Fall

McKenna is lining up Barbies at the window sill and huffing and puffing with an occasional “ugh!” as they refuse to stand. I’ve offered to help and so have her brothers but she has this stubbornness that she gets from somewhere and we don’t fit into the Barbie Fashion Show plan.

From the window one over from the falling fashion show I can see leaves drifting to the ground and I can’t decide if I want to put them all back where they belong, green and holding tight. Or if I’d rather them all just fall at once, get it over with and strip the branches bare, ready for snow.

October is full of things I want to pull towards me and push away with the my daughter’s anger over flimsy Barbie feet. I hate it and it’s mix of indecision and changing of things. I want to be happy about birthdays and fall colors and not furious about the life that flitted away.

The lining of the Barbies is continuing and I’m so mad at those Barbies for falling because if Hadley were here she would be holding them up while McKenna built the runway or maybe she wouldn’t but I don’t get to know. I want to run over and make the best of fashion shows there ever was and then march outside and pick up all the leaves and shove them into gardening bags and pull them to the curb. McKenna won’t let me recreate Fashion Week though and there’s no time for four acres of leaf collecting. October is staring at me and I’m glaring back because there’s nothing else I can do.

Things keep falling and I keep trying to pick them up, wishing they never fell at all.

playing at window

this is just write

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  1. says

    Your words area always so beautiful, and this is such a poignant post. I love how honest you are, maybe Hadley would help hold up the feet, but maybe she wouldn’t. It is heartbreaking that these are the things we don’t get to know. So many hugs to you in the coming days and weeks.
    christine recently posted..There’s an Elephant in the Room

  2. Jackie says

    I know exactly how you feel Jessica, October is my month too and even after 12 years, it still is a “heavy” month! Last wknd I attended a walk for families who have lost a baby and it was so emotional for me! I wrote a message to my baby girl Lauren and could barely see through my tears while writing. It was a beautiful ceremony but very emotional! However, driving home after the event, I felt very proud of who I am as a mom and the enormous amount of love I have for my baby girl! It never goes away, but I dont think its supposed to. We are changed now and see everything so differently and this I am thankful for. Thinking of you and your family Jessica! Xx

    • says

      I feel exactly like you do. I’m forever changed but I’m glad that I am. I’m glad that she left a mark here with me. As much as I hate the grief and the pain I wouldn’t want to not feel it because it means she was here. Thinking of you this month too Jackie.

  3. Nana says

    The minute I saw McKenna’s photo, I knew this post would be about Hadley. Like missing a little piece of my heart, so I know it’s magnified for you. I wish, I wish…but I can’t make it so. Love and hugs during this one of many difficult months.

  4. says

    One moment at a time is the only way I have figured out to get through these anniversaries. It all gets mixed up with birthdays and then the holidays – it is so very bittersweet. If I could pick the things up for you I would. I am wishing with you that they never fell in the first place.

    Sending you hope and hugs. xoxo
    Lanie recently posted..Control & Clean Clothes

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  6. says

    Just lived through an anniversary month, there is no easy way is there? No way around it but through, acknowledging the complicated feelings and taking deep breaths as you go. Take care.
    Kiri recently posted..365 days without you

  7. says

    I imagine having the others keeping you from just sulking for an entire month helps keep you balanced. I have loosely followed you for maybe 3 years (this may be my first comment), so excuse my ignorance on the following.

    Would doing a little (extra?) community service during the month of October be helpful? Keeps you busy yet thoughtful and positive yet humbled. Plus of course, surrounded by love. :-)
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    • says

      Thanks so much for the thoughtful comment and for reading. This month is Infant Loss Awareness month so I am doing a big of extra work and it does help. Thank you again.