Summer Safety

June 25, 2012 By

What can I even say about my guest today? She’s a talented writer, an amazing friend and if you don’t have a blog you should start one just so you can receive a comment from the warm, supportive and genuine Julie Gardner. I asked Julie to share a funny summer memory and you will die when you read this. Grab a tissue for your tears of laughter and read on…

—————–

You Can Barely See My Lips Twitch, Right?

sitting in car

This is my sister and me in the summer of 1972.

She’s two, I’m four and we’re both in mortal danger.

I mean look at us. No five-point harnesses. No booster seats. Hell, we aren’t even wearing seatbelts.

We are sound asleep in two folding chairs nailed to the floor of a ‘57 Chevy my mom and dad purchased from my great-grandparents for a dollar. (The car, not the chairs.)

These days even my Raggedy Ann doll would have stricter safety precautions taken on her behalf.

But I don’t hail from paranoid stock.

We’re a “no news is generally good news” sort of family.

An “everything will be fine probably” sort of family.

And you must realize this before I share my summer memory.

It doesn’t take place in 1972, although I vaguely recall beach trips like the one pictured above.

No, my story unfolds on a lovely June day when my own children were two and four.

A friend and I were celebrating how blessed we were to be completing our ninth year educating high school students.

Or we were shouting, “Thank GOD it’s finally summer!”

Either way, there may’ve been (a responsible amount of) champagne involved. And perhaps a bit less supervision than parents who are especially fond of watching their children might desire.

Still, our comfort level was high because – after all – our daughters were napping and our boys were playing safely in the toy closet.

That’s right. Toy closet.

When you live in southern California, you don’t need a place to hang your winter coats because it never gets cold. What you do need is a place to shove all your kids’ crap.

Hence, our oh-so-handy “toy room” off the kitchen where we could drink (a responsible amount of) champagne while still monitoring the kids.

Which is why at some point I noticed the closet door was pulled shut and the boys were suspiciously quiet.  So I investigated by tiptoeing across the kitchen and throwing open the door.

I found them standing against the wall wearing only their Superman underwear. And before I could say “Huh?” my son blurted this:

“WE DON’T HAVE ANYTHING IN OUR BUTTS!!!”

So of course I knew they had something in their butts.

As it turned out, that “something” was a box of tacks my child had sneaked from the tub of school supplies I’d carted home that week.

For some reason, these geniuses decided to place the tacks (oh-so-carefully) inside their underwear but then discovered they couldn’t really move.

No, they simply stood there. Like frozen statues.

Frozen idiot statues.

After my friend and I removed the tacks and finished placing hurried calls to MENSA, I had a talk with my son about common sense.

“It wasn’t my idea,” said my child with that telltale twitch of his lip.

I narrowed my eyes. “I know that’s not the truth.”

“How?”

“I’m magic,” I whispered. Because duh. He thought “tacks in my underwear” was a brilliant idea. His whole world was based on fantasy.  And I very much liked those years.

You know. When my fears still fit inside a closet.

Because three days ago my little boy turned fifteen.

And at some point he figured out I’m not really magic. Then I’m pretty sure he told his sister, too.

He doesn’t wear Superman underwear or play with his friends in the toy room.

(We turned it into a wine cellar because when you live in southern California and your kids outgrow their crap you need a place to shove all your alcohol).

Still, I’m not too worried. I mean, I did survive that Chevy.  And also my son’s childhood.

So nothing really scares me anymore.

——————-

Oh I love this post so much and am happy to say we now have no tacks in our home. You can visit Julie for more at By Any Other Name and stalk her follower her as I do on twitter too.

Thank you so much for visiting Julie, and making me feel better for having a closet full of winter coats.

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  1. Alison@Mama Wants This says:
    June 25, 2012 at 9:36 am

    I’m pretty sure hearing your child shout “WE DON’T HAVE ANYTHING IN OUR BUTTS!!” is a must in the Parenting 101 department, because how else do we learn NOT to burst out laughing when they do something stupid, point at our spawn and shout back, “YOU MUPPET!”, then roll over, and laugh some more.

    You’re still very much magic to me, Julie.

    Happy Summer!
    Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Remember When….
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  2. Adventures in Babywearing says:
    June 25, 2012 at 9:45 am

    Perfection.

    Steph
    Adventures in Babywearing recently posted..This is the summer of.
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  3. Ali says:
    June 25, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Oh my gosh! That could have been pretty bad! Julie, please tell me you at least pull that story out at parties and are perfecting your delivery of it for his wedding day.
    Ali recently posted..A Banana Split Party for A Different Ryan
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  4. Mandy says:
    June 25, 2012 at 11:50 am

    I often tease my mom that it’s a wonder my sisters and I survived childhood. Between riding in the back of pick up trucks and being sprayed with some sort of poison to get rid of all the ticks, I’m not sure how we beat the odds.

    This was a wonderful piece that was also full of helpful advise. Such as what to do with the coat closet. Noted and will be implemented.
    Mandy recently posted..Friday Fajitas with Friends

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  5. Greta says:
    June 25, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    HAHAHAHA! I’m dying over here. I’m sure he’s never reminded of this scene, either, right? Because that’s something you totally live down.
    Greta recently posted..Outdoor Movie Night #summerbucketlist
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  6. Kate says:
    June 25, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    you are the only person on the earth to make chocolate cake come screaming out of my nose from snorty laughter.

    go you.

    also?

    I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING IN MY BUTT!
    Kate recently posted..Birthday Party, Cheesecake, Jelly Bean, BOOM!
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  7. Cheryl @ Mommypants says:
    June 25, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    I. Die.

    Xander just stole david’s chips and ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. Because when you live in Southern California? The only place to hide is the bathroom. The closet is too full of toys and alcohol.

    xo
    Cheryl @ Mommypants recently posted..Something’s wrong

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  8. angela says:
    June 25, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    I am laughing in fits of hysteria, Of course they thought that was a good idea?

    Also? We used to drive from Michigan to New York with my parents’ friends and their kids: Conversion van – Dads in the front seats, moms in the captain’s chairs in the middle, five children piled onto (or under) the BED in the back. W. T. F.
    angela recently posted..Pas De Duex

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  9. Robin Bielman says:
    June 25, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    Julie, your stories are priceless! Your really need to put them all together in a book! I could seriously read posts from you all day, every day. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself and always making me laugh!

    Hi, Jessica! It’s nice to meet you!
    Robin Bielman recently posted..SUMMER GIVEAWAY!

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  10. christine says:
    June 25, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    Oh this is wonderfully funny. I just love how children holler out what they “aren’t” doing or “don’t” have when we haven’t even said anything. Priceless.
    christine recently posted..Slowly Feeding My Fire
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  11. Nina B says:
    June 25, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    You couldn’t even make this is up if you tried. Proof that life can be stranger (and more humorous) than fiction. Love the picture too!
    Nina B recently posted..An Online Fairytale Friendship
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  12. Alex@LateEnough says:
    June 25, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    The best piece of parenting advice I’ve ever gotten is that my kids would think of their butts, vaginas, and noses as small suitcases. {sigh}
    Alex@LateEnough recently posted..We Have Not Used Air-Conditioning This Summer Because I Listen To NPR
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  13. Kate F. says:
    June 25, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    Hehe :) I am trying to imagine my reaction to any of my three children telling me suspiciously “WE DON’T HAVE ANYTHING IN OUR BUTTS.” LOL. I have to say, tacks would have been my last thought!

    Julie, good to read you over here at Jessica’s. I am a new follower to your blog (found you about a month ago) but a longtime reader here at Four Plus an Angel. What a wonderfully fun post to share here!
    Kate F. recently posted..Escape
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  14. tracy@sellabitmum says:
    June 25, 2012 at 10:00 pm

    I hope he knows that the tacks in his butt all now all over the interwebs..which is so damn awesome. lololol
    tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..Here’s What We Did Last Wednesday
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  15. Tisha says:
    June 25, 2012 at 11:21 pm

    Oh Julie, I can always count on your posts to bring either a smile to my face or a tear to my eye. This is the first time, though, you’ve managed to do both with one post. Love it (and the fact that your son gave you permission to tell the story)!
    Tisha recently posted..First Trimester Screening, Part I…

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  16. Jamie says:
    June 25, 2012 at 11:54 pm

    Two of my favorites in one spot!

    What does it say about me that I kind of wish you had left them in there a tad bit longer… just to see what happened when they tried to move. Bahahaha
    Jamie recently posted..a little inspiration
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  17. Emmy says:
    June 26, 2012 at 1:38 am

    Lol! Oh my goodness! Glad the tacks all stayed in their underwear at least and didn’t travel inward and upward.
    Too funny. And that picture is awesome! Long car trips used to be so much more fun because you could just crawl all around the car.
    Emmy recently posted..Like Cuttin’ Butter
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    • julie gardner says:
      June 26, 2012 at 4:15 pm

      Emmy,

      You are so right! My sister and I used to curl up and sleep in that spot between the front seats and back seats…
      it felt so cozy and safe.

      Little did we know!
      Still, we never put tacks in our underwear.

      So I can’t really claim to have lived on the edge…
      julie gardner recently posted..Today I’m just plain excited…

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  18. Lady Jennie says:
    June 26, 2012 at 2:52 am

    Oh my gosh – I’m dying. “We don’t have anything in our butts.” This is too too funny. This is Julie C Gardner funny.
    Lady Jennie recently posted..Farms Are Dusty

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  19. Helen says:
    June 26, 2012 at 6:28 am

    kids do stick things in strange places, don’t they, I remember my oldest when she was about 4 or 5, she stuck a red seed into her nose (slightly bigger than a pea but not round) and then of course somehow(as she got caught in the act).. it got sucked back into the cavity in no man’s land where no one could reach.
    I had to take her to the Emergency clinic, where they knocked her out and then used a pair of forceps to pull the seed out…
    certainly memorable!

    Reply
  20. Arnebya says:
    June 26, 2012 at 9:32 am

    I just screamed laughing at work. Coworker: What’s so funny? I wanna laugh. Me: Buttacks. Her: Buttocks? Me: Those too.
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  21. Whitney Powel says:
    June 26, 2012 at 9:41 am

    Great post. I really enjoy reading your post. Thanks for sharing your awesome getaway with your kids.
    Whitney Powel recently posted..How to Win the Battle against the “Middle –Age Spread”

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  22. Jessica says:
    June 26, 2012 at 9:45 am

    I know this is meant to be a mostly funny post, and it did make me laugh, OUT LOUD, throughout. But I’m so stuck on “when my fears fit in a closet.” That makes my throat close and my eyes a bit ‘watery.’ My oldest son turned eleven this year and he no longer believes I’m magic either. And sometimes I wish I was only worried about errant office supplies. Thank you, Jessica, for introducing me to Julie. I’m on my way over to her blog now…
    Jessica recently posted..Crunchy hair and other crunchy things.
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  23. Jackie says:
    June 26, 2012 at 10:05 am

    Now that is priceless!! I love it!
    I need an alcohol/toy closet…. we don’t have those here in Michigan because you never know what the weather will be like and you just may need that coat.
    It’s interesting how concerned we are about safety now but when we were kids… anything went! No helmets, seat belts, and playing outside in the neighborhood unmonitored as something we did all the time!
    Jackie recently posted..Monday Menu ~ Summer Pastabilities!

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    • julie gardner says:
      June 26, 2012 at 4:24 pm

      Jackie,

      Yes! We were always out playing in the neighborhood without supervision. In fact, I think my mom said the sentence, “Go outside and play” more often than any other in my childhood.

      Except maybe for “clean your room.”
      Karma is coming back to me big time on that one…
      julie gardner recently posted..Today I’m just plain excited…

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  24. Alexandra says:
    June 26, 2012 at 10:19 am

    You can sugarcoat Julie, but we all know…

    there were some close calls back then.

    I can think of 5 right off the bat as I type this.

    Oh yeah.

    Safety rules for a reason…

    Hilarious wonderful nostalgic…thanks, lady.
    Alexandra recently posted..Bite Me on FnS

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  25. dysfunctional mom says:
    June 26, 2012 at 11:47 am

    This is the funniest thing I’ve read in, like, EVER. I’m dying!! Aside from the obvious “we don’t have anything in our butts”, my favorite line is this one:
    “And perhaps a bit less supervision than parents who are especially fond of watching their children might desire.”
    LOVE it!!
    dysfunctional mom recently posted..We’re Going to be Okay

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  26. Kristin @ What She Said says:
    June 26, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    Hey, I suppose it could’ve been worse – it could’ve been a gerbil!

    But tacks… in your butt? Ouch!
    Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..Ghost of Blogging Past, I Invoke Thee
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  27. Jessica says:
    June 26, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    Freaking kids. Sometimes I really wonder what is going through their minds when they do things like shove tacks into their pants.
    Jessica recently posted..8 Seconds at the Reno Rodeo
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  28. The Mommy Psychologist says:
    June 26, 2012 at 6:13 pm

    This laugh was exactly what I needed today! Hilarious!

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  29. Poppy says:
    June 26, 2012 at 9:47 pm

    Pretty sure this is one of my favorites. If a great kid like Jack puts tacks in his butt – Hank might have a chance!
    Poppy recently posted..Driving A Mini-Van Should Be Punishment Enough
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  30. Galit Breen says:
    June 26, 2012 at 10:19 pm

    Oh how I adore every word you write, Julie!

    (And for the record, you so *are* magic!)

    xo
    Galit Breen recently posted..So Very Sorry
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  31. Kari Marie White says:
    June 26, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    Love that pic of you and your sister. As always Julie, wonderful post.

    Are there pictures of this blessed discovery? My mom recorded all my hijinks with the Polaroid camera. Every. Single. One.

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  32. Natalie @MamaTrack says:
    June 26, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    I love this. It’s awesome. Laugh out loud funny!
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  33. By Word of Mouth Musings says:
    June 27, 2012 at 8:08 am

    LOVE …
    My 10 yr old still thinks there is a possibility I have a third eye ….
    Its amazing we all survived when I think of how totally irresponsible our parents were ;)
    By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Karma – and having that kind of day.
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  34. Ilana says:
    June 27, 2012 at 8:20 am

    Julie – that story is hilarious and you know your son is really growing up because he allowed you to share it. Also? Toy closet??? Wine cellar???? Please explain to me why I live in NYC again.
    Ilana recently posted..Pregnant, Hungry and Needing to Pee
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  35. Missy @ Wonder, Friend says:
    June 27, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Oh, I just laughed so hard that the kids asked me what was wrong. Have I not been laughing much this summer? That’s a discussion for another time. Why am I reading blogs while my kids watch TV? Also a discussion for another time (hint: it was 109 here yesterday. Expected to be almost that hot again today. TV is the safest activity – brain rot vs. brain melt.)

    Anyway, I love this. Kids are completely insane. Insane little liars. Thank goodness moms are magic (although I’m very disappointed that they eventually figure out we’re not – and of course they tell their siblings).

    You have also provided me with a new dream: turning all this toy storage into wine storage.
    Missy @ Wonder, Friend recently posted..The Risk-Free Quarter-to-Midlife Crisis!
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  36. Jess says:
    June 29, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Oh, you know I love a good butt phrase.

    Here’s to hoping my kids get more creative with their, “IT WAS HIS IDEA” immediate exclamations. You know, for blog fodder.
    Jess recently posted..The Smallest Infinite
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  37. Starle says:
    June 30, 2012 at 10:22 am

    My kids pull that crap all the time! “WE DONT HAVE ANYTHING IN OUT BUTTS!” hahahaha. The last one I heard was ” We have No Wild Animals Mama!” AAAAAAA!
    Starle recently posted..I get to be embarrassed to be American today. (Thanks) Subtitled: Why there are Slugs in my Pants

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  38. heidi says:
    July 1, 2012 at 12:07 am

    Okay, those lawn chairs nailed down to the car…that is some serious awesomeness. Remember when we used to sit facing backwards in a station wagon or just find a spot in the back of a ginormous van with no windows and if there was an abrupt stop you just rolled right out of that spot and hoped for the best? I am telling you – those were THE days!
    Love, love this post.
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  39. tracey says:
    July 2, 2012 at 8:32 am

    This is so awesome that I have no words other than to commend your parents for their ingenuity at nailing the chairs down instead of letting them tip over. See? They WERE thinking of your safety!
    tracey recently posted..Take a Break

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  40. Renee A. Schuls-Jacobson says:
    July 3, 2012 at 12:31 am

    Hmmm. Methinks I have heard this before.

    Butt the ending is different.

    Did you see what I did there? With the “butt.” It wasn’t a typo. Because you and I both know those are hideous.

    I love this again and again and again, in whatever incarnation it takes because no matter how you write it, it tugs at my heart and it speaks the right truth at the right time.
    Renee A. Schuls-Jacobson recently posted..Adjunct of the Year & Concern About My Future Career
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  41. Jewel Field says:
    July 10, 2012 at 11:46 pm

    It is definitely a nice memory with you when you were young. Girl you look so cute. Regarding about safety your mom forgot it.
    Jewel Field recently posted..How to Battle Hair Loss with Hair Growth Treatments

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  42. angela says:
    July 19, 2012 at 10:10 am

    <3 this :)

    And love the 70s photo tone, of course.
    angela recently posted..Between College and Reality – Reviewing The Marriage Plot

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