We drove to our first day of preschool this morning on a dirt road, stuck behind a tractor, going one mile an hour. It kicked rocks and mud back at my van and trees blocked the sun. We would be late.
My little Sawyer, my baby, kept saying, “I see the light at the end of the road, I see the light at the end of the road.” I should have said I see it too but I didn’t.
I have been feeling sorry for myself, moping over my youngest beginning school, fretting about moments passing too quickly and lost days of baby-wearing and toddling legs. I have considered crying in my coffee and telling my son preschool has closed and I have greeted this new phase by trying to slam the door in its face.
Reluctantly I changed little boy jammies into big boy school clothes. I snapped pictures and directed hand waves and back pack turns and got lost in the Mommy Moments of it all. My kids, the living ones, are living. They are running and smiling and holding my leg tight as we pile into preschool and offering a cheek to kiss as I turn to go and looking back so I kiss them again and living some more.
Living like I prayed and willed and bargained for them to do when they were struggling for words
or breathing through tubes
or weighing two pounds
or staying just one. more. day. in my pregnant belly.
The light’s not at the end of the road, it’s dancing in front of my eyes,
whispering in my ear when I need her most.
————–
Speaking of the beginning of school, it’s never easy when you have a child with autism. I’m sharing all of my tricks for making the start of a new school year go smoothly at Childswork today.
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I'm Jessica, 30-something mom to five, four in my arms and one in my heart.
Oh these days are bitter sweet! Sophia is in Kindergarten and she is gone more than she is home and while the free time was nice for a few moments, I miss her desperately and it now seems permanent. It makes me want to home school them all! Those are some gorgeous kids you have!
Brittany recently posted..eBayMobile App: List an Item to Win $25,000
I feel the same, I have been seriously considering homeschooling so I can keep them all to myself. I am homeschooling McKenna but I think the boys need this experience so I’m going to get through it, right?
I just love the little feet peeking underneath the chalkboard. It’s so hard, with all of the change and different directions, and growing up. But you’re right….we wouldn’t want the alternative, would we? It breaks my heart that you have to live the alternative along with the growing up. I can’t begin to imagine. But you live with her in your heart and I can feel that’s she’s part of every new milestone that the others are experiencing.
Greta @gfunkified recently posted..Caught. #iPPP
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you really have the beautiful way with words….
Not a Perfect Mom recently posted..Just In Case You Needed Reasons…
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Oh my mama heart just burst for you. I know I’ll definitely cry into my coffee when my boy goes to preschool. So bittersweet.
(love that there are legs are visible beneath the board!)
Alison recently posted..Priorities
Isn’t that funny? It’s totally her personality too, she wants to go to school but just can’t do it.
It’s bittersweet…watching them grow up. As parents, we WANT to see them grow and mature into adults that will change and shape the world. But, at the same time, we want to hold onto them as long as we can…never letting the time pass and willing them to stay tiny just a bit longer. Saying a special prayer that you are able to adjust to this new phase and embrace all the new moments it will hold.
Courtney Kirkland recently posted..28 Week Bumpdate
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Thank you so much Courtney, they did great their first day so I hope it continues.
Those are some gorgeous kids you have!I they are really excited going to school…They will be missed the summer…
This is a really beautiful post. I just had to read through it three times. This may be my favorite. Cute kids too.
Jaime recently posted..News Bulletin!! Hell Freezes Over, Talking Goat is Elected President, and Pigs Sprout Wings
Thank you so much, this school year has me very reflective although I think everything does
.
Ha.
Love the leg photobomb in there.
And yes: perspective and retrospective: all of how far we’ve come.
It’s easy to forget in the day to day, but goodness, the tale of those days behind us.
xo
Isn’t that funny? It’s the story of our life. She is way too anxious to attend school just yet so hiding behind the preschool sign was perfect. Milestones always take me right back to the past. xo
I was the Mom at Christmastime who counted down the days til Summer …
By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Write your story, from beginning to end.
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That would be me. I’m so relieved to be homeschooling McKenna so I have at least one here all the time.
Honestly, this all my kids in school thing has effected me differently than I ever imaged but your words have shown me… it’s a good thing.
Jen recently posted..Thank You Notes
Love these. School is wonderful for so many reasons. Everybody (including you) will be awesome.
Ali recently posted..Lots of Sweating and Heavy Breathing
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This is so sweet, Jessica. And I love the way you captured their first day photos with the chalkboard – what a great idea. (And here’s another thumbs up for the disembodied legs!)
May this school year be filled with many more precious memories.
Kristen @ Motherese recently posted..To my Son on his Fifth Birthday
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Great pics and memories. You did good, Mama. xoxo
Elaine A. recently posted..Last First Day
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They are so sweet together! Your shots are all adorable, thanks for sharing them!
Jessica, as always, touchingly beautiful. So much love to you all.
L.McG.-E. recently posted..On handbags.
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Thank you, hope the year is starting off well for you too.
The extra set of feet behind the chalkboard are SO fantastic. I know it’s been said but I wanted to say it again.
And, as always (and I hope you aren’t tired of my repeating it), your writing slays me and I feel like I’m in your shoes for a few moments. Sending you wishes for a *wonderful* school year.
Jessica recently posted..Surprise Vacation, Days 1 and 2
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Isn’t that hilarious. I laughed and laughed when I saw the photo it is the perfect capture of life around here. Thank you for such a compliment as well.
This is stunning, and heart warming and aching all at once.
Within the light, indeed.
Galit Breen recently posted..Mother Daughter Journals
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Thank you Galit and I’ve missed you, we must have been caught up in summer. Stopping to visit you now. xo
Definitely caught up in summer – just the way we’re all meant to be, yes? {No worries at all!
}
Galit Breen recently posted..Mother Daughter Journals
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This post was so beautiful and those pictures are so great! They will love school and you will see them grow into even better little people. We put off preschool until January, so my baby will stay a baby just a few more months.
Barbara recently posted..The Girl who Cried Pre-school
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This morning is day two of preschool and I’m already ready to put it off. I just love our mornings of cuddling in jammies. I guess summer has to end at some point
.
McKenna’s legs are perfect. All of the pictures are adorable, but that one . . . I am still in denial about the transition, and I only have one going. I thought it would be easier, since she went last year. No such luck.
angela recently posted..Trust Your Eyes Review
That was a beautiful post, and I too laughed when I saw the pair of legs behind the easel! I hope they all had a wonderful first day, and that you did too
I’m really feeling the “please freeze time” thing myself lately. It kind of snuck up on me.
Tara (nerdgirlmom) recently posted..Camping Truths
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It’s so hard to enough them growing up when it’s all happening to fast isn’t it. Somehow I managed to relax and enjoy their first day and just be happy that it all went well. I hope you can do the same!
I don’t even know what to say, your words are so powerful. They leave me speechless and breathless and just wishing that I could meet you for a cup of coffee. And a hug.
christine recently posted..Cheerios Under the Table
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Wouldn’t that be the best? I would love to meet for a coffee, but it couldn’t be at my house because you would be hyperventilating from the messy crafts we do once the kids get home
.
It’s hard to send them off to school but you have a good outlook on it. They are all getting so big!
Jessica recently posted..Essence Of Now: Labor
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I love the creative way that you did these pictures!
Aleta recently posted..14 Week Ultrasound
Thanks so much Aleta, I was just excited to actually have everyone ready with enough time left to take the pictures.
Beautiful pictures and words! I am struggling with the same thing – trying to be happy that my 2 living children are growing and going to school. However, I have to keep myself in check because there is a huge part of me that wants to wrap them up and keep them home. Sending hugs and hope that we can both focus on the light. Thank you. xo
Lanie recently posted..Letter to the Twins’ Kindergarten Teachers
I am the exact same way, I just want to keep them home all for me. I go through a mini-struggle with myself every school day because I have to fight the desire to just keep everyone home.
I am excited for their first day in school…They are really cute..
Katharine recently posted..Business Opportunities in the UK
Beautiful! I especially love this: “The light’s not at the end of the road, it’s dancing in front of my eyes, whispering in my ear when I need her most.”
I hope each and every one of your children have an amazing school year!
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