Easter ruffles scrunch beneath her car seat straps.
As I click her last buckle the silver tear drop at my neck dangles near pink painted fingers.
-What is this for Mommy?
-This is for Hadley honey, to remember her by.
-You’re wearing it to Nana’s house, Mommy? For Easter?
-Yep, I’m wearing it for Easter.
-Can we take Hadley with us Mommy?
-I wish we could, we will take her in our hearts, okay?
I brush hair back from her face, careful not to look up at her again as my tears well.
-But can we just pick her up, she’s waiting at the baby hospital.
And I can’t answer anymore.
I feel unprepared and overemotional and helpless.
Climbing into the drivers seat I fight the urge to head back into the house and begin my search for books on children and grief.
This is the part I had dreaded.
My daughter, wishing for a sister she will never have.
The grief of losing my daughter is never going to end.
Sadness will come in waves and sometimes, it may take my children away from shore too.
But it will always bring them back
because they can’t go far if I am holding their hands.
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Beautiful. No other words could express how we see and feel your heart.
You are so strong.
God bless you.
Thank you so much Kelli.
“…we will take her in our hearts…” This brought me to tears. Sending you hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.
I’m so sorry Jessica. There is nothing else I can say but that. It shouldn’t happen. Much love to you all.
Galit Breen says
I have no words.
Just sending you a lot of love.
Thank you Galit.
Mrs. Jen B says
This is so beautifully written, as always. I agree with the commenter who pointed out that it is so strong of you to not just act as though Hadley was never a part of your family. And it’s so strong of you to share your feelings the way you do.
Of course I would never disparage someone who can’t do that – my mom never, ever talks about the 2 miscarriages she had while I was younger and acts as though they never happened. I wonder if she knew how many other deal with loss, how that would have changed how she dealt with it. Things were so different then.
Thanks so much for your kind words Jen. I truly appreciate it and feel so bad for people like your mom who had to grieve in silence.
Those hard conversations are so… hard. I keep telling myself that they are also healing 🙂
You are so eloquent and honest and open. I am loving reading your writings.
Thanks so much, I hope the hard conversations start to get a little bit easier for me to handle. So far I blubber through them.
d, the undomestic housewife says
So many tears. I ache for you and your family. Your words are so beautiful, so sad. ((hugs))
Sorry for the tears, I appreciate your support, as always.
Your strength is amazing, Jessica. I have no idea how I would have answered or even been able to handle that question. Hugs to you always.
Thanks Elena, your support always means so much.
JDaniel4's Mom says
The drop necklace sounds like a wonderful reminder of someone very special.
Thank you, it is, I love wearing it.
Love to you, I can’t imagine dealing with this but I know you will find a way to honor her and help your daughter honor her as well.
Thank you as always Yuliya, for being such a great friend.
Mad Woman behind the Blog says
Thank you for your words, You are so brave to share your story with us, to trust us with your loss.
And so brave to live with your loss, on the outside, not shoving it down, denying Hadley even was here.
Thanks for reading. Once I started sharing it was so healing. There is something about sharing her memory and knowing that other people will always know that she was here that is so comforting.
This line brought me to tears: “Sadness will come in waves and sometimes, it may take my children away from shore too.”
Sending your family all of my love.
Thank you Nichole, that means so very much.
Thank you for this. My son died two hours after he was born, about two years ago. My other son has autism and doesn’t understand, which maybe is a blessing. I push all the feelings down so much, to get done what needs to be done, but there is always those moments that bring me to my knees. Thanks for the post and reminding me that the pain is natural and necessary and won’t wash me away.
Meredith- I am so sorry for your loss and can identify too well with your comment. In an effort to keep going we don’t get the time to grieve that we need to. I know very few people dealing with autism and loss. It is so good to meet you but I wish it was under different circumstances.
Jennie B says
She’s processing it. I love the fact that you talk about it instead of trying to hide it, though it must be so hard. Hugs to you.
I wish she wasn’t processing it so soon, I’m not ready! Thanks for the hugs Jen.
Bernadette - Mom to 2 Posh Lil Divas says
Hugs to you both. I can not imagine having to answer those questions but it’s also nice that you all hold Hadley in your hearts and dear. You are amazing & inspiring – may you continue to heal and grow while holding your children close forever even if just in your heart.
Oh my goodness. Tearing up. So sweet and sad at the same time.
Paula@Simply Sandwich says
I know that my simple words are not enuf, but I am so very sorry about your loss.. I can not even comprehend what you are going through. Thank you for sharing this part of your heart!
This brought tears to my eyes! I’m so sorry!
I think it is really sweet that your children still remember and ask about Hadley, she holds a special place in their hearts as well as in yours. I’m so sorry for your loss but I think you do an excellent job remembering your angel.
Oh hon. Your beautiful words. I am so sorry. Love you.
Such love in this. Its saddening yes, but reading in that, I see love, desire, and emotion, I know this feeling, my daughter asks every night about her baby brother, I keep telling her she can dream with him is she misses him. . its hard to see the look into little eyes as they wonder why they cant hold the new baby you had once been telling them all about everyday.
I know you will do great, and are doing so, that picture looks so happy, I love it.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
A Deep, True, feeling of love in all that longing and hurt. .
This totally made me cry. I can’t even imagine your pain and grief. Hugs to you and your daughter.
I cannot even imagine. I am so sorry for this. I know you probably hear that all the time, but I seriously cannot even imagine your heartache. Hugs.
Janet Smith says
Beautiful post! I dread the day that my girls are old enough to understand that their sister is not with us. I need to go get some kleenex now. You are a beautiful writer but you always manage to make me cry. 🙂
Sorry Janet, I’ve been emotional all week. It is so hard to have these discussions because, really, we shouldn’t ever have to.
Sorry about the tears but thank you.
I love that they ask questions and feel comfortable enough with you to do so. You are doing it all right just by being there.
I hope so Leighann.
Hugs to you.