Summer memories that don’t stink, thank goodness

June 11, 2012 By

As summer begins, I realize I’m not doing the greatest job of lightening things up around here lately so I’ve asked a few of the funniest, make-me-laugh-until-I-spit-out-my-coffee, bloggers to stop by and share their favorite summer memories with you. I’m beyond excited today to have Leslie, better known as The Bearded Iris sharing a hilarious memory that will make you glad she is not your child (and I mean that in the nicest way, Leslie).

bearded iris

So swallow your coffee and read on…

Hot Turd Time Machine

As a mother of three, it was clear very early on what each of my children’s unique interests and personalities would shape up to be. In a word, I’ve got one who’s a thinker, one who’s a stinker, and one who’s got all the warning signs of becoming a drinker.

I know, I know, we’re not supposed to “label” our kids, or use Tabasco as a “teaching tool,” or let our kids “play” with lighter fluid, but this isn’t about me as a parent. This is about me as a kid…a very mischievous kid. And let’s face it, a lima bean seed doesn’t grow into a maple tree. I think it’s safe to say that you can fairly accurately predict someone’s personality as an adult by the kind of trouble they get into as a child.

Looking back through that lens on my own childhood, it is no surprise to me that I have always had a penchant for poop.

Yes, poop.

No, no. I’m not one of those sickos who does creepy things with their feces like paint murals or craft figurines with googly eyes and little hats. I just think poop is funny, and I always have.

In fact one of my best summertime childhood memories involves poop. Not my own poop, mind you, but someone else’s. Wait, it’s not as gross as it sounds. Well, maybe it is.

Stay with me.

You see, one time when I was about six-years-old and my brother Ted was four, our family rented a beach house several blocks away from the shore in Delaware for a week with another family who also had two kids, Patrick and Chris.

One day, while the two families were schlepping all the towels, chairs, sand toys, and coolers to the beach, Patrick and I ran ahead and discovered something interesting on the sidewalk. It was a brown cylindrical object…roughly the size, shape, and color of either a potentially delicious candy bar or the excrement of a really big dog.

Being kids with no understanding of a potentially pathogenic situation, we decided to investigate further.

Our parents were probably about a block behind us (carrying all that stuff) and we were free to explore the mysterious brown cylinder without interference.

It was Patrick’s idea to touch it.

Oh fine, it was probably my idea.

But at least I was smart enough to pick up a twig and use that to touch the mystery object.

We had to know. Was it a candy bar or was it poop?

Not that we would have eaten it if it were a Baby Ruth. Okay, yeah, we probably would have. We were SIX.

“Hurry! Our parents are coming!” Patrick pleaded.

I attempted to plunge the twig into the mysterious mass.

Resistance.

What the?

Hold up.

The object was not soft enough for the twig to penetrate. In fact, it had a rubbery feel to it…the twig sort of bounced back.

I leaned in further to apply the scientific method and employ more of my senses.

It didn’t smell like poop.

There weren’t flies buzzing around it.

Surely if it was a candy bar, the chocolate would have been soft and shiny on the sidewalk in the late-morning summer sun.

Unfazed, we picked up the object with our hands. And of course by “we,” I mean “I.”

It was rubber!

OH LUCKY DAY! The Gods had shined down upon us and bequeathed the most devine gift: a very realistic fake rubber turd! Oh Rehoboth Beach, you felicity of fecal humor, you harbor of hilarity, you Elysium of excrement, you.

Quickly, we pocketed the poop before our parents could catch up to us and realize what we were doing.

“What were you guys looking at?” they inquired…suspiciously…when they caught up a moment later.

“Oh nothing, just a cool bug.” We lied like skilled felons.

Patrick and I had a secret…a juicy secret. We spent the rest of the day plotting how we would use the fake rubber turd to our advantage. The possibilities were endless!

One of our younger brothers still wore a diaper to sleep at night. I can’t remember if it was Ted or Chris, but Patrick and I finally agreed that the best course of action would be to play a practical joke on our parents the next morning by making it look like one of our little brothers had pooped in his sleep.

It worked like a charm.

Our parents were horrified…

…sadly, not at the shape, consistency, and girth of the preschooler’s bowel movement, but at the fact that the two older kids had picked up something off the street and inserted it into the back a sleeping child’s diaper.

Now that I’m a parent myself, can’t say I blame them. Holy shit, that is vile. Sure hope that was a fake turd, actually, now that I think about it.

Yes. Patrick and I spent a good chunk of that day in solitary confinement for our crime…

…giggling the whole time.

Totally worth it.

And to this very day, I still think fake poop is hilarious. And not surprisingly, so do my kids.

————–

No summer memory is complete without a photo, this one Leslie affectionately titled Pull My Finger…

pull my finger

I can’t thank her enough for stopping by today, once you’ve finished laughing make sure you follow The Bearded Iris on twitter and her blog and “like” her on Facebook too.

You might also like...

Comments

comments

Powered by Facebook Comments

33 Comments Filed Under: Bloggers

Comments

  1. Life As Wife says:
    June 11, 2012 at 7:25 am

    I was waiting for you to say you put it in the pool or hot tub. An entire community pool evacuation would have been the icing on this cake!
    Life As Wife recently posted..Sledding
    Twitter:

    Reply
  2. tracy@sellabitmum says:
    June 11, 2012 at 7:45 am

    Your really liked Caddyshack didn’t you? Hilarious!
    tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..One Year
    Twitter:

    Reply
  3. Alison@Mama Wants This says:
    June 11, 2012 at 9:09 am

    *SNORT*

    My initial reaction: NOOOOO!! OMG, not the diaper, not the diaper! OMG the diaper! *SNORT*
    Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Before, After AND After
    Twitter:

    Reply
  4. Arnebya says:
    June 11, 2012 at 10:59 am

    I’m giggling because it’s always the things we did as kids that make us slightly less upset when our kids do something similar. I thought about the pool too but yeah, diaper was definitely worth it. A friend told me she thought the poop scene in Bridesmaids over the top. All I could think was um, have you ever had to go that bad and there wasn’t a toilet? If not, you can’t fully gauge the funny that that scene is (and how absolutely true b/c yeah, in the moment, it’s coming out WHEREVER!).
    Arnebya recently posted..After 10 Years
    Twitter:

    Reply
    • Leslie @ The Bearded Iris says:
      June 11, 2012 at 12:04 pm

      Hi Arnebya! You know, I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they respond to movie bathroom scenes. It should be like a Myers-Briggs personality test or something. I think the real brilliance of that Bridesmaids scene is the fact that it is performed by women. Hey, women poop. It’s about time we got in on the toilet humor.
      Leslie @ The Bearded Iris recently posted..Hot Turd Time Machine
      Twitter:

      Reply
  5. Kathy V. says:
    June 11, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    Hahahahahahahahahaha, POOP!

    Reply
  6. Jenni Chiu says:
    June 11, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Fantastic. Poop is totally funny… although, fake poop makes me giggle way more than real poop. You guys should totally do that again now that you’re grownups. I bet it’ll be just as fun.
    Jenni Chiu recently posted..The altered friendship. Also, weirdos are my muse.
    Twitter:

    Reply
  7. Jester Queen says:
    June 11, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Happy day this is hilarious. I’d have been too grossed out to poke it, let alone pocket it for future use! Well played!
    Jester Queen recently posted..Review: The Avengers

    Reply
  8. Leigh Ann says:
    June 11, 2012 at 5:40 pm

    Poop is hiLARious. We were at the lake a few summers ago and my friend Chris — the “smart” one of the group — unthinkingly picked something up out of the water, saying “What is THIS???” As the words came out of his mouth I saw his face transform into a look of horrified recognition as he realized he was holding poop. He tried to convince us and himself that it belonged to the dog that was with our group, but I’m not so sure. The lake was pretty busy that day. his new name is Mano de Caca.
    Leigh Ann recently posted..She sees me
    Twitter:

    Reply
  9. Not a Perfect Mom says:
    June 11, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    ha! I love fake poop…if I found some I’d totally leave it right by my husband’s head to find when he woke up…
    Not a Perfect Mom recently posted..Danze Faucet Review and a Father’s Day Shower Head Giveaway!
    Twitter:

    Reply
  10. julie gardner says:
    June 12, 2012 at 11:34 am

    There is nothing like a fake poop. Except maybe a whoopie cushion.
    You know. Because I go for sophisticated humor…

    Also, if it HAD been a candy bar, I totally would have eaten it.
    Flies and all.

    I mean, free chocolate?
    Hell yeah.
    julie gardner recently posted..The greatest of these is love

    Reply
  11. Ernestine says:
    June 12, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    I was about to puke when I saw your photo here! Lol! You’re so funny! summer is the best time for me and for my family. It’s our time to bond together.
    Ernestine recently posted..Alternative Medicine Los Angeles

    Reply
  12. Kristin @ What She Said says:
    June 12, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    I read this while I was eating lunch. Strangely, I wasn’t at all grossed out.

    What does that say about me???
    Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..The Unattainable
    Twitter:

    Reply
  13. Jenna Grimes says:
    June 12, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Hahaha! OMG!! POOP is just way too hilarious. LOL!!!
    Jenna Grimes recently posted..Get Support from Car Insurance Quote

    Reply
  14. Charlotte says:
    June 13, 2012 at 8:47 am

    Hilarious. Thank you for the early morning laugh! off to follow her now :)
    Charlotte recently posted..Phish guilt
    Twitter:

    Reply
  15. hollow tree ventures says:
    June 13, 2012 at 9:24 am

    I can’t stop wondering who the hell dropped their rubber poop on the sidewalk. Where did they get it? Where were they going? At least we know the poop fulfilled its destiny – the diaper thing was a way better prank than whatever the original owner had planned.

    That last sentence is the kind of thing I never thought I’d find a reason to say. The poop fulfilled its destiny, and now my life is complete.
    hollow tree ventures recently posted..Peeing While I’m In the Shower and Other Things To Think About
    Twitter:

    Reply
  16. Tonya says:
    June 22, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    I don’t care who you are, poop is just funny.

    Even when it’s not.
    Tonya recently posted..I’m Ready!
    Twitter:

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Hot Turd Time Machine | The Bearded Iris says:
    June 11, 2012 at 9:14 am

    [...] I have a little bounce in my step today because Jessica from the beautiful blog Four Plus an Angel invited ME to guest [...]

    Reply
  2. Summer Memories Part Two says:
    June 18, 2012 at 8:04 am

    [...] Hair and Bad Shoes 18 Jun By Jessica I mentioned last week that I was going to try to lighten things up a bit around here and I have another hilariously [...]

    Reply

Leave a Comment

*

CommentLuv badge
You can add a link to follow you on twitter if you put your username in this box.
Only needs to be added once (unless you change your username). No http or @ Twitter

Switch to our mobile site