Four Plus an Angel by Jessica Watson

Life after loss with autism, preemies and a rainbow baby

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You are here: Home / Grief / Then and Now

Then and Now

By Jessica

Then I was young.

You were born right on time, your due date.

You were smiles and challenges

and growing up together.

smiling baby

Ashlyn, 5 months old

Now you are almost grown.

You are A’s in Math and contagious smiles

and you are never, ever late for a thing.

flower garden

Ashlyn, 15 years old

——————-

Then you were Baby A

fragile and small,

serious and full of light.

First to come home, to walk, to speak.

preemie

McKenna, 3 months old, a few days from her actual due date.

Now you are beauty and health,

hot pink nails and dainty tip toes.

You are never last, for anything.

farm

McKenna, 3 1/2

——————-

Then you were Baby B.

You were tiny and quick,

your size, no obstacle.

Determination and strength brought you finally home.

Parker 3 months old, barely passed his original due date.

Now you are morning hugs and spilled milk,

sweet I love you’s and perfect couch dives.

Your small little stature, perfect for speed.

riding bike

Parker, 3 1/2

———————

Then you were unexpected blessings,

small but strong,

kissed and loved by all kinds of little faces.

You stretched our hearts to limitless bounds.

sawyer

Sawyer, 11 months old

Now you are still baby

but all boy,

cheesy grins and extra stories at bedtime.

Your perfect little self, always shining the light.

sawyer smile

Sawyer, 2 years old

——————

Then you were Baby C.

The first I touched,

the first we held,

the life we lost.

nicu

Hadley 2 days old

Now you are rainbows on dreary days,

and the pause between my words.

You are teary smiles and

bubbly little girls.

That empty space

where there should be one more picture.

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Filed Under: Grief, Musings of Motherhood


Comments

  1. Alexa (katbiggie) says

    June 2, 2013 at 11:05 pm

    I am glad you pinned this today or I might have missed it. This is a beautiful, beautiful tribute. I love it!

  2. JD @ Honest Mom says

    August 9, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    It was lovely to spend a little time with you at the Urban Sitters dinner at BlogHer. 🙂 When we met, I knew I had heard of your blog and read some posts, but didn’t know the backstory. This is a beautiful post. I am so sorry for your loss. All your children are beautiful – and I love your writing. Have a great weekend…

  3. Poppy says

    July 17, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    Glad to see P doesn’t wear princess dresses when he rides his bike, they tend to get caught in the spokes. Don’t ask me how I know.

  4. Krista says

    July 17, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Oh wow. Your words are so simple, yet touching and heartbreaking.

  5. Erin Margolin says

    July 17, 2011 at 10:37 am

    this took my breath away, jessica. you always manage to silence all the noise around me when i’m reading.

    precious photos.

    Love.

  6. Truthful Mommy says

    July 17, 2011 at 10:16 am

    Your words transcend space, land on my heart and resonante. You, my friend, are so stoic and such an amazing mother ad writer. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby but can see that they are always with you in your heart and on your mind. SUch a beautiful, touching post.

  7. Tina @ Life Without Pink says

    July 17, 2011 at 10:08 am

    You always “wow” me with your words. Such a touching a sweet post.

  8. Ashley says

    July 16, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Oh my, you certainly took my breath away. You have a way with beautiful words- there should be a tissue warning on some of your posts. Amazing.

    • Jessica says

      July 16, 2011 at 10:16 pm

      Sorry for forgetting the tissue warning. Thanks so much for reading Ashley, this post means so much to me.

  9. Varda (SquashedMom) says

    July 16, 2011 at 11:20 am

    Ah, Jess, don’t know how I missed this a few days ago. Just beautiful. Way to rip my heart out. Again.

    • Jessica says

      July 16, 2011 at 10:17 pm

      Sorry Varda! But thanks so much for reading. Truly appreciate you as always.

  10. Melanie says

    July 16, 2011 at 10:45 am

    Beautiful. Just beautiful. I can’t write anymore because I am so moved.

  11. Annie @ Mama Dweeb says

    July 16, 2011 at 10:40 am

    A very touching post, had me riveted to my screen the entire time. Took my breath away. Thank you for sharing your heart with us, I know it means a lot to other mothers that have experienced the same thing.

  12. Nichole says

    July 16, 2011 at 9:57 am

    You make the most beautiful babies, Jessica.
    I can see that even through these tears.

    I am ever in awe of you, Jessica, and I am so blessed to call you my friend.

  13. Just Jennifer says

    July 16, 2011 at 12:10 am

    Oh, you made me cry! I love the way you express yourself. Beautiful pictures, gorgeous babies.

  14. Jessica says

    July 14, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    Thanks so much Alison.

  15. Charlotte says

    July 14, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Goosebumps. There’s really not much more I can add except that I’m really overwhelmed with emotion right now. My heart surges for your beautiful children and aches for your loss. What a talented writer you are. *HUGS*

    • Jessica says

      July 14, 2011 at 8:29 pm

      Thanks so much Charlotte, this post was really emotionally overwhelming for me too. I think it will always be one of my favorites and I hope one day my children love it too.

  16. Runnermom-jen says

    July 13, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    This was beautiful, Jessica.

  17. Katie says

    July 13, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    oh this is soooo beautiful. What a gorgeous tribute to ALL your children.

  18. Jenny says

    July 12, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    Beautiful, of course! What else do I expect when I stop by. 😉

    • Jessica says

      July 12, 2011 at 10:26 pm

      Thanks so much Jenny!

  19. Kristin @ What She Said says

    July 12, 2011 at 8:55 pm

    “…and the pause between my words.”

    Achingly beautiful.

  20. blueviolet says

    July 12, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    You made me smile and then you made my eyes tear up. You are a true gift…to your babies, to the written word, and to us.

    • Jessica says

      July 14, 2011 at 8:28 pm

      Awww, thank you so much.

  21. julie gardner says

    July 12, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    “The pause between my words…”
    That’s when the lump in my throat became official.

    I’m not a crier, but I am someone in awe of your strength.
    And beauty. And legacy.

    You are the perfect mother for each one of these children.
    But you knew that already…

    XO

    • Jessica says

      July 12, 2011 at 7:59 pm

      Thank you Julie, I can\’t tell you how much your words mean to me. xo

  22. Sarah says

    July 12, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Oh my gosh Jess. I love this post! Amazing. Cute photos too.

  23. Amanda says

    July 12, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    This is beautiful, touching and heartbreaking at the same time. Your children are all just gorgeous, even your sweet angel baby.

  24. Amy ~ Eat. Live. Laugh. Shop. says

    July 12, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Beautiful. Each and every one!!!!

  25. Elena @NaynaDub says

    July 12, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    I don’t know what to say that hasn’t already been said in the comments. So beautiful. So speechless. Hugs to you always and to all your beautiful babies.

    • Jessica says

      July 12, 2011 at 3:18 pm

      Thanks so much Elena, I always appreciate your support.

  26. Leighann says

    July 12, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    The pictures of your children brought huge smiles to my face.
    Seeing your oldest, who is so determined, independent and empathetic – so smiley from the start.
    Your middles so perfectly different but beautifully similar. I wanted to reach through the computer and kiss their little baby faces.
    And your baby. So much a big boy but always mommy’s baby.
    Then.
    Your little girl.
    My heart aches.
    And then I thought maybe there’s a reason for all of these meme’s, linky’s and posts.
    So that we always remember.
    And so we can love her too.

    • Jessica says

      July 12, 2011 at 3:18 pm

      Awww, my first cry from a comment in a while. Thank you Leighann. xoxoxo

  27. Jean says

    July 12, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    Beautiful words XXX

  28. MommaKiss says

    July 12, 2011 at 10:50 am

    well. you leave me speechless and breathless. know i’m thinking of you right this very second. hard.

  29. Minivan Mama says

    July 12, 2011 at 10:39 am

    You have a beautiful family.

  30. Grumpy Grateful Mom says

    July 12, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Thank you for your beautiful post about your children. It was so fun to the the befores and afters of your sweet kiddos. My heart goes out to you for little Hadley.

    • Jessica says

      July 12, 2011 at 3:17 pm

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read.

  31. Mrs. Jen B says

    July 12, 2011 at 10:08 am

    So lovely. You have an incredible gift of sharing your heart through your words.

  32. Greta says

    July 12, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Loving. Beautiful. Heartbreaking.

  33. Evonne says

    July 12, 2011 at 9:31 am

    Your babies are all beautiful and your words capture that beauty.

  34. Tayarra says

    July 12, 2011 at 9:30 am

    How you always put things together so well I will never know.

    Beautiful!

  35. Shell says

    July 12, 2011 at 9:15 am

    Your words give me goosebumps! So beautiful!

  36. KLZ says

    July 12, 2011 at 8:54 am

    You always make me miss Hadley too, even though I feel I don’t have a right to.

    • Jessica says

      July 12, 2011 at 9:11 am

      This is the perfect comment. Sharing her keeps me going.

  37. Renee says

    July 12, 2011 at 8:51 am

    Beautiful and sweet.

  38. JDaniel4's Mom says

    July 12, 2011 at 8:40 am

    I love that you shared all your beautiful little ones. They are all so cute!

  39. angela says

    July 12, 2011 at 8:37 am

    They are all so very beautiful, your children and your descriptions of them. It is so very clear that all five of them are your heart.

  40. Alex@LateEnough says

    July 12, 2011 at 8:15 am

    Hugs.

  41. tracy says

    July 12, 2011 at 8:14 am

    Beautiful babies. I love you. xo

  42. Barbara says

    July 12, 2011 at 7:21 am

    All 5 of your babies are adorable and special! Your words about them are so precious!

  43. Kimberly says

    July 12, 2011 at 7:21 am

    This is so beautiful. Love

  44. dysfunctional mom says

    July 12, 2011 at 4:27 am

    Oh wow, what a beautiful post. Your babies were beautiful, all of them!

  45. Practical Parenting says

    July 12, 2011 at 1:48 am

    Beautiful. Just beautiful. I couldn’t do it, but I’m with you. And grateful to have found you.

    • Jessica says

      July 12, 2011 at 3:16 pm

      So glad we\’ve connected. We will just keep pulling each other through. You will be able to do it one day.

  46. Jessica says

    July 12, 2011 at 1:45 am

    Your babies are all so adorable and your descriptions are great for them.

  47. Tonya says

    July 12, 2011 at 1:33 am

    Beautiful.

    Each and every one of your children and your descriptions of them.

    Hugs to you. xoxo

  48. C @ Kid Things says

    July 12, 2011 at 1:25 am

    This is beautiful.

  49. Ilana says

    July 12, 2011 at 12:50 am

    Your babies are gorgeous. And so is your rainbow.

  50. Rusti says

    July 12, 2011 at 12:40 am

    beautiful babies… beautiful children… beautiful words of love & loss… you are full of beauty Jessica, and you bring tears to my eyes.

  51. anna ~ random handprints says

    July 12, 2011 at 12:30 am

    lovely post. may hadley’s memory be a blessing.

  52. Erin says

    July 12, 2011 at 12:29 am

    Seriously Jessica you always make me tear up, and remember all my special angels that I never got to meet in that way! She was so much more than Baby C and I can read that in your words! That pic that you are missing is so well imbedded in your heart, and I thank you for letting us see that pic in your words!

  53. Julie @ mamamash says

    July 12, 2011 at 12:29 am

    So many blessings, such painful heartache, and seriously amazing strength and hope in this post, Jessica. Thank you for sharing with us.

  54. Amanda M. says

    July 12, 2011 at 12:25 am

    Wow, that was beautiful! It took my breath away. Not only is it a wonderful thing for all of us to see, but it is a wonderful memory for each of your kids. So beautiful!

    • Jessica says

      July 12, 2011 at 3:16 pm

      Was thinking that as I wrote it, that I hope some day this is a post they cherish.

  55. melissa says

    July 12, 2011 at 12:22 am

    your children are so beautiful. what a touching post!
    i can’t even imagine!

  56. Galit Breen says

    July 12, 2011 at 12:20 am

    Oh sweet friend, I am speechless.

    Sending love.

    This is beautiful.

  57. Kimberly says

    July 12, 2011 at 12:19 am

    Your words, your children, and you… So beautiful. You’ve brought tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. {{hugs}}

  58. Carri says

    July 12, 2011 at 12:17 am

    You are so brave for writing this. Thank you for sharing. It must be so tough to bury a child. HUGS

  59. jenny says

    July 12, 2011 at 12:11 am

    they are all so very beautiful…
    your grace and strength continue to amaze me. couldn’t get through to the end without tears.

    • Jessica says

      July 12, 2011 at 3:15 pm

      Thanks so much Jenny.

  60. Stephanie says

    July 12, 2011 at 12:10 am

    Seriously, you are most likely to make me cry! Like always, an absolutely beautiful post. And such great pictures 🙂

  61. Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation says

    July 12, 2011 at 12:09 am

    You my friend have a way with words. I have tears as I look at your beautiful babies and read your beautiful words.

    {{{HUGS}}}
    xoxo

  62. Jayme says

    July 12, 2011 at 12:01 am

    OMG Ashlyn’s baby pic- ADORABLE! That grin is to die for.

    All your babies are so sweet, Jessica!

  63. Rach (DonutsMama) says

    July 11, 2011 at 11:52 pm

    Jessica, your words are so beautiful. Your babies and you are beautiful. My heart aches for your loss.

    • Jen says

      July 12, 2011 at 8:22 am

      This comment pretty much sums up what I wanted to say so I am just going to say ditto.

      • Jessica says

        July 12, 2011 at 9:11 am

        Thank you to you both.

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About me

Jessica Watson

I'm Jessica, 40-something mom to five, four in my arms and one in my heart.

On any given day you will find me taxi-ing teenagers, mopping up our latest "art project" and trying to remember when I turned the crock pot on… all the while, looking for the closest Starbucks drive thru.

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