In the early months after we lost Hadley, during those foggy seconds of awakening, I would realize my life all over again. The air in the room would be sucked away and my feet would feel too heavy to lift out of bed.
Each and every morning at 6 a.m.
I would then go through my day in a haze of grief and wonder how the rest of the world was spinning…
how other people were chatting and shopping and remembering to do things like eat dinner and put gas in the car.
I wondered if my feet would ever feel lighter, if my vision would ever stop glazing over.
Four and a half years later, I am strong enough to walk without a thought.
My view is as present as it can be with a piece of my heart gone.
We walked for the March of Dimes this past weekend and I was there.
I soaked up my kids and the confidence and inches they have grown.
I hugged our friends and family and wished I had written them each a personal thank you for coming… my feelings come out much better on paper.
I marveled at our luck with the weather and wanted my husband closer every time we drifted apart.
I was there, for every moment.
As we reached The Memory Garden, I saw my daughter’s name, planted among flowers and messages that had already begun collecting there. I thanked God that big sunglasses partially block the Ugly Cry and waited for my husband and kids to come close so we could craft messages of our own.
While I attempted to refrain from heaving sobs over my daughter’s name, life went on. Runners pushed past, strollers bumped through, someone interrupted my space to ask for a water bottle for her dog and those early feelings rushed back.
I am alone. My daughter has died. The rest of the world is still turning and I am standing still.
But then I looked up and all I could see was our team, a sea of family and friends waiting for us. They all stood back, giving our little family space, but they were there. Stopping the world with us. To remember.
When I was ready to walk again, my husband took my hand and we continued on, one step at a time, each easier than the next, surrounded by our team. A team whose reach is far greater than just one day or one moment and who would do anything to help our family reach the finish line.
———————
I will never be able to put into words how grateful I am to all of you.
Those who donated or walked or sent words of encouragement or took two seconds to think of us on Sunday. We walked with the strength of all of you whether you were there or not.
You have made this path so much easier to travel.
Linking up with Shell and PYHO
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I'm Jessica, 30-something mom to five, four in my arms and one in my heart.
So proud of you and your family, Jessica. So glad to have been able to help in my own small way. If I was any closer, I’d been there walking right with you.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..A Gift and 39 Weeks
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
I know you would Alison and I can’t thank you enough for your donation and all of your support.
Oh girl. I am so proud, so humbled, and so teary right now. So much love to you girl So, so much.
Ashley {at} My Front Porch Swing recently posted..Moving forward
Twitter: PorchSwingMom
Thanks Ash, It’s such an amazing day and hard to put all the feelings into words. Thank you so much for your support.
Walking in Hadley’s name is an honor. She is always remembered and in our hearts <3
As I said in this post, I will never be able to thank you enough Sue. xo
You should be smiling big! This is what love is…true love! Beautiful, Jess! xo
Kristen recently posted..To Live My Life As It’s Meant To Be…
Twitter: KristenPGIP
Thank you so much Kristen, for everything.
So teary.
I said it before, but I’ll say it again. You. Are. Amazing.
christine recently posted..A Little Thanks
Twitter: anditislove
Aww, thank you Christine. Truly appreciate it.
And cue the ugly cry….We always walk too and it is so uplifting. We have 3 who were born early and while they are physically healthy now I remember all too well the fear when I went into labor early. Your family is beautiful.
Delilah recently posted..So What?
Twitter: iamnotthemaid
Thanks so much Delilah. It’s amazing isn’t it? How far our preemies have come. I still can’t believe that my survivors were those teeny babies in incubators four years ago. Hope you had a great walk.
So proud of you for all that you have done. My heart is with you.
Kimberly recently posted..It’s Not Always Puppies And Rainbows
Twitter: KimberlyAMuro
Thank you Kim.
Walk on missy, walk on!!!
Life As Wife recently posted..Great Expectations
Twitter: Samkanatzar
Tears….this is a beautifully heartbreaking post, your pics have me choked up!!!. Im so proud of you for doing this each year and hope someday I can use some of your strength and experiences to do this myself as well. Love to you xoxo xo
Nan recently posted..Tuesday Link-Up With Tesha
Beautiful, beautiful tribute.
ML@My 3 Little Birds recently posted..The Mixed Messages of Culture and Motherhood
beautifully encouraging and inspirational.
Cindy Bryl recently posted..Why Tri?
Oh this is so very stunning, *you* are so very stunning.
(Always thinking of you.)
Galit Breen recently posted..Bringing Home A Third Baby
Twitter: galitbreen
Looks like a great day!
And you can be so proud of your little Walkers.
m.
Mark recently posted..Closure
Twitter: Rsimplelives
You’re doing a great job. Take good care of your team.
wendy recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Stopping at the End the Day
Twitter: mamaonetothree
You are such an inspiration to so many people! I am so proud of you!
Barbara recently posted..Missing
Twitter: babspinfrance
How beautiful. I’m so glad you have such a wonderful support system.
molly recently posted..My Brigham is 2-years-old
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You’re doing good, for a good cause . . . and *hugs*
John recently posted..Where I think about the blogger that I want to be
Twitter: daddyrunsalot
So, so beautiful. The love you have for your family, the strength you show… just beautiful.
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: What Makes a Family Complete?
That damn ugly cry, well, sometimes it’s just needed. Don’t ever stop yourself from those feelings.
I know how much this means to you and love you mucho.
MommaKiss recently posted..my eyes!
Twitter: mommakiss
I am so proud of you and your family. This is an amazing thing that you do each year. This post, like many of your posts do, made me smile through tears of sadness and joy. I know that heaviness too well. Thankfully it does get lighter with each passing day. Sending you gobs of love. xoxo
Tonya recently posted..Looking Back & Forward
Twitter: letters4lucas
This just makes me cry. But there is such a ray of hope seeing those little hands held high.
Lady Jennie recently posted..I’m late, but …
This is so beautiful.
Jen recently posted..That Healthy Orange Glow
Oh good lord… your perspective on the day, the love, the support, the thankfulness that oozes through your words? It all put me on the verge of the ugly cry. The part where you wanted your husband closer each time the distance got uncomfortable… You are a beautiful person. Your writing, your family, your heart… beautiful!
Tayarra recently posted..I love you bigger
Twitter: tsharp12
Life, after loss.
As hard as it is.
Much love to all of you.
xo
Alexandra recently posted..What It Takes To Make A Memory
As a mother, I know how hard it is to lose a child. But losing hope should not be your option. What has happened to you the past few years without your daughter? Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
Helen recently posted..See this web page
That must have been such a great event! You have to be proud of yourself and your family, the movement you’ve started has got a beautiful spirit, it can be seen on your photos. Big up!
Anna recently posted..Let’s talk about cosmetic dentists
Beautiful. I am so glad you were able to have this event of memory, reflection, and celebration.
Julia recently posted..Life Lessons From The Toddler
Twitter: juliahembree
I am a blubbering mess reading this. Thank you for sharing. I’m glad Sunday was so nice for your walk.
Mom On A Line recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: T-Ball
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Beautiful. Your family, your story, and the way you share it are all just beautiful. Hand over the kleenex.
Ashley recently posted..Oh hello, Ryan Gosling!
Twitter: stinkerbabies
Sobbing. You are so brave and strong and inspiring. Sending love and hugs and calling you soon. xoxo
Clomid and Cabernet recently posted..Share Your Story: A Morning Grouch
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Thank you so much Katie, looking forward to talking with you. And I need to come spend 10 hours on your new site.
Beautiful. Truly. It looks like the day was as beautiful as your hearts and spirits as you walked.
Lots of hugs!
Marta recently posted..Call Me Beautiful
Twitter: marta28
beautiful as always…
crying as always…
If I was there I would have walked proudly for you and yours…
and for Hadley Jane
Not a Perfect Mom recently posted..It’s a Mother’s Day Giveaway Hop!
Twitter: notaperfectmama
I’m so proud of you. Your grace is inspiring–truly.
angela recently posted..Small Surpises and Little Kindnesses
You do amazing things in honor of Hadley. So very proud & in awe of you always.
Elena recently posted..Number Thirteen
Twitter: NaynaDub
I wish it all was not so bittersweet. So glad that you were able to be “there” on Sunday. xo
Lanie recently posted..Thank you!
This was an amazing post to read, and brought tears to my eyes. How the world stopped for you, and you looked up at your team, who stopped WITH you to be still in that moment, where it used to be just you who stood still. How breathtaking. *HUG* So glad you share these words here.
Frelle recently posted..The End of A Friendship
I wish that I could say something that would make it better, that would make the pain less, that could tell you how much my heart hurts for your family. I’m so sorry. And so happy that you can now see the wonderful support network there for you.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Natalie @MamaTrack recently posted..A Pink Baby
You being part of my support network is more than I could ever ask for. Thank you for everything.
You and your family are so brave and truly honor your daughter every day.
Thank you so much Tim, hope you are doing well!
This post brought tears to my eyes and made a lump in my throat…
The Mommy Psychologist recently posted..Online Bullying and Teenage Suicide
Sorry for the loss of your daughter. But I’m glad to hear that you and your family accepted it wholeheartedly. You make me proud of you as mom too!
Karyn18 recently posted..Speak up and get the help you need
I could say something that would make it better, that would make the pain less, that could tell you how much my heart hurts for your family. I really was touched and inspired reading it.
Perry recently posted..Best Time To Get Pregnant
Wow, what an incredibly powerful post. As a parent I can’t even begin to imagine your loss and pain. My heart hurts just thinking about it. I wish you and your family so much peace and love.
Corey Feldman recently posted..Egrets first sleepover
Twitter: coreyjf
Thank you so much Corey, it has been a tough road but we have learned to look at life and appreciate it in such a different way.
Wow. I don’t have anything else.
Diane recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: May 2, 2012
I wish for nothing but blessings to your family!
Brandy recently posted..It’s Not Okay
I really admire your strength. I pass along your posts about Hadley to my friend who recently lost her daughter…your words are very comforting yet real.
Tiffany recently posted..The Perfect Mother’s Day (and a giveaway!)
So glad they can help someone else, thanks for sharing Tiffany.
God, this made me cry… i don’t know what to say except that i am moved by this post as a mother. Such a beautiful post.
Alicia D recently posted..tHERsDay
Thanks so much Alicia, sorry for the tears!
Oh, my goodness. I know I’m tired, and probably have PMS, but this brought tears to my eyes. I wish I had known, I would have donated. I wish I was closer, I would have walked!
What a beautiful way with words you have, and what a strong voice you let shine through.
Sharon {Grumpy, Sleepy, and Bashful} recently posted..Making Homemade Laundry Detergent (Follow Up)
Twitter: SharonPfeiffer
Thank you so much Sharon, truly appreciate your kind words, sorry for the tears!
I know that you are sad of what had happen to your angel yet you are facing the world with hopes. I am sad while reading this blog but be strong always and I know you can cope up with it because I feel that you are a fighter.
Ashley Wagner recently posted..vimax patches
It really gives me a good feeling to see people like them who are willing to go out of their way to show that they care.
Adrian recently posted..what are best las vegas travel deals
I admire your courage and strength. Life after a loss, you are so brave. The post is to touching it actually made me wanna cry.
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You are beautiful. Your family is beautiful. Your journey is inspirational.
So much love to you and your family.
Jenni Chiu recently posted..Motherhood vs. Feminism – The New York Times forgot to ask me.
Twitter: MommyNaniBooboo
Your post was easy to understand and feel.. I sat here in tears and wished I could give you a hug. The loss of a child is something that grasps your soul some days and you wonder how you can keep putting one foot in front of the other somedays. But then there are all these other wonderful people who put us back together , brush us off and help us back up. Thanks God for all those wonderful people who make us realize, there will be days like that, but eventuallly, you know you will be ok, and that God has given allot of other very good reasons to keep going. God bless you Jessica. You and your family are just the best. Hugs to all of you!
Thank you for continuing to share your family’s story. And allowing us, your readers, to be a part of the journey. Hugs and blessings to you, Jessica!
Elizabeth recently posted..Frugal Fashionista Friday: May Edition
Twitter: mommonsenseblog
Thanks God for all those wonderful people who make us realize, there will be days like that, but eventuallly, you know you will be ok, and that God has given allot of other very good reasons to keep going.
Ella recently posted..Low Carb Diets That Work
Aww……Hadley Jane is smiling down at you. I was born at 36 weeks….
Azra recently posted..Back again!
Oh the tears. <3 So proud of your whole family!
Jenn recently posted..Evelyn
Twitter: librajenn
Did you reach your goal? I really hope so!!
Beautiful, heart-wrenching post.
xo
Runnermom-jen recently posted..Scavenger Hunt Sunday
I surpassed it, and we beat our team goal as well
. Thank you for all of your support Jen.
I find it easier to write out my emotions then to say them too!
Your words are beautiful here and so so captivating. I have felt this way when grief has hit me as well… how is the world still spinning?
You are an inspiration to every parent, and person who is struggling.
Leighann recently posted..Say Yes to Meeting A Celeb!
I really admire how you’ve taken your grief and turned it into something that helps others and yet carries on Hadley’s legacy. Thank you for speaking up for all babies.
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