Friday night I sorted clothes and toys and baby gear, surrounding myself in hills of “to sell” “to give away” and “I will never be able to part with’s.” Just as my hands slipped through baby snaps and my heart began to tug, I heard a familiar phrase coming from atop the stairs.
“Moommmm, someone peed on the toilet paper. Againnnnn.”
And with that my nostalgia was replaced with a reminder that I have two fully potty trained boys. Boys with bad aim, but potty-trained nonetheless. Any yearning for one more baby to fill those tiny clothes was squelched at the thought of potty training another male. So I thought, since I survived, I would give you my completely-not-expert tips on how to do the same.
1. Watch. Out. If you have not already learned this from the insane amount of diapers you have changed in the past several years, you will learn it now. Boys shoot far and wide, vertical and horizontal, and the excitement of peeing freely adds at least a foot of distance to their stream.
2. The most important phrase you will ever teach your son is “point it down.” See #1.
3. Do not go anywhere fun. Boys would much rather pee down their leg or poop on the sidewalk than ever, ever, stop what they are doing to head to a bathroom.
4. If you choose to take the risk of allowing your barely potty trained son to go to any type of playground, indoor playscape or birthday party in big boy underpants, be prepared to hear other children say one or more of the following phrases:
“Who is stinky?”
“My socks are wet.”
“Someone spilled something.”
“Watch out for the poo.”
Do not pause and wonder why any of these statements are being made. It is because of your son (see #3). Pull him out of wherever he is hiding and get out of there before you have to endure the wailing cries of all children involved as the play area is shut down for decontamination.
5. Stock up on rewards. Like all men, they need a pat on the back. When training my daughter, once she “got it” I was able to fade out the stickers and candy and she had continued success. My son? Not so much. I envision a conversation with his future wife in which I gently break it to her that he requires one M&M for going #1 and two M&M’s for going #2 in which she promptly returns her engagement ring and I have it made into a piece of jewelry to reward myself for making it through all these years.
You are now ready to begin the task that may seem to have no end. Although keep in mind, the minute you get over-confident and let him pee standing up, this whole process will begin again. Your bathroom will become a shooting range with marked targets such as the floor, the wall and the corner opposite the toilet (I will never figure out how it gets over there).
Just in case this post makes you completely trust my judgement, you may want to hear more from me and some of my favorite friends and buy our book! You will laugh until you cry or possibly stop crying to laugh with stories from these hilarious ladies:
People I Want to Punch in the Throat
Insane in the Mom Brain
The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
Baby Sideburns
Rants From Mommyland
You Know it Happens at Your House Too
The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess
My Life and Kids
Bad Parenting Moments
Let Me Start By Saying
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Suburban Snapshots
Ninja Mom
Honest Mom
Binkies and Briefcases
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Kelley’s Break Room
Toulouse & Tonic
HouseTalkN
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The Fordeville Diaries
Snarkfest Mom’s New Stage
Nurse Mommy Laughs
The Dose of Reality
The Mom of the Year
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Confessions of a Cornfed Girl
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RachRiot
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Funny is Family My Real Life
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I'm Jessica, 30-something mom to five, four in my arms and one in my heart.
Oh, number 3. I’m glad to hear it’s not just at our house.
As someone who has potty trained four boys and who is on the cusp of training another one, I say, Amen sister! My five year old still dances and jiggles and crosses his legs and insists he does not have to go to the bathroom – and then promptly pees his pants two minutes later. Sigh. Better stock up on the M&Ms for #5!
Twitter: lifewiththefrog.com
As someone who has trained four boys and is on the cusp of training a fifth, I say, Amen sister! My five year old still dances and wiggles and crosses his legs insisting that he doesn’t have to use the bathroom – and then pees his pants two minutes later. Sigh. I guess I better start stocking up on the M&Ms for #5!
Twitter: lifewiththefrog.com
I am potty training my first boy and I have to give it up to my husband who discovered the magic trick. See my son hates public toilets, in order for him to sit on it he has to straddle it and get his butt all the way back so you don’t have to hold him. Well in public restrooms this is a problem since he has to strip down to do it. Bless my husband (or whoever told him this trick and didn’t tell me) who came up with the idea of letting him stand on the seat. At school they have toilets that only stand 3 inches off the ground so he can stand there and arch his back and pee like daddy. Now when he stands on the seat he can do that and again pee like daddy. I will gladly wipe the seat down when he is done if it means I can carry only one pair of extra clothes in my purse instead of 4.
Those are absolutely true and wonderful tips! The book looks hilarious – I will be checking it out! What a great list of bloggers!
Twitter: katbiggie
Ha ha!!! Hilarious!!
Twitter: sarahmhalstead
YES YES YES!
When I read #3, I immediately thought of the time we had to climb to the top of the Chick-Fil-A playground and wrestle my 4-year-old back down to earth with his poopy pants. (And by “we,” I totally mean my husband.)
I want my jewelry.
Twitter: stinkerbabies
YES YES YES!
When I read #3, I immediately thought of the time we had to climb to the top of the Chick-Fil-A playground and wrestle my 4-year-old back down to earth with his poopy pants. (And by “we,” I totally mean my husband.)
I want my jewelry.
Twitter: stinkerbabies
Oh man, I am so glad that we’ve moved on from that. Now it’s getting him to keep his clothes on when he goes poop.
Twitter: momgosomething
My son isn’t trained yet, and this is not making me in any hurry to do it. Diapers suddenly seem AWESOME.
This is genius. I thought I’d be prepared after training my daughter–it was like pulling teeth to get her to go on the toilet. And I’ve totally held off with my son because I freaking don’t know how to train a boy. Do you start them out sitting? Do you get a stool and have them stand? Do you sit them backwards on the toilet? I have no idea.
All I know is, four years old doesn’t sound too bad to start this shindig, right?
Ugh, I remember these days so vividly. And like you, I wouldn’t go back there for any kind of bribery. It wasn’t the week of actual training that drove me nuts, it was the 12+ months of waxing and waning interest. Are we ready? We’re not ready. Now are we ready? Yes? No. Sooo glad we’re done with potty training!
Ha! So true! You would think with my kids being 9 and 6 things would get better. Not yet.
Just found your blog, will be back to read more!
best,
MOV
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