When I was 7 or 8 or 10 I was a champion water-treader. I was never graceful with the breast stroke or the butterfly and I can only imagine the site of my knock-kneed, stiff-backed dive, but I could tread water like no other.
At the end of class we would march single file on the slippery floor to the deep end. Once we climbed in, the timer would tick away, urging us to tread until we couldn’t tread anymore. I was almost always the last one in the water. It made me forget about how not good I was at the rest of the class.
It is August.
I have no calendar hanging on the wall and I push away from the date when it finds its way in front of me, but I know. I know that it is five years since my first contractions, five years since I counted ceiling tiles in my hospital room, five years since life started spiraling downward, the beginning of all the Five Years Since that drown my mind until I make it to October, the beginning and the end of dreams stroked softly.
As dates burn my eyes and muffle the sound in my ears, and time weighs down my steps and tries to take me back to familiar places I had drifted away from, I wonder if I am still treading. If I will ever stop.
And if I’m only good at treading because I can’t sink
and I’ll never be able to just swim.
Linking up with just write
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I'm Jessica, 30-something mom to five, four in my arms and one in my heart.
I know it does not help much but I am treading with you – wishing that we could both swim. Thinking of you and sending hugs. xo
Lanie recently posted..A Happy Day
It helps to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way but hate that we both have to go through it. xo
Oh Jessica, my heart and my thoughts are with you. Always so beautifully written and such love expressed.
Lynn
L.McG.-E. recently posted..New year, last year.
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Thinking of you.
angela recently posted..Our Love Story
You’re a brave, strong woman. Even if some days, you’re just treading water and don’t feel brave and strong. But you are. Love and light. xo
Alison recently posted..My Parenting Style Is Best Described As Flying By The Seat Of My Pants
First time visitor to your blog. Your story is so touching. I too lost 2 pregnancies and will always keep my babies close to my heart. We have since adopted a little girl and she has filled the void that I had for so long. You are a strong and beautiful mother to your children. I wish you nothing but peace and love!
Thanks so much for visiting and for such kind words. Would love to visit you too but your url didn’t come through.
Thinking of you…
Flannery recently posted..Facetime, Bringing Families Together
You’re surviving and treading water is a survival skill. Though exhausting, you’re pushing through and I see the days where you have been swimming–the small joys you take in your family. I know some days are harder than others and especially this time of the year. Thinking of you today…
Do you know that moment when a child splashes and treads in the water and is swimming without knowing it?
You are swimming, maybe not with beautiful strokes, maybe it still feels like treading, but to me you are swimming. (Hugs)
Mirjam recently posted..Fresh start
Twitter: applesndroses
Oh thank you so much, I never thought of it that way but I need to. Thank you.
I think you’re just wonderful, you know that? I do. Incredible.
MommaKiss recently posted..if I could turn back time
Twitter: mommakiss
This is perfectly put
My heart goes out to you… What I do know is that you’re a great mom and there are probably days where you’re simply treading water but there are others where you are swimming like a champ because if you weren’t you wouldn’t be where you are today.
Jackie recently posted..Cinch Update & Giveaway!
Whether or not you feel like you are swimming, you are a life jacket for so many.
Your words help others float; people who would be sinking if it weren’t for your understanding, your kindness, your love.
That is a strength that is runs so very deep.
julie gardner recently posted..Hands Down
Oh wow, I can’t thank you enough for this Julie. I needed it. I’ve struggled with this very thing lately, wondering if there is a purpose to putting my grief out there. Thank you.
Big hug and love to you.
christine recently posted..Quiet Love
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I am sort of overwhelmed by this post. The mixture of hope and sadness is a sad sort of beautiful. Especially the last line. Sending hugs to you.
Jenn recently posted..The Cost of Moving Forward
Twitter: librajenn
How easy it is to go back to that time. To feel it full on.
Maggie S. recently posted..Just Slip This Into the Anglo-File
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Chicken. Airplane. Soldier…one move at a time
For treading water, an average 70kg person would burn approximately 280 calories per hour treading water at a moderate pace.
Natalie recently posted..Vacation Traveling
Oh your heart, your words, your tread. So very strong.
{Yes, you are.}
Galit Breen recently posted..Watching, and Seeing
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You can’t drown if you’re treading. Hang in there. We all know you are stronger than you think and that you, if anyone, can do it.
Prayers!
Courtney Kirkland recently posted..Motherhood Robbed me of my Social Skills
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That’s cool, you could have been a water polo player if you are such a talented girl in treading! Much better than being a slave in a treadmill, like I am…
Niki recently posted..A legfontosabb dolgok a fogpótlásról
Don’t ever question it when words pour out onto the pages and they aren’t filled with sugary sweetness. Don’t ever think that your words don’t affect those around you who have perhaps experienced something similar. Remember that your words touch those who haven’t had these common experiences and they make us all feel just a tiny bit closer to you.
Sending you so many warm thoughts and good wishes today and always, momma. XOXO
Charlotte recently posted..Not while the puppy is sleeping
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I never thought of this analogy for what I do and you hit the nail on the head. That is exactly it! All year long, I do this and then in December, I go under a little bit. Then I tread some more and then in April, I go under a little bit more. By July, it hits me like a wave. Those dates…they are my undoing…. This was beautifully written. Holding you in my thoughts as I wish we didn’t belong to the same club.
AnnMarie recently posted..Back to School 2012
I think doing this cant help a lot to make some exercise…But I want to try it sounds interesting kind of exercise…
Audrey recently posted..How to Treat and Prevent Lip Yeast Infection
No matter if it is 1 year or 25 years I think we will always struggle with the special dates. I do and it is five, six and seven years for me for my three and every one of them still bother me. Sometime more than other. Prayers and hugs to you.
Beautiful, poignant post. Sometimes… treading water is all we can do and it’s part of God’s plan to make us stronger.
Aleta recently posted..11w6d ultrasound
Sometimes treading water is the best we can do. There is no shame in that. Sending you peace and love on the days you want to swim. xoxo
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