Parker has decided he wants to become a super hero. Donning a cape or a sword or boots when it’s 90 degrees, he searches for his next super power.
Feeling sufficiently swallow up, rolled in mud and injured by inch-tall army men during life as a boy mom, I’ve thought of a few new super heroes the comic books must have forgotten to add to their collection that would allow my son to jump right into the story, ready to protect the planet… sort of.
Dirt Magnet- He can find dirt, mud, dead bugs, tree branches and dog poop, shampoo himself in it then proceed to walk right back inside the house as if he does not smell like yesterday’s garbage or have half a forrest on the bottom of his feet, denying the need for a bath as if I just asked him to walk through a ring of fire, or sit still for 30 seconds.
Energizer Bunny- Is Bunny to feminine? Maybe Wolf? Tazmanian Devil? Anyway, the kid does not stop from the moment his eyeballs see light. Blurring past, heading from backyard to frontyard to back again, pausing to grab Buzz Lightyear or a costume change, I stand by for pit stops with a spoonful of peanut butter at the ready, recharging him for his next mission yet allowing him to avoid sitting down for a meal for fear the earth may stop spinning. Withstanding sleep like no other, his bedroom sounds like a frat party of one until he ultimately drops, crashing at the end of the bed, in his galant armor of saggy-butt Mickey Mouse underwear.
Sharp Shooter- Or possible Not Sharp Shooter. Apparently little boys pee horizontally, vertically, diagonally, pretty much any direction, 5 feet high, but never, never into the toilet. In his short peeing-standing-up career, he has managed to christen every object in our bathroom, leaving an distinct yet eye-watering outhouse aroma that turpentine could not dissolve.
Furniture Destroyer- Give him 5 seconds and he’s removed every cushion, scaled the back of the couch, roped it to a chair and is using the mini-blinds as a light saber. Before the Cheerios hit the bowl our house looks like an episode of Fear Factor but your safety is never in danger, if you happen to trip on a matchbox car/lego/almost-life-sized-firetruck, there is forever a couch cushion at your feet.
And of course…
Heart Melter- With one skinny-armed, wrap around my neck hug, one “Mommy you’re the bestest,” one sticky kiss on my makeup-bare cheek, he can erase every other super power, removing the battlefield from my mind and leaving me with nothing but pure little boy sweetness. Because he is perfect for this job and is teaching me to secure my cape and fly through the air, in mine.
It’s what Wonder Woman would do, if only her unitard came with an expandable waist.
What would your child’s super power be?
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