Four Plus an Angel by Jessica Watson

Life after loss with autism, preemies and a rainbow baby

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Then and Now

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Then I was young.

You were born right on time, your due date.

You were smiles and challenges

and growing up together.

smiling baby

Ashlyn, 5 months old

Now you are almost grown.

You are A’s in Math and contagious smiles

and you are never, ever late for a thing.

flower garden

Ashlyn, 15 years old

——————-

Then you were Baby A

fragile and small,

serious and full of light.

First to come home, to walk, to speak.

preemie

McKenna, 3 months old, a few days from her actual due date.

Now you are beauty and health,

hot pink nails and dainty tip toes.

You are never last, for anything.

farm

McKenna, 3 1/2

——————-

Then you were Baby B.

You were tiny and quick,

your size, no obstacle.

Determination and strength brought you finally home.

Parker 3 months old, barely passed his original due date.

Now you are morning hugs and spilled milk,

sweet I love you’s and perfect couch dives.

Your small little stature, perfect for speed.

riding bike

Parker, 3 1/2

———————

Then you were unexpected blessings,

small but strong,

kissed and loved by all kinds of little faces.

You stretched our hearts to limitless bounds.

sawyer

Sawyer, 11 months old

Now you are still baby

but all boy,

cheesy grins and extra stories at bedtime.

Your perfect little self, always shining the light.

sawyer smile

Sawyer, 2 years old

——————

Then you were Baby C.

The first I touched,

the first we held,

the life we lost.

nicu

Hadley 2 days old

Now you are rainbows on dreary days,

and the pause between my words.

You are teary smiles and

bubbly little girls.

That empty space

where there should be one more picture.

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Comments

  2. JD @ Honest Mom says

    It was lovely to spend a little time with you at the Urban Sitters dinner at BlogHer. 🙂 When we met, I knew I had heard of your blog and read some posts, but didn’t know the backstory. This is a beautiful post. I am so sorry for your loss. All your children are beautiful – and I love your writing. Have a great weekend…

  3. Poppy says

    Glad to see P doesn’t wear princess dresses when he rides his bike, they tend to get caught in the spokes. Don’t ask me how I know.

  5. Erin Margolin says

    this took my breath away, jessica. you always manage to silence all the noise around me when i’m reading.

    precious photos.

    Love.

  6. Truthful Mommy says

    Your words transcend space, land on my heart and resonante. You, my friend, are so stoic and such an amazing mother ad writer. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby but can see that they are always with you in your heart and on your mind. SUch a beautiful, touching post.

  8. Ashley says

    Oh my, you certainly took my breath away. You have a way with beautiful words- there should be a tissue warning on some of your posts. Amazing.

    • Jessica says

      Sorry for forgetting the tissue warning. Thanks so much for reading Ashley, this post means so much to me.

  11. Annie @ Mama Dweeb says

    A very touching post, had me riveted to my screen the entire time. Took my breath away. Thank you for sharing your heart with us, I know it means a lot to other mothers that have experienced the same thing.

  12. Nichole says

    You make the most beautiful babies, Jessica.
    I can see that even through these tears.

    I am ever in awe of you, Jessica, and I am so blessed to call you my friend.

  15. Charlotte says

    Goosebumps. There’s really not much more I can add except that I’m really overwhelmed with emotion right now. My heart surges for your beautiful children and aches for your loss. What a talented writer you are. *HUGS*

    • Jessica says

      Thanks so much Charlotte, this post was really emotionally overwhelming for me too. I think it will always be one of my favorites and I hope one day my children love it too.

  21. julie gardner says

    “The pause between my words…”
    That’s when the lump in my throat became official.

    I’m not a crier, but I am someone in awe of your strength.
    And beauty. And legacy.

    You are the perfect mother for each one of these children.
    But you knew that already…

    XO

  23. Amanda says

    This is beautiful, touching and heartbreaking at the same time. Your children are all just gorgeous, even your sweet angel baby.

  25. Elena @NaynaDub says

    I don’t know what to say that hasn’t already been said in the comments. So beautiful. So speechless. Hugs to you always and to all your beautiful babies.

  26. Leighann says

    The pictures of your children brought huge smiles to my face.
    Seeing your oldest, who is so determined, independent and empathetic – so smiley from the start.
    Your middles so perfectly different but beautifully similar. I wanted to reach through the computer and kiss their little baby faces.
    And your baby. So much a big boy but always mommy’s baby.
    Then.
    Your little girl.
    My heart aches.
    And then I thought maybe there’s a reason for all of these meme’s, linky’s and posts.
    So that we always remember.
    And so we can love her too.

  39. angela says

    They are all so very beautiful, your children and your descriptions of them. It is so very clear that all five of them are your heart.

  42. Barbara says

    All 5 of your babies are adorable and special! Your words about them are so precious!

  44. dysfunctional mom says

    Oh wow, what a beautiful post. Your babies were beautiful, all of them!

    • Jessica says

      So glad we\’ve connected. We will just keep pulling each other through. You will be able to do it one day.

  47. Tonya says

    Beautiful.

    Each and every one of your children and your descriptions of them.

    Hugs to you. xoxo

  50. Rusti says

    beautiful babies… beautiful children… beautiful words of love & loss… you are full of beauty Jessica, and you bring tears to my eyes.

  52. Erin says

    Seriously Jessica you always make me tear up, and remember all my special angels that I never got to meet in that way! She was so much more than Baby C and I can read that in your words! That pic that you are missing is so well imbedded in your heart, and I thank you for letting us see that pic in your words!

  54. Amanda M. says

    Wow, that was beautiful! It took my breath away. Not only is it a wonderful thing for all of us to see, but it is a wonderful memory for each of your kids. So beautiful!

    • Jessica says

      Was thinking that as I wrote it, that I hope some day this is a post they cherish.

  57. Kimberly says

    Your words, your children, and you… So beautiful. You’ve brought tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. {{hugs}}

  58. Carri says

    You are so brave for writing this. Thank you for sharing. It must be so tough to bury a child. HUGS

  59. jenny says

    they are all so very beautiful…
    your grace and strength continue to amaze me. couldn’t get through to the end without tears.

  60. Stephanie says

    Seriously, you are most likely to make me cry! Like always, an absolutely beautiful post. And such great pictures 🙂

  61. Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation says

    You my friend have a way with words. I have tears as I look at your beautiful babies and read your beautiful words.

    {{{HUGS}}}
    xoxo

  62. Jayme says

    OMG Ashlyn’s baby pic- ADORABLE! That grin is to die for.

    All your babies are so sweet, Jessica!