I used to think that my parenting depended on the baby books I read.
Whether I rocked my children to sleep or gave them vegetables with every meal would depend on an extensive amount of mommy-research.
But really? The mother I am has nothing to do with the books I have or haven’t read.
Layers of life have shaped me into the parent I am.
There is the layer that felt loved and accepted at home that claps and cheers when my children show exactly who they are.
The layer that grew up too self-conscious for my own skin, and pours on the compliments in hopes they love themselves.
The layer that has always buried myself in paper and books, that will forever capture life with a keyboard and never say no to a bedtime story request.
The layer that spent years as a single mom, who feels an extra nudge of confidence that I can do anything, but adores having someone who can take over bath time and whisk away bad dreams and give me the bigger closet.
The layer that dizzied as the word “autism” buzzed through the doctor’s office, who checks off milestones with vigilance and steadies with relief as they are met.
The layer that watched helplessly through a NICU window as my preemies cried, who flinches when tears flow for too long.
And then there is the layer that said goodbye to my daughter. The layer that, in all truth, struggles through birthdays and holidays and avoids family pictures because of the empty space. The layer I worry will leave a stain of tears on my childrens’ memories.
I can only hope my children will look back and remember this part of their mom as smiles through tears, all-you-can-handle hugs and kisses and an intense appreciation for their lives,
all wrapped in one unbreakable layer.
The first time I held Parker against my skin. He was yet to even hit two pounds.
What “layer” of your life most influences who you are today?
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Just beautiful.
This is beautiful. It is the layers that make us the mothers we are.
This is beautiful, and so true. Probably the layer that shaped me the most, was losing my fiance four days before our wedding. It changed me in numerous ways. It made me appreciate the gift of time. It definitely shaped me as a mother also.
This is so beautiful. Yes, there are so many layers to us. All moms. All women. So many that people don’t even see because we’re afraid to peel them off like an onion.
I am still amazed at how my two sons personalities are developing and how different they are. Those layers start young.
To have been through all that you have and come out the other side able to express the journey not only with eloquent beauty but with such gratitude is amazing.
Your children are blessed to have you as their mother. I imagine that is why Hadley, though she knew her time on earth was to be short, chose you.
As to which layer most influences me? My goodness, there are so very many. Like you, each layer informs my parenting choices. Unfortunately, the exhaustion layer sometimes impacts more than I would like…. 🙂
Oh what an amazing comment, I could read this over and over. I can\’t thank you enough for your words.
I’m speechless. Just speechless. If you know me at all, that is a hard thing to do!
You’re strength is awe inspiring.
Just beautiful. You are a beautiful writer. This really melted my heart.
Thanks so much NIcole.
What s beautiful post!! I understand on many levels. From what I read you are an amazing mom! You are such a sweet person. This wss written so well. Hugs mama
Dear Jessica,
Thank you for the reminders of who we were, who we became, and who we are yet to be. The rings of a tree each tell a story about the past, those rings not unlike our layers. Our layers are shaped by the mistakes and successes of our parents.
Our layers are shaped by our love, tears of sadness, tears of joy, questioning our decisions, did we do right, and often I knew I hadn’t but I vowed to do better daily.
At the end of the day as I tucked the little ones God had given me, I knew I had done my best and so had they. They were amazing little people, each so different from the others. They have grown strong, each shaped by their own layers and lots of love.
You post is so beautiful. It makes me think and be thankful.
This is a really touching post. I also like the image of the “layers” of motherhood. Sadly, it has been layers upon my childhood that have affected my motherhood the most. Those layers kept motherhood (& marriage) at bay for fear of an inability to step away from childhood and forge a different path for myself and a family I might create.
Everything affects us on some level.
I don’t quite know how to answer that…but I know that this is simply beautiful.
Thank you so much. xo
Oh, Jessica. You have such an incredible appreciation for the lives of all of your children and a love for each of them that is so deeply rooted.
You take nothing for granted and that’s a gift you give your children.
All of your sweet babies (no matter their age) are so very lucky to have you as their mother.
Every single layer of you.
Aw, Jessica, so beautiful. When your children grow up and look back, they’ll be amazed at how strong of a woman you were/are, and what an amazing childhood you gave them! 🙂
I hope so, thank you Jen.
My biggest layers are self-doubt (that I’m doing it wrong) and guilt (that my son is missing out because I’m not with him 24/7). I feel like both those things can make me overcompensate and hug harder and longer and be more patient..which are all good things.
I loved this one. Sweet and poignant.
Layers, that’s such a beautiful way to describe the experiences, feelings, phases, fleeting moments. That what life is. I honestly don’t know if I can pinpoint one layer that most affected me. Motherhood probably. It’s been the biggest change with the highest highs and lowest lows. The love I didn’t know existed. I’m certain this layer has changed me for the better.
Best wishes to you.
Amazing post. Just beautiful. Everyone has so many layers to them, wrap them all up and it is the sum of who they are. My most defining layer right now would be mom…in fact…it will undoubtedly be my most defining layer of my life.
Layers, a wonderful way to look at our lives.
Much like trees when we count the rings to see the years of the life they had. Each layer we have, builds us to the next.
Each one shaping the person we are becoming … as the expression goes, you are shaping up rather well 😉
Beautiful words Jessica, tears today …
When I come to your blog, I am either going to laugh my head off or cry my eyes out…today I’m crying.
This just popped in my head and thought it might bring you some comfort…
My grandmother lost her oldest child when he was 3. She went on to have 7 other children. The oldest of those 7 remembers some times seeing her mom cry over the lost child. Remembers some of the heartache. Remembers the pictures of him being put away. Remembers the sadness behind my grandmother’s eyes. But none of the 7 children feel that it scarred their childhood. They all felt loved and cherished. At family reunions you can’t shut them up about their childhood and growing up in that family.
You’re a wonderful mom. You’re doing an awesome job.
I can\’t thank you enough for sharing this with me Jaime. I always want my children to know about their sister, she is part of our family, whether she is here or not. I just hope the good times always out weigh the bad.
Wow, this is incredible – stunning words.
I would say the layer that influences me most today is that one that thought I would/could never be a good mom. I hope I’m proving her wrong!
Beautiful words. And all of our experiences do trickle into who we are as mothers, yes. No denying it. You expressed that so well in this post.
I just started reading your blog this week. You write & share so beautifully. I can relate on many different levels. I’m so glad I found your blog. Thank you for touching my heart.
So glad you found me too Monica. Truly appreciate you taking the time to read.
You are seriously one of the most beautiful and eloquent and genuine writers around, girl.
Just wow.
Oh my gosh Shell, such an amazing compliment. Thank you, you just made my day.
This is so rich. I’m so happy you are surrounded by love and family.
I have a friend, whose daughter is only a month older than mine, who lives and breathes by baby books. I feel like she tries to make parenthood an exact science, when it’s anything but. It’s a learning process – 75% winging it, 25% learning from your mistakes. (OK, maybe make that 50/50.)
But I agree with you – it’s the layers of our lives that shape us as parents. What we feel our own parents did right… and maybe also felt that could have done better. Our own self-perception and the way it shaped us. How we view the world today. It’s all part of that learning process called parenthood. And that’s something the baby books can’t teach us.
Jess, you are a quiet force. And your posts the last few weeks have just been knocking them out of the park! So beautifully written. So haunting.
And as for our layers, well, some of mine are more attractive than others. Some are more private than others. But all of the layers, even the aching, grieving ones, make us whole. So I”m ok if my kids see my grief because it’s a layer I visit. It’s not where I live. And that’s what I want for them, too.
I try really hard not to live there Ryan, some days I think I do but generally I\’m just \”visiting\” and I hope that is what they see. Thank you for your support, as always.
Oh dear friend. So much grace you have. ..and so much strength.
Your words are always so true, so honest and touching. I believe our life is a just layer after layer of moments that shape us, change us, better us and make us swear WE will do things differently than the memories of things we wish we could do over.
Even as I think about the ways my mom disappointed me in mothering , there are other moments where when I look back , if I can be the kind of mother she was, if I can give love to my children in the ways they need it most I will always feel successful. I can say “I won’t yell, I won’t spank, I won’t …” But the truth is I will, I’m human. The things I can do like teach forgiveness and practice patience are the layers they will remember.
This really touched my heart, you are a shining, wonderful example of motherhood. Xo
I think so too Kir, we are all a product of our life experiences and we can just keep trying to make each day better for our own kids from all that we have learned.
You are an amazing and incredibly strong person. This post brought me to tears, you have survived so much and you’ve done it with such grace.
I am always so amazed at your strength and courage. This was beautiful, as always. xo
Love how beautifully and eloquently you describe motherhood here.
I think the layer that I try to keep the most prominent is the one responsible for creating confidence and self-esteem in my children. I grew up with a mother who didn’t always love herself, and that ended up reflecting on my sister and me. I never want that for my kids.
Jessica…your words. Each and every time. Love.
Simply beautiful. I love your layers!
Ah, Jessica… such a beautiful post. I’m moved to tears. I just have to tell you that you are amazing. I don’t know how I could have gone on after losing a child–I guess you just do–but you’ve done it with such grace. You are truly an inspiration.
Truly appreciate your kind words, thank you.
wow.
this was stunning. you are an amazing woman, an amazing mother, and an amazing writer. Galit was right in her RT, this took my breath away.
Thank you so much Jenna.
Just…lovely.
I have so much behind that, but for now? I need you to know this is so, so lovely.
This is such a perfect post. It sums up so much of what I’ve learned about your experiences–the amazing beauty, the heartbreak, the challenges. You are truly a multi-layered mother. And what a wonderful job you are doing.
Oh my gosh Jess. I love this photo and this post. AMAZING!
This was beautiful and a good reminder that we are slowly building up who we are as mothers. Having children adds so many more dimensions to us.
You take my breath away.
I can absolute relate to your “paper” layer and your self-conscious layer. I hope, so much, that Abbey & Dylan can escape the feelings of insecurity that (still) plague me.
It is not really my place to say this, perhaps, but I don’t see how missing and remembering Hadley could ever have a negative effect on the rest of your kids, even if there are tears and sadness involved. My mom lost her sister at a young age, and I think it hurt more to not talk about it very much.
Angela, this is such a thoughtful comment. I hope that my children grow up to appreciate the way we have shared the emotions of what has happened.
I truly truly loved this. It was absolutely beautiful. My layer is both insecurity and always trying to build my children up and adventure. I want my kids to have the same sense of adventure I do.
Oh you and your gorgeous words, gorgeous heart.
I have chills.
You are amazing.
XO
This is truly amazing! I am influenced by the desire to raise my son with love spoken and affection given.
This was AN AMAZING post Jessica.
The layer of life that influences me the most… hmmmm… I love my husband. I love my children. But the layer that I still feels influences me the most – is the time I got to spend before them all – traveling abroad. I feel so lucky to have been able to see some of the world – and even more lucky as I realize how hard that would be for me to accomplish today (between 3 kids, work, husband and just life in general)
I am always so amazed by your grace and strength, Jessica. And this post is no different.
Aww, thanks so much Krista.