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Four Plus an Angel by Jessica Watson

Life after loss with autism, preemies and a rainbow baby

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This Is Grief

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Lifting my eyes to the sun, I blink the world quiet.

Ribboning waves thread to sands of silk.

Golden rays and the tickle of giggles brush me with warmth.

This is perfection.

But this is grief.

Grief is standing in the most beautiful place you have ever known,

walking as close to heaven as you are far.

Picturing the rise and the fall of breath you can’t feel across your cheek.

Sensing the weight of a head of curls that will never brush your shoulder.

Reaching for a hand that should fit perfectly in yours but never will

and listening for a heartbeat that stopped long ago.

Grief is anchored in an air full of longing

and lost dreams

and missed birthdays.

Grief is the pull of waves that keeps you from dancing on the shore.

kids on lake michigan It is October, just days from what should be Hadley’s 4th birthday and several more days from when we said our goodbyes. My heart is heavy and yes, this is your tissue warning for the next few weeks.

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  1. My Inner Chick says

    —Jessica,
    I must have missed your comment on my blog. Sorry.

    My heart if heavy & I feel your pain.

    I honestly do not believe I will ever be the same person I once was before my sister was murdered. I feel so much less w/ out her.

    Thinking of you today. x

    Love Love Love.

  4. Robin @ Farewell, Stranger says

    Tissues on standby and ready to hold your hand. I’m sorry for your grief, but I’m grateful you share it with us. I hope it lightens your load, even just a little.

  5. Charlotte says

    Thanks for the tissue warning… I stand at the ready. This was, as always, incredibly beautiful. My thoughts are with you this week and am sending strength, comfort, and courage your way, momma. XOXO

    • Jessica says

      Thank you so much Charlotte, I\’m sort of blogging my way through it and the support of all of you is incredible. Truly appreciate you.

  7. Kelly says

    Franchesca did share and I am so glad she did! WOW is all I can say, you capture it so perfectly. I’m so sorry your sweet Hadley isn’t here on earth with you…sad as it is, she has plenty of friends to play with in heaven…one being my little girl who would be 2 and a half.

    • Jessica says

      So good to meet you Kelly, although I\’m sorry we have such sadness in common. I\’m glad our little girls are together.

  8. Elena says

    We’re all here to listen and send you a big hug. I’d love to even give you one in person. 🙂

  9. Franchesca says

    Oh my word Jessica, you could not have described grief better. It is perfect. Grief is a beautiful place, but what a bitter way to feel so close to Heaven. Thank you for sharing this. I think I might just share this post on facebook tomorrow. I know so many would be blessed by it. xxxx

    • Jessica says

      Thank so much Franchesca, would love it if you share. I tried to find the words to describe that emptiness that just can\’t be filled. It hit me so hard as we stood on that beach. I felt so close to her and so far from her at the same time.

  12. Krista says

    oh honey. of course your heart is heavy. I wish I had the right words for you, but know that I’m here. I’m reading. I’m thinking of you.

  13. Tiara says

    Why is it that we begin to feel it right before the anniversaries and birthdays? On October 22 it will be two years since my brother passed and I already feel it… I hear it in my mother’s voice… it’s like we are all aching. I guess it’s just time to sit with it but not drown in it… my tissues are ready. My arms are streched from my place in the Midatlantic… you are not alone.

    • Jessica says

      Couldn\’t agree with you more. It is like the world takes on a different tone for a while. So sorry that you are living life without your brother.

  17. Tameka Downing says

    You are definitely in my prayers tomorrow as you remember your angel. I know the grief you feel as I will be remembering my angel later this month on the day he passed.

  20. The Anecdotal Baby says

    Hugs from across the blogosphere… There is nothing I can say to take away your grief, but know there are friends around the web who care for you. Keeping you in my thoughts!

  21. Jessica says

    Beautiful words for such a sensitive subject. My heart goes out to you and your family during this time.

    • Jessica says

      Thanks. They really don\’t, sometimes I think I should be doing \”better\” but with every reminder I am brought right back to the way things should be.

  26. Kristin @ What She Said says

    I’m sorry that a time that should bring you joy instead brings so much pain. Writing is cathartic – keep doing it. We’ll be here with the tissues.

  28. Jackie says

    There is nothing that I can say to make this easier for you. So I won’t.

    Just know that we are all here for you. Tissues in hand.

  29. angela says

    I am so sorry and sending you thoughts and prayers. We are here; there are plenty of tissues to go around, and I wish I could do something more. But I am here, listening. xoxo

  30. Veronica Raz says

    Such beautiful words that depict how sad our loss is, and that it’s something we cannot just “forget”. Yes, we move on because we have to, but we always are humbled time and time again. Everytime I step into a beach, regardless of where it’s located, I am always reminded of Andrew. Somehow, the peacefullness of the water, sky, and sunset, bring me hope and faith, in that they are rejoicing in Heaven. Only a parent, who has experienced this, will understand. Every one else can only imagine it.

  31. Diana Doyle says

    Jessica,

    You’ve captured that lonesome longing feeling of grief perfectly in your words…thanks for sharing.

    Birthdays are one of the hardest, the wondering and the missing out on ALL that should be.

    I will keep you in my thoughts with love

    Diana x

  32. Jocelyn says

    Oh, Jessica, I am so very very sorry. I cannot even imagine the pain of your loss, and especially how heavy this time must be each year. We’re all here for you if you need us, and I’ll have a crate of Kleenex ready.

  34. Tina says

    That was beautiful. You can have al the tissue moments you need! My daughter woud have been eight in December; I completely understand.

  42. Sherri says

    Oh Jessica…beautiful words, as always but these feelings are still so raw. And you just write about them and try to let the words flow.

    We will have plenty of tissues.

    Hugs to you, my friend…

  44. story says

    Sending love. You create such beauty from your grief, and I know that that is little comfort, but it is such a gift to the world.

  49. Kir says

    My heart is heavy with yours…and my prayers and hugs are traveling to you to comfort you . Your words were so raw and beautiful, the tears in my eyes match the ache in my heart for you today. Xoxo

  50. Alanna says

    My heart breaks for you. This is a pain no one should ever have to feel. You are in my thoughts.

  51. Ann says

    Awww, I wish I had the right words, but we both know I don’t. Just know you’re in my heart and I’m thinking of you…

  57. Brittany says

    Your words are beautiful and my heart aches for you. I understand the longing for that little hand in yours. Much love!

  60. Stephanie says

    Your words are so perfect. Thank you for sharing them. I haven’t reached that 4 year mark, but I feel the same way. Thinking of you this week!