this was a tough one for me but something I needed to write about and I truly appreciate your prompts and what they are able to help me put into words.
I knew you could do it too, knowing even so little about you. it’s beautiful and I am crying. The writing is wonderful and full of thought. I’m so honored and happy you shared this. Writing truly does help us sort out the inexplicable. I think. I hope. I hope you are finding that.
wendy recently posted..40 Is the New Breakdown
Twitter: mamaonetothree
Yes, writing.
Writing as healing.
xo
Love you, woman.
Alexandra recently posted..We Return To Our Regularly Scheduled Program
Twitter: gdrpempress
Wow. This was beautiful. So very tender and heart breaking. I was right there with you.
Kimberly recently posted..Blogging Friends
Twitter: MamasMonologues
What a vivid memory – You drew me in so deeply I felt as if I was watching from above. Thank you for sharing your joy & your pain. Loved this so much.
Monika recently posted..The Heavy Burden
Twitter: mrobin032009
Oh…..so beautifully written. I wish you peaceful days and soft memories. You are in my heart.
Ann recently posted..Bourbon Chicken….GRILLED
Twitter: AnnHolly
I felt like I was right there in the room with you. Beautiful, beautiful post. And now I need Kleenex…
Courtney @ The Mommy Matters recently posted..I Flunked out of College
Twitter: CourtneyKirklnd
I was in tears. Thank you so much for sharing this. As always, it is a beautiful post!
Barbara recently posted..Frequent Flier
Twitter: babspinfrance
I know this was difficult for you to write, but it is heart-wrenchingly perfect. You did more than write about a memory here; you transported us there, to the quiet comfort of your before and the aching strength you find in the after. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
angela recently posted..Planning for Halloween
Twitter: angelaamman
You write exquisitely. I’m speechless.
Lola recently posted..Out Of Gas…What An Ass!
After.I was awed and amazed by your writing I was transported and I swear I felt every moment with you . Thank you for trusting us enough to share this memory with us, this was so beautiful I am in tears. Love u Jessica!
Kir recently posted..WOE: Kimmy: The Good Girl
Twitter: thekircorner
Thanks so much Kir, fragile memories to share but I am glad that I did.
such a beautiful account. thank you so much for sharing it with such vivid imagery that we, too, could feel what it was to be there.
onceamother recently posted..11th Friday Rainbow Baby Blog Rodeo
Your writing is so amazing. A gift. I love you for this.
tracy recently posted..Maclaren Stroller Winner!!!
Twitter: sellabitmum
This was beautifully written.
I don’t even know what to say and have tears in my eyes right now.
Thanks for sharing..may God give you strength…whenever you need it.
Mirjam recently posted..Little girls
Oh sweet friend. Gorgeous, heart breaking, important. Thank you for writing your heart. It is a lovely place to visit.
Galit Breen recently posted..Changes
Twitter: galitbreen
These memories that you have stored inside, they make up the moments that become you in each and every day. You are a remarkable young woman, and we are truly blessed to have you here sharing those moments that have made you the treasure that you are.
By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Homeschool. Every minute.
Twitter: ByWordsMusings
Thanks so much Nicole, I hesitated sharing this but it was time.
Wow. Chilling Jessica.
I read it twice.
You took me right there with you.
So powerful
Leighannn recently posted..Even Multitasking Mumma’s Need a Break
Like Leighann I read it twice. such an important powerful story and I am so glad you shared it with all of us.
Stephanie recently posted..Do vegetarian entrees need a sidedish?
Twitter: supermomboots
not a single word wasted. you have such a gift. thank you for sharing this slice of your life with us. i know it wasn’t easy.
love & hugs
Twitter: erinmargolin
I have started to write this so many times but it was too hard to \”go there.\” Your compliment means so much.
This is heart wrenching and beautiful at the same time. I’m sure this moment was difficult to share, but I’m glad you did.
Evonne recently posted..School paper solution
Twitter: _MamaJules_
Oh, the pain can be felt. Like an aching.
Kristy @PampersandPinot recently posted..Last Cigarette
Twitter: PampersandPinot
Beautiful. Breathtaking. So precious. So touching. Thank you for sharing. My heart is full after reading.
Andrea recently posted..Writer’s Workshop: What I Remember
Twitter: goodgirlgonered
I hope sharing this and seeing the responses can give you the strength you need.
This was beautiful.
Carrie recently posted..Red Writing Hood: Shift
Beautiful and profound….thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts and your precious photo.
I’m sure it will bring many comfort.
love
Diana x
Diana Doyle recently posted..The Ripple Effect
I can’t explain the feelings your words put into my chest. I read it three times and each time the feeling got more intense. Beautifully written. Beautifully strong.
Tayarra recently posted..He’s gonna be ok – PYHO
Twitter: tsharp12
Wow, thank you so much for such an amazing compliment.
This is just so moving…. I have no words. But know that I think it is incredibly powerful and so very moving. What a unique gift you have. XOOX
Charlotte recently posted..Finding Love: Brandy’s Happily Ever After
Twitter: MyPixieBlog
Thanks so much Charlotte.
I just read it 4 times because it’s so beautiful and I wanted to make sure I took it all in, word for word. Thank you for trusting us and sharing your heart and feelings and these moments with us here. xo
Elaine recently posted..A Reluctant Princess
Twitter: elainea
Oh my. Just Oh. My. What a powerful post. I read it twice and it gave me chills both times.
Krista recently posted..The Honeymoon Story
Twitter: notmommyofyear
Such beautiful writing to describe such a tough memory. Your courage and strength shows through in your words. Thank you for sharing this piece of yourself, as well as your exceptional talent.
Katie recently posted..A Bus to Nowhere
This is so tender and beautiful. You are so wonderful with words, Jessica. Thank you, ever so much for opening your heart this way and sharing this with us.
Tonya recently posted..The Summer That Was
Twitter: letters4lucas
Because I know what each & every word meant, I cannot read it again and I am way beyond kleenex…
I just had to explain to my daughter why I was crying. Thank you so much beautiful Jessica for sharing this moment with us.
So sorry for the tears Elena.
So beautiful and powerful.
It’s always hardest to touch our own deepest hurts. But here is great bravery, too.
Lovely.
CDG recently posted..The Event
Twitter: MoveOverMaryP
Oh Jessica…I’ve said this before, but your writing is so amazingly powerful.
Thank you for sharing this, I know you said it was hard for you. I’m just in awe!
Hopes@Staying Afloat! recently posted..Throat Punch Thursday: “Free Stuff” In the Front Yard People
Twitter: HStayingAfloat
What fragile writing! I felt as if I was holding a piece of exquisite crystal that could shatter at any moment. Beautiful.
And I hated those damned tubes and wires and alarms, too.
Tina recently posted..Red Writing Hood: The Ritual of Changing
Twitter: fercryinoutloud
Thank you so much. Those tubes are awful aren\’t they?
i find sharing my pain healing. I pray this was healing for you. It is so honest and beautiful. Thank you for being courageous.
Absolutely, something I have been holding onto for years. Thank you for reading.
Beautiful post. I felt like I was right there with you!
RJ recently posted..Shattered
Twitter: VirtuousGirlhd
Wow…just wow. Your writing knocks me off of my feet every time I read it.
Truly amazing…
Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation recently posted..Dannon Oikos Greek Yogurt: The New Black
Twitter: mommyneedsvaca
Oh Jessica….this was so powerful and emotional, I had to read it twice. More slowly the second time, really taking in your descriptions and feelings. So hard for you to share, I am sure.
But what a journey you’ve been on. And thank you for trusting us all to share your words with.
Much love to you…
Sherri recently posted..Mourning Lessons
Thank you Sherri, honestly I was afraid to share the fact that I had been through even more drama that I had never blogged about. I appreciate what I have learned from the journey but am hoping the years to come are much less eventful.
Jess, this was beautiful. Your strength astounds me.
NotJustAnotherJennifer recently posted..Guest Post: Divorce
Twitter: midwestmomments
I have read this 5 or 6 times now because I can’t stop myself from wanting to feel it with you again. The sadness, fatigue, hope, emotion. Life. Thank you for sharing.
Missy | The Literal Mom recently posted..Do You Lie to Your Spouse? Here’s Why It’s OK – Sometimes
Twitter: literalmom
Your writing is incredible. This post is heartbreaking and beautifully written. I felt like I could almost reach out and hug you. I wish I could.
xoxo
Practical Parenting recently posted..Modern Dolls
Twitter: katiefhurley
Absolutely powerful & beautifully written. I had chills reading this and tears streaming down my cheek. So glad I came across this post. xo
Jennifer B recently posted..Vacation
Twitter: jenlove25
Beautifully written and shared. Bless you and yours as you travel and grow.
Melanie @ M&M recently posted..Feel Good Friday — Car Lust
Wow, this is powerful. It brings back such an image of the days I spent in the PICU with my daughter when she was on a ventilator as a baby.
Twitter: kathleenmbasi
Oh the PICU, such an awful place to have to be as a parent. I am sorry that you have been there.
There really are no words for this…so I’m sending you GIANT HUGS XO
Runnermom-jen recently posted..Locked Out
Thank you so much Jen, after writing this one I need one. xo
I am so very, very proud of you for sharing this, Jessica. It was beautifully written, but what was most striking was how vulnerable you allowed yourself to be by writing this.
Much love to you.. xo
Cheryl @ Mommypants recently posted..Goosebumps
Thank you Cheryl. I have started to write this piece many times but could never \”go there.\” As soon as I read your prompt for Friday I knew that I needed to do it. It was hard to go through the motions of it all again but something I needed to do. I can\’t thank you enough for the community you have built at WoE.
There are just no words to express the gift you are to us. How you make us appreciate life more. How you help us honor those spirits in our lives. And how your words help us, however briefly, the feel another person’s soul.
You humble me.
Nancy C recently posted..Red Writing Hood: Returning the Favor
Twitter: awaywegonancy
I could not ask for a better compliment Nancy. Writing is healing for me and to think that it helps others in anyway is more than I could ask for.
This is stunningly beautiful and so poignant.
Thank you so much for having the bravery to share.
I can’t begin to imagine…
Thank you so much, it was difficult to revisit and write but I\’m glad that I finally put it into words.
WOW Jess. You had me on the edge of the couch. Beautifully written. I love reading your post. You are so beautiful. Thanks for sharing yourself with us.
Sarah recently posted..Scavenger Hunt Sunday {09.04.11}
Twitter: naptimemomtog
I read it twice too. Wow.
This is so poetic, but I wish I understood it better. I don’t know the story behind it. (Of course graphic descriptions would make it less poetic).
Lady Jennie recently posted..Supermarket CD Giveaway
My delivery with my youngest was life threatening and during the time I was unconscious I had a very vivid dream/experience of holding my daughter who passed away.
Tears. I have tears. Beautiful, beautiful story…
amber recently posted..My Life: As Told By My Closet.
WOW. Girl, you are AMAZING. This made me cry. I am so happy you found the strength to share this, such a brave move.
Love & light to you!
xo.
Tahnie recently posted..the good stuff sunday
Thank you so much Tahnie, this was hard to write but something I needed to put into words.