I am trying something completely scary for my perfectionist-self. I going to see what I can do with five minutes of free writing, no proofreading, no editing. My mind is a constant reel of memories this week as we approach the anniversary of Hadley’s death so it’s the perfect time to just write and see what happens. I’m joining with Stream of Consciousness Sunday on the subject of comfort. Here we go…
———–
This week will be five years since we lost Hadley. My mind is flooded with flashbacks and memories of the days after we lost her, not so much the days before.
The days after were comfort, they were horrendous and heart-wrenching and what-just-happened-to my-world aching but they were nothing but comfort and compassion.
I can remember not wanting light, we sat in the darkness of a hospital room with all but a huge KEEP OUT sign on the door and just cried until we couldn’t cry anymore. People would knock at the door, not knowing our world had just been taken from us and we would barely open it to tell them to go away unless it was an update on our two surviving babies, still hanging onto life just down the hall.
My husband and I treated each other like glass. Glass deeply cracked that, if touched, could shatter into a million pieces.
I remember the comfort of being with someone who knew the pain as only he could and saw our daughter as only we could. It may sound strange but being that close to her memory, minutes, hours, days after we had last held her… that is comfort to me. I want to go back there for a little bit. I want to be that close again. I want the comfort of remembering her life in my arms moments ago, not five years past.
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I'm Jessica, 30-something mom to five, four in my arms and one in my heart.
Thinking and praying for all of you this week.
Elena recently posted..So this is goodbye.
Twitter: NaynaDub
I wish I could grant wishes. I find that writing can take me back where I need to be if I let it.
anymommy recently posted..The plunge
It definitely does, I honestly think I need to write my way through this week. My mind has been going over and over things and putting it down on paper is the only thing that seems to help.
That was a beautiful SOC Jennifer. I hope you always find comfort in your memories.
Thanks so much Kenya.
this is beautiful and heartbreaking. You and your family are in my thoughts this week and always.
Robbie recently posted..Comfy Cozy
Twitter: momma23monkeys
Thinking of you and sending prayers and hoping you can mentally get to that place and feel that closeness again. xo
angela recently posted..Lies and Egyptian Cotton
Really heartbreaking. Hugs and kisses for you. I find comfort to myself when I am going to write also because I can find peace and I can express even more my feelings.
Twitter: William
You will be in my heart this week!
Barbara recently posted..Friday
Twitter: babspinfrance
Beautiful. Perfect.
Oh I’m so sorry…but what a beautiful post. XOXO
I can totally understand that desire to be back in those moments. To feel like IF ONLY you could be there again, just for a few minutes. If I could grant you that wish, I would.
Great job with the free writing.
Robin @ Farewell, Stranger recently posted..It Matters
Twitter: FarewellStrangr
so sorry to hear – i can imagine what a difficult time this must be for you each and every year, i hope writing about it helps and brings some measure of comfort.
amanda {the habit of being} recently posted..weekending
oh that i had the past of christmas present type skills that i could bring you back, draw the shades and sit quiet on the cold hospital floor while you call her to you. know that even if just through these empty airwaves, I am. i’m sitting with you. unafraid of the dark, unafraid of the cold, unafraid of you facing it all. just comfort to you. for you all today. joy mixed with mourning this five year mark.
tara pohlkotte recently posted..The Peace of Quiet Activism
Twitter: tarapohlkotte
This means so much because truly the darkness of it is too hard for some people and when I write things like this I worry about them all running away and closing the screen to my blog as quickly as they can. To know that you can stand here with me means more than you know.
I never know what to say after reading your posts about Hadley…but I’m here, reading them, supporting you, sending love and prayers….
Not a Perfect Mom recently posted..A Defining Moment
Twitter: notaperfectmama
Oh, this is beautifully painful. Mostly because I know exactly those thoughts. Five years was the hardest for me for some reason… I think you did a beautiful job with free writing, especially with a hard subject for you. Many hugs and extra love this week.
Jana A (@jana0926) recently posted..Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Comfy Cozy
Twitter: jana0926
I am so glad to hear you say this, not glad because you know the pain but glad that it is not just me because 5 years has been awful, completely awful and I keep feeling like I should be doing better than I am but I’m just so stuck.
And that is when you are know you are with your soul mate when in your darkest moments one of your greatest memories is the comfort you were able to give one another. Hadley gave you that gift.
Wishing you peace and comfort over the next few days as you remember the joy of her birth and the heartbreak of her passing.
Making It Work Mom recently posted..Bring It On
I’m sorry for your painful heart and memory. Really memory is very harmful some time.
Eugene Romeo recently posted..Kim Kardashian Tape
Beautiful post. The 5th anniversary of Jake’s death is when I started writing my blog. 5 years seems like such a long but also short time. I felt like I should be doing so much better but I also wanted to turn back time to hold him just once more. I wish none of us had to live Ina world without our child/children. Thinking of you and Hadley extra this week. Sending hugs and hope. xoxo
Your writing is so descriptive, I can see myself there with you, reliving the moment… I think the unique situation of losing one out of multiples is that even if you can have the time to grieve, you never get the opportunity to just lose yourself in your grief like you would if she had been a singleton. For me, that seems to prolong the pain, or maybe that is just the normal pain of losing a child. Thank you so much for writing and sharing these feelings. I know that I am not alone, and neither are you!
Alexa (katbiggie) recently posted..Heard from the Back Seat! #1
Twitter: katbiggie
I understand that fear of opening up this part of your life to readers. My experience with grief is not the same thing as yours at all – but my dad died suddenly in 2010 and I wrote a very grief-filled post about it a few months ago. I wrote about the moment my husband told me my dad was in critical condition in the hospital and how I reacted. It was hard to hit “publish.” But I had to do it.
As someone who went through a grieving process (and still is), I appreciate your opening up this part of yourself to us. Thanks for sharing. Thinking of you.
JD @ Honest Mom recently posted..Shame on me. And you?
Twitter: jdhonestmom
It is hard to share because the whole grieving process is not pretty but I always feel better after I get it out. I’m so sorry you lost your dad suddenly, I can’t imagine.
Ouch – this is so raw – so sad. To want to be closer to the still-new grief just so you can be close to your daughter … I’ve felt deep grief several times, but never that.
Lady Jennie recently posted..A Comedy of Errors
You so beautifully lay this part of your life bare for us to see. Your unedited work is wonderful – don’t be afraid to try it again. Thinking of you this week.
Jessica recently posted..Notebooking: Our First Try
Twitter: closeenoughblog
treated each other like glass…this is a perfect description of how you both felt in that moment. Love you like mad.
Kimberly recently posted..Eating Turkey Like A Boss
Twitter: momgosomething
Really beautiful. Loved your transparency in sharing this. I can’t imagine…prayers to you and your family.
Meredith recently posted..Pooping Your Pants: The Adult Years
Twitter: meredithspidel
This is beautiful. As a loss mama myself, I understand the heartwrenching pain you are feeling. I wish I could take it away, from all of us who have lost babies and children. I’m thinking of you this week.
Heather O. recently posted..The Vantage Point of Hindsight
Twitter: eatherhaelo
As always your words are so eloquent. So many good wishes to you and your whole family.
L.McG.-E. recently posted..Yesterday and today.
Twitter: LMcGE
I am so sorry for your loss and your pain and wish I could provide you peace and comfort all the rest of your days. Truly. This was beautiful.
Tonya recently posted..Dear Baby
Twitter: letters4lucas
I wish I could get you in touch with my friend Jodie. She’s not a blogger but she’s a friend of mine from college who lost her only daughter at birth. She has three beautiful boys (one being my Godson) and I’m sure you’ve talked and bonded with many others who have lost children but she’s really special. You know, if you ever need another friend who has been there.
I am sorry that you have to have that sort of “bond” with anyone but I can understand what you are saying here.
Much love, my friend.
Elaine A. recently posted..My Dream of Three
Twitter: elainea