Long limbs stretch the length of my lap, auburn curls linger at my cheek. The melody of our rock lulls her sleep and I inhale her weight, her warmth.
Melting to her, our lines begin to blur. I soak in the life I have missed and vow to never leave this space.
As we sway, a pinch of consciousness tells me I cannot continue.
Fighting the urge to drown in our rhythm, I press my back to the worn rocker and lift us.
I settle her into a space that has always been and lay my palm at her back. Memorizing the rise and the fall and the peace, I move away.
˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜
The clock is as I remember, the wall is not. A mocking beep swirls, voices echo, my chest burns.
I cannot swallow. Frozen, I cry with no sound.
Hot tears of recognition flow as I piece together where I have been and where I am now.
My eyes reluctantly focus. Tubes protest my head’s attempt to turn.
I see him again, for the first time. Hospital tape suspends his picture to my bed rail. How many hours has he lived without me?
Expectant faces watch a monitor for signs that I can sustain myself.
I can.
New life is waiting.
The picture taped to my bed, in Intensive Care.
I was never ready to share this until now, when I read this prompt, and knew I could do it:
Write about a season of change for your character or you. It can be literal or metaphorical.
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WOW. Girl, you are AMAZING. This made me cry. I am so happy you found the strength to share this, such a brave move.
Love & light to you!
xo.
Thank you so much Tahnie, this was hard to write but something I needed to put into words.
Tears. I have tears. Beautiful, beautiful story…
This is so poetic, but I wish I understood it better. I don’t know the story behind it. (Of course graphic descriptions would make it less poetic).
My delivery with my youngest was life threatening and during the time I was unconscious I had a very vivid dream/experience of holding my daughter who passed away.
I read it twice too. Wow.
WOW Jess. You had me on the edge of the couch. Beautifully written. I love reading your post. You are so beautiful. Thanks for sharing yourself with us.
This is stunningly beautiful and so poignant.
Thank you so much for having the bravery to share.
I can’t begin to imagine…
Thank you so much, it was difficult to revisit and write but I\’m glad that I finally put it into words.
There are just no words to express the gift you are to us. How you make us appreciate life more. How you help us honor those spirits in our lives. And how your words help us, however briefly, the feel another person’s soul.
You humble me.
I could not ask for a better compliment Nancy. Writing is healing for me and to think that it helps others in anyway is more than I could ask for.
I am so very, very proud of you for sharing this, Jessica. It was beautifully written, but what was most striking was how vulnerable you allowed yourself to be by writing this.
Much love to you.. xo
Thank you Cheryl. I have started to write this piece many times but could never \”go there.\” As soon as I read your prompt for Friday I knew that I needed to do it. It was hard to go through the motions of it all again but something I needed to do. I can\’t thank you enough for the community you have built at WoE.
There really are no words for this…so I’m sending you GIANT HUGS XO
Thank you so much Jen, after writing this one I need one. xo
Wow, this is powerful. It brings back such an image of the days I spent in the PICU with my daughter when she was on a ventilator as a baby.
Oh the PICU, such an awful place to have to be as a parent. I am sorry that you have been there.
Beautifully written and shared. Bless you and yours as you travel and grow.
Absolutely powerful & beautifully written. I had chills reading this and tears streaming down my cheek. So glad I came across this post. xo
Your writing is incredible. This post is heartbreaking and beautifully written. I felt like I could almost reach out and hug you. I wish I could.
xoxo
I have read this 5 or 6 times now because I can’t stop myself from wanting to feel it with you again. The sadness, fatigue, hope, emotion. Life. Thank you for sharing.
Jess, this was beautiful. Your strength astounds me.
Oh Jessica….this was so powerful and emotional, I had to read it twice. More slowly the second time, really taking in your descriptions and feelings. So hard for you to share, I am sure.
But what a journey you’ve been on. And thank you for trusting us all to share your words with.
Much love to you…
Thank you Sherri, honestly I was afraid to share the fact that I had been through even more drama that I had never blogged about. I appreciate what I have learned from the journey but am hoping the years to come are much less eventful.
Wow…just wow. Your writing knocks me off of my feet every time I read it.
Truly amazing…
Beautiful post. I felt like I was right there with you!
i find sharing my pain healing. I pray this was healing for you. It is so honest and beautiful. Thank you for being courageous.
Absolutely, something I have been holding onto for years. Thank you for reading.
What fragile writing! I felt as if I was holding a piece of exquisite crystal that could shatter at any moment. Beautiful.
And I hated those damned tubes and wires and alarms, too.
Thank you so much. Those tubes are awful aren\’t they?
Oh Jessica…I’ve said this before, but your writing is so amazingly powerful.
Thank you for sharing this, I know you said it was hard for you. I’m just in awe!
It’s always hardest to touch our own deepest hurts. But here is great bravery, too.
Lovely.
So beautiful and powerful.
I just had to explain to my daughter why I was crying. Thank you so much beautiful Jessica for sharing this moment with us.
So sorry for the tears Elena.
Because I know what each & every word meant, I cannot read it again and I am way beyond kleenex…
This is so tender and beautiful. You are so wonderful with words, Jessica. Thank you, ever so much for opening your heart this way and sharing this with us.
Such beautiful writing to describe such a tough memory. Your courage and strength shows through in your words. Thank you for sharing this piece of yourself, as well as your exceptional talent.
Oh my. Just Oh. My. What a powerful post. I read it twice and it gave me chills both times.
I just read it 4 times because it’s so beautiful and I wanted to make sure I took it all in, word for word. Thank you for trusting us and sharing your heart and feelings and these moments with us here. xo
This is just so moving…. I have no words. But know that I think it is incredibly powerful and so very moving. What a unique gift you have. XOOX
Thanks so much Charlotte.
I can’t explain the feelings your words put into my chest. I read it three times and each time the feeling got more intense. Beautifully written. Beautifully strong.
Wow, thank you so much for such an amazing compliment.
Beautiful and profound….thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts and your precious photo.
I’m sure it will bring many comfort.
love
Diana x
I hope sharing this and seeing the responses can give you the strength you need.
This was beautiful.
Beautiful. Breathtaking. So precious. So touching. Thank you for sharing. My heart is full after reading.
Oh, the pain can be felt. Like an aching.
This is heart wrenching and beautiful at the same time. I’m sure this moment was difficult to share, but I’m glad you did.
not a single word wasted. you have such a gift. thank you for sharing this slice of your life with us. i know it wasn’t easy.
love & hugs
I have started to write this so many times but it was too hard to \”go there.\” Your compliment means so much.
Like Leighann I read it twice. such an important powerful story and I am so glad you shared it with all of us.
Wow. Chilling Jessica.
I read it twice.
You took me right there with you.
So powerful
These memories that you have stored inside, they make up the moments that become you in each and every day. You are a remarkable young woman, and we are truly blessed to have you here sharing those moments that have made you the treasure that you are.
Thanks so much Nicole, I hesitated sharing this but it was time.
Oh sweet friend. Gorgeous, heart breaking, important. Thank you for writing your heart. It is a lovely place to visit.
This was beautifully written.
I don’t even know what to say and have tears in my eyes right now.
Thanks for sharing..may God give you strength…whenever you need it.
Your writing is so amazing. A gift. I love you for this.
such a beautiful account. thank you so much for sharing it with such vivid imagery that we, too, could feel what it was to be there.
After.I was awed and amazed by your writing I was transported and I swear I felt every moment with you . Thank you for trusting us enough to share this memory with us, this was so beautiful I am in tears. Love u Jessica!
Thanks so much Kir, fragile memories to share but I am glad that I did.
You write exquisitely. I’m speechless.
I know this was difficult for you to write, but it is heart-wrenchingly perfect. You did more than write about a memory here; you transported us there, to the quiet comfort of your before and the aching strength you find in the after. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
I was in tears. Thank you so much for sharing this. As always, it is a beautiful post!
I felt like I was right there in the room with you. Beautiful, beautiful post. And now I need Kleenex…
Oh…..so beautifully written. I wish you peaceful days and soft memories. You are in my heart.
What a vivid memory – You drew me in so deeply I felt as if I was watching from above. Thank you for sharing your joy & your pain. Loved this so much.
Wow. This was beautiful. So very tender and heart breaking. I was right there with you.
Yes, writing.
Writing as healing.
xo
Love you, woman.
I knew you could do it too, knowing even so little about you. it’s beautiful and I am crying. The writing is wonderful and full of thought. I’m so honored and happy you shared this. Writing truly does help us sort out the inexplicable. I think. I hope. I hope you are finding that.
Your talent knows no bounds, Jessica.
You pulled me in…made me feel what it means to be you…for just a moment.
Much love to you…so much love.
Thank you so much Nichole, this was a tough one for me but something I needed to write about and I truly appreciate your prompts and what they are able to help me put into words.
Thank you Alison, I am so glad you always comment soon after I post because this post was hard to share and seeing your response was a huge sigh of relief. (Sorry for the tears)
Wow that gave me chills. Don’t even know what to say. Thank you for sharing
Thanks so much for reading Emmy. Tough post to share but an experience I have always wanted to write about.