As I continue on my quest to make you laugh, not cry, this summer I am doing cartwheels (and now taking Motrin) over the fact that I have Kelley from Kelley’s Break Room here today. I can always count on Kelley and her hilarious posts to make me laugh, laugh again and laugh some more. And did I mention she blogs about The Bachelorette? How could you not love her??
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Jessica, thank you for letting me into your world! Your blog is an inspiration. It is so pretty in here, too, with the adorable pink dress up there, the pretty pictures you take and your straight, blonde hair. I have to admit that I feel the need to brush my hair over and over again in effort to be more presentable for your readers. You trusted me into your space and the last thing I want to do is have your readers wonder why you picked someone who has small woodland creatures living in her mop.
(My brush just broke. I got so nervous that I brushed my hair too hard and now my brush broke. Can I borrow yours?)
(Yes, yes. Okay. I understand. Yeah. No hard feelings.)
You asked me to share a fun summer memory. There are a bunch, of course, including the many days I spent at Astroworld, the main amusement park in Houston that has now been leveled. *Sobs loudly for several seconds, but quickly composes herself knowing that all of Jessica’s readers are staring at her and waiting for her to quit acting like a freak*
Here’s one of my first season passes:
I was 8-years-old. When I was that age, we spent a lot of time at Astroworld AND a lot of time camping. One of our favorite campsites was located in an area called “The Big Thicket”, which is located in the huge pine trees of East Texas.
I loved camping. Usually. I loved spending time with my mom, dad and little sister. I loved eating s’mores and hamburgers. I loved looking at the stars and all that business. BUT, there were three things I didn’t like so much. One of those things wasn’t peeing in the woods when no toilet was nearby. I actually didn’t mind that. It made me feel like a female Mowgli or something. Mowgla. I felt like Mowgla.
No, what I didn’t enjoy AT ALL were three things that my dad insisted I do without complaint, tears or drama one summer. I could really turn on the drama. My younger sister never complained and showed no fear over anything. I was the exact opposite. My dad said I would have to do at least one of these things during that summer of 1983:
#1: BAIT A HOOK: He wanted to take me fishing and thought I should be able to take a little harmless worm and impale the poor sucker on a hook. I did NOT want to touch that worm. No, no, no, no, no. He didn’t make an issue with my sister over this one, as she was only 4-years-old, but she probably would have done it.
#2: GO DOWN THE TALL SLIDE: I can’t tell you how tall it was and I can’t find a picture of it anywhere. It was tall, though. Too tall. My dad wanted me to suck it up and go down the blasted thing already, but I would just stand there staring at it and cry. Meanwhile, my sister would take her little tiny hiney and walk up the steps like she was at the McDonald’s playground. Little show-off.
#3: SWIM IN THE LAKE WITHOUT BEING AFRAID OF SNAPPING TURTLES BITING ME IN THE BUTT: The whole time I was in the lake, I’d frantically look around for snapping turtles. My mom had gotten bitten by one, so I had reason to be afraid. On top of that, alligators had been seen sunning near the water not too, too far away from where everyone was swimming. I didn’t want to go home without a right calf! AND, if I had known that there was such a thing as pacu fish, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near the water.
SIDENOTE/BIOLOGY LESSON/I’M SORRY: The pacu fish is a cousin of the pirahna, but, as you can see from the disturbing picture below, has human-like teeth. One of these suckers was found in a lake not too far from my house right now in Texas, has been found in a lake in Ohio AND has been known to kill men in Papua New Guinea by biting off their testicles.
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I bet one of those pacu fish is swimming in that campsite’s lake, too.
Disgusting, right??
So, which one of the three did I end up doing before leaving the campsite that year?
I baited a hook. Well, I helped my dad bait the hook. I think I touched the worm’s body for a total of .003 nanoseconds before running away screaming.
I know.
SUPER annoying.
I had no right to think of myself as Mowgla.
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I think I have about as much nature-loving/risk-taking abilities as Kelley, now who wants to go camping with us?
Make sure you are following Kelley’s blog and that you like her on facebook and keep up with her on twitter. AND did I mention she is a writer at Nickelodeon Parent’s Connect and Nickmom.com? I will ask her to blog about how she manages it all if I’m lucky enough to get her to visit again soon.
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I'm Jessica, 30-something mom to five, four in my arms and one in my heart.
Kelley, I wouldn’t have done any of those things either. Just looking at a worm makes me want to throw up.
Wait, that picture of a pacu fish already did.
(loved seeing you here!)
Alison recently posted..Things I’ll Miss And Things I Won’t
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
Thank you oh so much for educating me on the existence of the pacu fish. I do not believe my kids are ever going in a lake again!
I like camping too. But the campsite MUST have shower and toilet facilities. I am no Mawgla
Stephanie recently posted..Always Dreaming
Twitter: supermomboots
Oh Kelley bless you for liking camping at all. I despised it as a kid and complained the whole time that there was no plug for my electric curlers. I can’t even bait a hook with a plastic worm and forget about if I caught something. I would stand screaming holding a fish and a pole till someone came to take it off. I would have made a terrible pioneer. Love the cute ID pic!!
Twitter: Findingthehumor
I am the exact same way, I think I slept in our car for every single family camping trip I was ever forced to go on as a kid.
Laughed to death about the tall slide and your sister’s tiny hiny. Also, my children are never going in a lake again either. Most freakish teeth ever.
Jessica recently posted..Never say never…
Twitter: closeenoughblog
I have to be honest, I like nature… when I am looking at it from inside my house but I don’t really like being out in it.
And holy crap! Those teeth.
Also, LOVE Kelley.
Jen recently posted..Parenting Lessons from a Costumer Service Rep
Dude.
I can’t get over your sweet signature on that AstroWorld ID card.
It’s a good thing you’re famous.
So when I finally meet you in person, I can ask for your autograph.
Please tell me it hasn’t changed.
(Even if your last name has. It’s not like anyone could tell…)
julie gardner recently posted..Today call me monstrous
Oh that picture freaks me out! I am definitely not a naturally outdoorsy woman either–feeling your pain!
Meredith recently posted..Parenting/Parents Magazines: The Monday Review
Twitter: meredithspidel
I can’t pick the worst because I’m still reeling from the thought of a fish biting my testicles off. Like my voice isn’t high enough? This is my first visit and I’m enjoying your blog big time. Hope you’ll visit me sometime at Chubby Chatterbox.
Yikes! I’m glad those fish are only down south, not in the northeast where I live and my family goes camping! Don’t tell me that anything that horrible is up this way (my hands are over my ears, so you can’t anyway). I hate worms too, and wouldn’t touch one for anything!
Patricia P recently posted..Dog Party
I can bait a hook and go down a water slide (I worked at a water park for TEN YEARS, after all, but I am NOT swimming in no lake water with fish of any kind. Fish are disgusting in all forms. Yes, yes, I know. Why bother with the baiting of the hook? I only pretend to fish. If I ever actually caught a fish on my hook I would throw my whole rod and reel, pole, whatever in the water and run screaming in the opposite direction. Unless I was in a boat. Then I would drown. Because another reason I wouldn’t swim in a lake is I CAN’T SWIM.
Twitter: Handflapper
I will do the water slide and that is it. No baiting, no fishing, no walking in a mucky lake.
Jessica recently posted..How to love nature or not
What humongous fish teeth! He looks scary!
JDaniel4′s Mom recently posted..Taking Time to Play- Footprints in the Sand
I read this yesterday while doing a combinaton of laughing and cringing at the teeth on that fish. (That could be one of the creepiest things I’ve ever seen) Today I saw this article: http://blog.sfgate.com/hottopics/2012/07/09/testicle-eating-cousin-to-the-piranha-found-in-illinois-lake/ and then couldn’t stop thinking about you.
I totally thought you were kidding about the whole testicle eating thing.
Wait… one of those fish is swimming in a lake in Ohio? Is it a great lake? Because that’s awfully close to me…. I do not want to get bit by a fish that has nicer teeth than I do!!
Jackie recently posted..Brandcation ~ Yes! I want to go!
Dude, I hate worms.
Can never kill them with a shovel. They just squirm and look all gross like.
Kimberly recently posted..Before You
Twitter: momgosomething
Whoa! OMG- that post did not make me laugh. It scared me! Those teeth on that fish are TERRIFYING!
The Mommy Psychologist recently posted..I’m An Addict
OMG OMG OMG I was with you until I saw a picture of that fish and HOLY TERRIFYING TEETH! They almost look photoshopped. Thank G*D I can’t swim and will (hopefully) not ever encounter one of these guys.
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Twitter: MyPixieBlog