Yesterday was one of those not-so-stellar days of parenting. We were stuck inside because of rain and everyone was whining and fighting and by noon I had put in the “if I don’t get a break soon I’m running away from home” call to Mark.
In hopes of saving my sanity I packed the kids up and took them to an indoor play place (I know sanity and indoor play place, not usually in the same sentence).
While changing the kids into their 80 millionth dress up outfit in walked identical twin girls about the same age as my kids.
Costume #2348
My attempt to ignore the ache in my heart telling me I should have two girls, dressed in match clothes, finishing each others’ sentences as they ran for the princess dresses failed.
Parker was a magnet for these girls, he started playing with them instantly. Before I could pull Sawyer down from his latest adventure,
His favorite spot
I turned to find Parker sandwiched between his new friends going down the slide.
A picture of what my life should be.
And just incase my heart hadn’t completely broken in half, I heard my sweet boy tell his sister that he couldn’t play with her because he “liked playing with two girls instead of just one.”
So I did what any barely sane, grieving mom would do. I forgot about my frustrations of the morning, watched my kids play through blurry eyes then kissed their little cheeks like crazy and told them I loved them one thousand times as I loaded them up to go home.
And when we got home?
I put my phone away and made the best construction worker/bakery they had ever seen.
Donut making requires full construction gear
Because life is short.
And sometimes?
It’s way too short.
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Again, I am sorry for your loss. My wife and I aren’t on the same page in terms of having more children. Most of my life I have pictured a little girl named Samara, Sam for short. I started integrating parts of that image I have of her into my Egret the Elephant Children’s stories/poems. I created a character named Samara/Sam that I try and fill with some of those images. Thank G-d I don’t know what it is like to actually loose a child, but I do mourn Sam in my own way, which is why I am literally creating her in my stories. The other night I was out with my family and I saw this little girl who just looked so much like I pictured Sam (the never conceived human, not the elephant), that I started tearing up. I turned away before my kids or wife noticed.
Oh wow, it’s so hard to be on different pages when it comes to wanting more children.
amazing what triggers tears and heartbreak.
so sorry.
Thinking of you…hope this week is better.
It’s amazing what will trigger emotion, isn’t it? And how it sneaks up on you.
You’re such an incredible mom, and an incredibly strong person. Your kids are so lucky. Hugs to you!!!
oh hugs, so sorry for your pain.
I cannot even imagine how this feels.
I have days like that too, where I’m going to lose it.
I like to think your daughter sent those girls along with a piece of her, to give you strength you didn’t know you had, and a way to turn the day into a fun one.
Hugs to you.
You are such an amazingly strong woman!! Big hugs!
I agree, when I\’m not prepared for it I have a really hard time getting through. I couldn\’t wait to get the kids out of there.
Move a little closer to the computer screen…feel that? I’m giving you a giant hug. You’re a good mom.
Thanks so much, truly appreciate the hug!
Oh, man, I get sideswiped by those “what if” moments, too. When life is just slapping you in the face with what your & your kids’ lives would have looked like if only….
For me the actual “what if” is different, it’s all about the autism – when Ethan is playing with friends who are a pair of twins and I see them interacting with each other, being best friends, sharing their lives together, sometimes I just lose it inside, so consumed by the feelings of “this is how it should be with Ethan & Jake”.
So yeah, I get it. Completely. Hugs to you.
Awww. So sorry! 🙁 You are amazing Jess!
What a tough place to be in! How wonderful that your children are so outgoing and welcoming of new friends!
Pain like that is visceral. You are blessed that you can use it to love your kids even more XXX
I’m so sorry for your pain. Reading this brought tears to my eyes. You’re an amazing mother and a wonderful person. Sending hugs your way.
Because there are no words, I’m sending you hugs instead.
I’m glad you can laugh and cry within the same day. I’m sure your children love you all the more for it.
I’m sorry for your pain. You are an awesome mother to all of your children.
My hearts aches for you. Life is too short. and sometimes very unfair. Sending love. xoxo
There are so many reminders of how things “should” be. They come out of nowhere and knock you upside the head. But you handle it with strength and grace. And your lovely children will always know how much you mean to them.
“Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal. ”
I can’t even imagine what your heart is feeling… but you are in my prayers.
I admire your strength so much! Love and kisses 🙂
What a difficult and beautiful outing. Your strength amazes me. I simply cannot imagine what you’ve been through.
My heart just breaks for you… Your strength is amazing. Sending lots of hugs to you & ALL of your little construction workers.
To grieve deep one must love deep.
Sending love and hugs as you continue to navigate.
I wish we would’ve met you there so I could’ve given you a hug. 🙂
Oh, that must have been so difficult for you. I love how you turned that around and made it a great day for everybody. HUGS! Because really, only a good mom knows that fake donuts require protective eye wear 🙂
Sending you a whole bunch of virtual hugs.
Love to you.
I love you. xoxo
So sorry for your sadness. I am glad you enjoyed your construction bakery! I bet you could sell a lot of doughnuts to construction workers! Someone’s got a great business idea…
((hug))