I never talk about this.
I let people wonder.
I let them look at me and look at her, then look again when she calls me “Mom.”
I have heard it all.
Are you the mother?
You must be sisters.
And my favorite? You don’t look old enough to be her mother.
I should be flattered but I’m not. The truth is I am not old enough to be her mother and that fact has left me with a pang of self-consciousness over my mothering abilities I have never been able to shake.
I found out I was pregnant for the first time when I was young, young enough to be on a less trashy, less putting-my-baby-in-too-hot-of-a-bathtub version of “16 and Pregnant.”
I was scared out of my mind, devastated by the disappointment I saw in the faces of my parents, with whom I had just been begging days before to let me go away to college. My teenage life was now completely off-balance, uprooted from the carefree teenager I had been moments before I saw those two pink lines.
Now that I am in my thirties and light years away from that teenage brain, I look back and wonder how in the world I thought I could raise a baby at 17. I have come to the conclusion the only reason I thought I could do it was because I had no idea what “it” was and also happened to be young enough to still believe I was invincible. And stubborn enough to not listen to anyone who told me otherwise.
I remember the moment they placed my beautiful first born in my arms… a baby girl at 11:20, the words of my physician christening my entry into motherhood.
Of course I remember her birth and the uncontrollable tears of joy running down my cheeks and those beautiful moments after, seeing myself and her future and our life together unfolding in her deep blue eyes. But there is another moment etched in my mind as well, the moment we were free to go home. I remember the panic rising up in my chest when the nurse told me our discharge papers were ready.
Me? I am actually going home with a baby?
Didn’t I need a class or a certificate or some sort of degree for this?
Could I talk to my mom first?
Who said I could do this? Were these people really going to let me leave here with a child?
No one came running in to reclaim our discharge papers so I decided I must be ready. I had made up my mind long before that I would be keeping my child and loved her with an intensity I had never before experienced, so I had no choice but to claim my future right that moment and walk the walk.
I slowly swung my legs over the side of my hospital bed, clutching for the “mommy pants” I was about to put on. I clung to their unfamiliar waistband as I was wheeled out of the hospital that day. I gripped them while my baby girl was gently placed in her second-hand carseat and I held them up during the sleepless nights and the homework and the juggling of being a mother while still being mothered, and I kept holding them up until I grew the hips I needed to keep my “mommy pants” on. And until they felt comfortable and familiar and the perfect size.
By the grace of my parents, I went to college and we moved out on our own and I grew up as she grew up and got very comfortable in my “mommy pants”, as long as we were at home. Wearing them in public was a whole different story. I always felt inadequate, felt my age somehow translated to the mothering skills others thought I was capable of, and I could not wait for the day I looked as good in my role as I felt.
The funny thing is, I thought the second time around, things would be different.
In a million ways they were. I was married, my husband and I wanted to have a baby (or three), no one stormed out of the house in tears when I told them I was pregnant, I was not embarrassed by my cute little baby bump and I certainly was not squeezing my belly into a desk in 1st hour English. The list of differences goes on and on, but there was one thing that was unexpectedly the same.
The tears streamed down my face the moment we placed our new babies in their carseats for the first time but, just like the last time, I was still swallowing down fear.
I could not wait to be their mother and do things the “right” way this time, catch approving glances rather than questioning stares. But I found myself looking down at those expectant little faces and wondering, once again, what on earth I was supposed to do with them once we got home.
I have learned through trial and error and self-doubt and self-confidence that “mommy pants” don’t just come made to fit: you either have to suck it in and squeeze them on or hold them up until you find the perfect belt. And sooner or later you will be strutting your stuff, forgetting there was ever a day when they weren’t hugging your legs and squeezing your behind every time you looked in the mirror.
I originally wrote this piece last year as a guest post for Cheryl of Mommypants. I was scared beyond belief to share my story of teen parenting, but today, on my 16th Mother’s Day, I am proud. Proud beyond belief to be her mother, to be a mother to all five of my children. I could have never imagined this gift that is motherhood.
Happy Mother’s Day to every mother reading, whether your children are here or in your heart… wishing you a beautiful day.
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I'm Jessica, 30-something mom to five, four in my arms and one in my heart.
Beautiful post from a beautiful momma ♥
Twitter: Crystal_theresa
Thank you Crystal and Happy Mother’s Day to you.
Your children are blessed to have such a loving mother.
Happy Mothers Day Jessica.
Jen recently posted..do you grocery shop with your eyes open?
Cheers to pulling up your big girl / mommy pants and doing what no one thought you could!
Happy Mother’s Day, my friend!
Life As Wife recently posted..Family Summer of Fun
Twitter: Samkanatzar
Its scary how we are conditions to do things at certain ages and in certain settings, I am glad no one stormed out of the house the second time.
Happy mothers day!
Rene recently posted..buzzing sound in the ears
I often look back at the younger version of me and wonder what in the hell was I thinking. What gave me the audacity to believe I could actually be a mother to another human being when I was barely more than a child myself.
I’m sure it’s because I was still young enough and stubborn enough to not give a damn what other people told me.
And I am so glad I did because that boy is one of the highlights of my life.
Twitter: mycrazybusylife
Loved this. You’re amazing and inspirational. Happy Mother’s Day.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..The Race
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
You were meant to be a mom. It doesn’t matter how young or old…if you gave that babe unconditional love, then you did the right thing.
Don’t ver be ashamed of the past. You are a wonderful mom.
Kimberly recently posted..Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday – For The Moms
Twitter: momgosomething
Thank you so much Kim, it’s always been a sensitive subject for me but it’s nice to be able to write about it and get so much support. Hope you had a great Mother’s Day.
Jessica,
You are a wonderful mother and an amazing woman. And as a writer… You’re inspiring.
Maija @ Maija’s Mommy Moments recently posted..How I Know I’m Pro Same Sex Marriage
Twitter: MommyMoments
Thank you so much Maija, I hope you had a great Mother’s Day.
You are amazing Jessica. I can’t even imagine how difficult being a teen mom must have been– very happy you are all on the other side and can share your reflections with such honesty and grace.
Wendy @ mama one to three recently posted..One Year
Twitter: mamaonetothree
I’m glad we are on the other side too and it is nice to share and find so much acceptance and support.
What a beautiful post. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to be such a young mom. And you are right, it takes time to fit into your mommy pants no matter what the circumstances are.
Stacey recently posted..Mother’s Day
I think many of us wonder… would it have been different to be a mom if I was… older and more experienced? …younger and more energetic? Wiser, or dumber? Further into my career or before I really got started? You’ve done it both ways and have thrived. Thank you for sharing and teaching.
Twitter: AskDocG
loved every word of this. so beautiful. yes. sometimes they don’t fit right, but they are ours to wear. and may i say, you look fantastic in those pants.
tara pohlkotte recently posted..Birthing Warrioress
Twitter: tarapohlkotte
This is so beautiful. I really can’t imagine how difficult it would be to be a mom at that age but you have come out just fine and you are an amazing mom. Happy Mother’s Day to you!
Jayme recently posted..Flab to Fab – Deanna’s Story
I’m so glad you shared this story. It’s beautiful, and it’s part of who you are – and part of who she is. And would you change that? No way.
Happy Mother’s Day.
Robin @ Farewell, Stranger recently posted..On Mother’s Day
Twitter: FarewellStrangr
Love your view of mommy pants not as baggy and comfortable, but form fitting as you grow into motherhood. They look good on you!
Megan recently posted..I am mom enough, Time.
Oh that was so beautiful and honest. Are we ever really ready for motherhood? I wonder because even after infertility and wanting so much to be a mom somedays I look around me and say “was I/ am I ready? ” even now.
Sharing this with us was a gorgeous thing to do on Mother’s Day and you and your first daughter are sooooo luc,ky to have each other. You were ready, even in those moments you felt like you might not be. Xoxo
Kir recently posted..Just Be Enough: Talking to Myself
Twitter: thekircorner
Thanks for sharing your story. I think no matter what age you become a Mom that the mommy pants don’t always fit right. I remember that same feeling of fear when I was discharged from the hospital.
Julia recently posted..Somewhere Only We Will Know
Such a beautiful post!
Shell recently posted..Things They Can’t Say: Confessions of a Semi-Domesticated Mama
Big hugs xoxoxo thanks for sharing honey
Nan recently posted..Tuesday Link-Up & Random Ramblings
I had my first baby at 16 and I remember when it finally hit me that I was going to be a mom, that was going to be incharge of someone elses life for the rest of mine, I realized that about 2 days before I delivered. lol, I can’t believe that I thought it was going to be easy. But I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything
Happy Mothers Day (a day late)
I hope you had a very happy Mother’s Day too. It can be an extra bittersweet day sometimes. Beautiful post! Thank you for sharing your very brave& inspirational story. Take care. xo
Lanie recently posted..Purple & Sparkly
I hope your day went okay as well. It’s always so tough for me. I try to celebrate the day but it just doesn’t work.
I love your words and your perspective. Your children, all of them, are so lucky to have you – even with the self doubt we have sometiems, we love our kids with our whole hearts and that’s all that matters. The rest is just noise.
Krista recently posted..Tonight
Twitter: notmommyofyear
This was beautiful! Simply beautiful.
You’re a wonderful mother and have done a great job with your children!
Jackie recently posted..Nature’s Hand Granola Review & Giveaway!
Is this a picture of you with your eldest daughter? It looks like her. This post touches me immensely, mostly because I’ve never met anyone that had a baby while still a teenager (that I can think of), although my parents were just under 20. You have no idea how much respect I have for you, for the way you raised her and yourself at the same time. A big dose of respect for your parents too.
Lady Jennie recently posted..Traipsing Through Provence
That’s actually me with my youngest but one of the best pictures I have of me with any of my kids after they were born. Thank you so much for your kind words Jennie, this was a tough post to write and a tough one to publish, your support and respect mean so much.
What a beautiful expression of mother’s love. Never would I have judged you for an early pregnancy though. It matters not when or how they come to us, but what we do with the gift of their arrival.
Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell recently posted..Children Are Little Miracles, So That Makes Us #MiracleMoms
I love that you shared this story. It’s part of who you are and it’s shaped you into the wonderful woman and mother you are today.
Even years later I am still amazed at how the judgements and glances effect me. I often wonder, and always hope, that one day that will be past us for good. (Also? We must have been in each other’s heads over the weekend to post this. Mother’s Day always brings these thoughts to the surface for me too.)
Kimberly recently posted..I Can See It
Twitter: KimberlyAMuro
I thought of you when I posted this. Maybe when we are 80 and our kids are already in their 60′s we will be over it? How about if I keep reminding you that our age doesn’t matter and you keep reminding me and maybe we will both believe it long before we are senior citizens?
Ohmyheart Jess, your story is woven so very beautifully.
When I think of mothering and loving strong and fierce, I think of you.
Your mommy pants look perfect on you.
xo
Galit Breen recently posted..Memories Captured May Linky!
Twitter: galitbreen
Completely choked up by this comment. “Fierce” I like that
.
The gift and safety of the distance of time.
I can’t imagine.
I hope that everyone reading here today doesn’t just read “pregnant and 16″ but thinks about what you felt, the dizzying feeling of seeing the positive pregnancy test, at 16.
Bless your parents for jumping into the new game with you, and helping you finish college.
Bless them.
And, when you look back, can you even believe you did that, J? You went through college with A BABY.
We all need to examine those words, and what they mean.
Tremendous, tremendous, tremendous.
Alexandra recently posted..My feelings about SOPA
I really do look back, especially now with a 16 year old and wonder how in the world I did it and what made me think I could. I think it is just like anything else, we do what we do when we have to. One foot in front of the other. Thank you for such kind words as always.
This made my heart ache in a very good way.
Your story is inspirational and beautiful. Nothing to be ashamed of.
Congratulations on 16 years in motherhood. And Happy Mother’s Day to you!
Jessica recently posted..30 Reflections in 30 Years of Mothering
Really beautiful. Your honesty is moving!
Jenn recently posted..Around Here
Twitter: librajenn
Yes motherhood is just a journey we try and figure our way into and have to grow into no matter what age or circumstances. Until just recently I would get those looks and questions as though I was 23 when my first was born, I still now almost ten years later look like I am in my early 20′s so people wonder how I can possible have an almost 8 year old. Beautiful beautiful post. Thank you for your honesty in sharing it.
Emmy recently posted..2-Year-old Farm Birthday Cake
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I remember reading this at Cheryl’s place.
I barely knew you then, but I was stunned by your strength and maturity.
Now? I feel like I *know* you.
And each week, your words speak to me, move me, make me smile, think, cry.
You make me look at the core of motherhood.
And for that I am so very grateful.
You are an amazing mother. And friend.
A role model.
16 years later. Still.
How lovely is that?
julie gardner recently posted..Then and Now
Julie you are just the best, your comments always make me feel better about myself. Love you for that. xo
It’s absolutely terrifying, isn’t it? I can’t imagine doing it at 17. I just can’t. I struggled at 32.
Such a lovely post. I’m glad you shared it here.
Natalie @MamaTrack recently posted..Sensations of Motherhood
I can’t believe you ever questioned your mothering abilities — even at 17. You are superwoman in my eyes! Love hearing all of your stories. Thanks for being brave and telling them
Mrs. Weber recently posted..A Mother’s Day Tea Party
Twitter: laurenweber84
Aww, thank you so much Lauren.
Wow, thank you for sharing this. amazing story and it really made me deeply admire you and all you’ve grown through. happy mothers day to one brave and fantastic mom.
Interestingly, i had my first baby girl at 11:20 as well. she was an unexpected “surprise pregnancy” to an unwed mother (though i was in my early 20s) so while i was not as young as you and eventually married her dad (then divorced 5 years later) i can relate to SOME of your experience
Alicia D recently posted..Weekend Wrap Up: Mother’s Day
How funny that both of our girls came at the same time. I will always remember the doctor saying that phrase.
So very happy to have caught this incredibly special post of yours. You are always in my heart. It never crossed my mom that you were a teen mom though I know you are obviously extraordinarily beautiful/youthful. Honesty it’s just not something that would phase me because I have known many young parents and many who have decided to birth later on in life; it’s a woman’s decision to make. But I’m sorry you were the recipient of disapproving glances. All I can say is that I’m glad you wear your mommy pants very well, after years of trial and error, just as (I assume) every mother before and after you. You are an inspiration to so many and I hope you know just how incredibly special you are. XOXO and a very happy and belated Mother’s Day.
XOXO
Charlotte recently posted..About a dress
Twitter: MyPixieBlog
Thank you so much for your incredible words. I always love when you visit. xo
Thank you for sharing your story and being so brave to do so. Especially in these days where 16 & Pregnant {even if it is my guilty pleasure, along with Teen Mom} I just don’t think the show or anyone can describe what it must have been like for a teenage mom and with the recent TV coverage it almost makes it look glamorous and filled with cute babies.
You are an amazing mom to all of your kiddos, it makes me just tired thinking about it and I only have one! Ha!
MommaBird recently posted..Wordless Wednesday : Eyes
Such a beautiful story. We all wear our mommy pants differently and no matter how ridiculous or scary they may feel, they are the perfect size for us!
Tonya recently posted..We Are Enemies
Twitter: letters4lucas
This post is beautiful. I’m so glad you were brave enough to share your story of young motherhood.
Thank you so much for reading, I’m glad I shared, the support has been amazing.
The more I read, the more I am convinced that you and I have a great deal in common and could probably waste away hours tucked in the corner of a coffee shop somewhere. I am so appreciative when I come across “happy ending” teen parenting stories, this one included.
PS. My best comeback for the “you don’t look old enough to be her mother” line? I’m not.
Twitter: medarcie
And with that last line, I think we were meant to find each other because that is how I answer every. single. time. I love saying “I’m not.” A day in a coffee shop would be perfect.
It is really overwhelming when you are already a mother. Seeing your first baby makes you feel mix emotions. I am happy for you to have a new angel.
Hazel Willson recently posted..Caralluma Actives Weight Loss
It is so touching to become a mother. Seeing your baby everyday makes your every single day happy. In fact, that what I feel with my little angel as well.
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