Light

We drove to our first day of preschool this morning on a dirt road, stuck behind a tractor, going one mile an hour. It kicked rocks and mud back at my van and trees blocked the sun. We would be late.

My little Sawyer, my baby, kept saying, “I see the light at the end of the road, I see the light at the end of the road.” I should have said I see it too but I didn’t.

I have been feeling sorry for myself, moping over my youngest beginning school, fretting about moments passing too quickly and lost days of baby-wearing and toddling legs. I have considered crying in my coffee and telling my son preschool has closed and I have greeted this new phase by trying to slam the door in its face.

Reluctantly I changed little boy jammies into big boy school clothes. I snapped pictures and directed hand waves and back pack turns and got lost in the Mommy Moments of it all. My kids, the living ones, are living. They are running and smiling and holding my leg tight as we pile into preschool and offering a cheek to kiss as I turn to go and looking back so I kiss them again and living some more.

Living like I prayed and willed and bargained for them to do when they were struggling for words

teenager first day of school

or breathing through tubes

mckenna first day

or weighing two pounds

parker first day

or staying just one. more. day. in my pregnant belly.

sawyer first day

The light’s not at the end of the road, it’s dancing in front of my eyes,

whispering in my ear when I need her most.

kids hugging

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  1. says

    Beautiful pictures and words! I am struggling with the same thing – trying to be happy that my 2 living children are growing and going to school. However, I have to keep myself in check because there is a huge part of me that wants to wrap them up and keep them home. Sending hugs and hope that we can both focus on the light. Thank you. xo
    Lanie recently posted..Letter to the Twins’ Kindergarten Teachers

    • says

      I am the exact same way, I just want to keep them home all for me. I go through a mini-struggle with myself every school day because I have to fight the desire to just keep everyone home.

    • says

      Wouldn’t that be the best? I would love to meet for a coffee, but it couldn’t be at my house because you would be hyperventilating from the messy crafts we do once the kids get home :).

  2. says

    That was a beautiful post, and I too laughed when I saw the pair of legs behind the easel! I hope they all had a wonderful first day, and that you did too :) I’m really feeling the “please freeze time” thing myself lately. It kind of snuck up on me.
    Tara (nerdgirlmom) recently posted..Camping Truths

    • says

      It’s so hard to enough them growing up when it’s all happening to fast isn’t it. Somehow I managed to relax and enjoy their first day and just be happy that it all went well. I hope you can do the same!

  3. says

    McKenna’s legs are perfect. All of the pictures are adorable, but that one . . . I am still in denial about the transition, and I only have one going. I thought it would be easier, since she went last year. No such luck.
    angela recently posted..Trust Your Eyes Review

  4. says

    This post was so beautiful and those pictures are so great! They will love school and you will see them grow into even better little people. We put off preschool until January, so my baby will stay a baby just a few more months.
    Barbara recently posted..The Girl who Cried Pre-school

    • says

      This morning is day two of preschool and I’m already ready to put it off. I just love our mornings of cuddling in jammies. I guess summer has to end at some point :).

  5. says

    The extra set of feet behind the chalkboard are SO fantastic. I know it’s been said but I wanted to say it again. ;) And, as always (and I hope you aren’t tired of my repeating it), your writing slays me and I feel like I’m in your shoes for a few moments. Sending you wishes for a *wonderful* school year.
    Jessica recently posted..Surprise Vacation, Days 1 and 2

    • says

      Isn’t that hilarious. I laughed and laughed when I saw the photo it is the perfect capture of life around here. Thank you for such a compliment as well.

  6. says

    Ha.

    Love the leg photobomb in there.

    And yes: perspective and retrospective: all of how far we’ve come.

    It’s easy to forget in the day to day, but goodness, the tale of those days behind us.

    xo

    • says

      Isn’t that funny? It’s the story of our life. She is way too anxious to attend school just yet so hiding behind the preschool sign was perfect. Milestones always take me right back to the past. xo

  7. Candyce says

    Those are some gorgeous kids you have!I they are really excited going to school…They will be missed the summer…

  8. says

    It’s bittersweet…watching them grow up. As parents, we WANT to see them grow and mature into adults that will change and shape the world. But, at the same time, we want to hold onto them as long as we can…never letting the time pass and willing them to stay tiny just a bit longer. Saying a special prayer that you are able to adjust to this new phase and embrace all the new moments it will hold.
    Courtney Kirkland recently posted..28 Week Bumpdate

  9. says

    Oh my mama heart just burst for you. I know I’ll definitely cry into my coffee when my boy goes to preschool. So bittersweet.

    (love that there are legs are visible beneath the board!)
    Alison recently posted..Priorities

  10. says

    I just love the little feet peeking underneath the chalkboard. It’s so hard, with all of the change and different directions, and growing up. But you’re right….we wouldn’t want the alternative, would we? It breaks my heart that you have to live the alternative along with the growing up. I can’t begin to imagine. But you live with her in your heart and I can feel that’s she’s part of every new milestone that the others are experiencing.
    Greta @gfunkified recently posted..Caught. #iPPP

    • says

      I feel the same, I have been seriously considering homeschooling so I can keep them all to myself. I am homeschooling McKenna but I think the boys need this experience so I’m going to get through it, right?

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