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You are here: Home / Grief / This Is Grief

This Is Grief

By Jessica

Lifting my eyes to the sun, I blink the world quiet.

Ribboning waves thread to sands of silk.

Golden rays and the tickle of giggles brush me with warmth.

This is perfection.

But this is grief.

Grief is standing in the most beautiful place you have ever known,

walking as close to heaven as you are far.

Picturing the rise and the fall of breath you can’t feel across your cheek.

Sensing the weight of a head of curls that will never brush your shoulder.

Reaching for a hand that should fit perfectly in yours but never will

and listening for a heartbeat that stopped long ago.

Grief is anchored in an air full of longing

and lost dreams

and missed birthdays.

Grief is the pull of waves that keeps you from dancing on the shore.

kids on lake michigan It is October, just days from what should be Hadley’s 4th birthday and several more days from when we said our goodbyes. My heart is heavy and yes, this is your tissue warning for the next few weeks.

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  1. My Inner Chick says

    October 16, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    —Jessica,
    I must have missed your comment on my blog. Sorry.

    My heart if heavy & I feel your pain.

    I honestly do not believe I will ever be the same person I once was before my sister was murdered. I feel so much less w/ out her.

    Thinking of you today. x

    Love Love Love.

  2. julie gardner says

    October 11, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    Taking this in today…
    For you. For Hadley.

    Honoring her.
    And sending love your way.

  3. Lady Jennie says

    October 8, 2011 at 9:04 am

    This is poetical and very very sad.

    Thinking of you.

  4. Robin @ Farewell, Stranger says

    October 6, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    Tissues on standby and ready to hold your hand. I’m sorry for your grief, but I’m grateful you share it with us. I hope it lightens your load, even just a little.

    • Jessica says

      October 7, 2011 at 7:17 am

      Thank you so much Robin.

  5. Charlotte says

    October 6, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Thanks for the tissue warning… I stand at the ready. This was, as always, incredibly beautiful. My thoughts are with you this week and am sending strength, comfort, and courage your way, momma. XOXO

    • Jessica says

      October 6, 2011 at 4:48 pm

      Thank you so much Charlotte, I\’m sort of blogging my way through it and the support of all of you is incredible. Truly appreciate you.

  6. Marta says

    October 6, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    So much love. So much.

  7. Kelly says

    October 5, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    Franchesca did share and I am so glad she did! WOW is all I can say, you capture it so perfectly. I’m so sorry your sweet Hadley isn’t here on earth with you…sad as it is, she has plenty of friends to play with in heaven…one being my little girl who would be 2 and a half.

    • Jessica says

      October 5, 2011 at 4:05 pm

      So good to meet you Kelly, although I\’m sorry we have such sadness in common. I\’m glad our little girls are together.

  8. Elena says

    October 5, 2011 at 7:25 am

    We’re all here to listen and send you a big hug. I’d love to even give you one in person. 🙂

    • Jessica says

      October 5, 2011 at 12:55 pm

      Thanks so much Elena, truly.

  9. Franchesca says

    October 5, 2011 at 2:04 am

    Oh my word Jessica, you could not have described grief better. It is perfect. Grief is a beautiful place, but what a bitter way to feel so close to Heaven. Thank you for sharing this. I think I might just share this post on facebook tomorrow. I know so many would be blessed by it. xxxx

    • Jessica says

      October 5, 2011 at 12:57 pm

      Thank so much Franchesca, would love it if you share. I tried to find the words to describe that emptiness that just can\’t be filled. It hit me so hard as we stood on that beach. I felt so close to her and so far from her at the same time.

  10. A Mother's Thoughts says

    October 4, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    My thoughts are with you. What a beautiful piece of writing. Your inner thoughts so sincere. Hugs.

    Lynn

  11. Leighann says

    October 4, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    Know that I am thinking of you and that you are surrounded by love.

    You are not alone.

    • Jessica says

      October 4, 2011 at 9:33 pm

      Thank you so much Leighann, I appreciate your friendship more than you know.

  12. Megan (Best of Fates) says

    October 4, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Sending you thoughts of love and peace.

    • Jessica says

      October 4, 2011 at 4:42 pm

      Thanks so much Megan.

  13. Krista says

    October 4, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    oh honey. of course your heart is heavy. I wish I had the right words for you, but know that I’m here. I’m reading. I’m thinking of you.

    • Jessica says

      October 4, 2011 at 12:37 pm

      Thank you so much Krista, truly appreciate it.

  14. Tiara says

    October 4, 2011 at 11:22 am

    Why is it that we begin to feel it right before the anniversaries and birthdays? On October 22 it will be two years since my brother passed and I already feel it… I hear it in my mother’s voice… it’s like we are all aching. I guess it’s just time to sit with it but not drown in it… my tissues are ready. My arms are streched from my place in the Midatlantic… you are not alone.

    • Jessica says

      October 4, 2011 at 12:38 pm

      Couldn\’t agree with you more. It is like the world takes on a different tone for a while. So sorry that you are living life without your brother.

  15. Tracie says

    October 4, 2011 at 2:48 am

    I am sending love to you and your family. So much love. And prayers.

    • Jessica says

      October 4, 2011 at 10:58 am

      Truly appreciate it Tracie.

  16. Hopes@Staying Afloat! says

    October 4, 2011 at 1:12 am

    This post made a lump swell in my throat.

    My thoughts are with you and your family during this time of remembrance.

    Nothing but huge (((HUGS))) for you my friend.

    • Jessica says

      October 4, 2011 at 10:57 am

      Thank you so much, truly appreciate your thoughts.

  17. Nicole @MTDLBlog says

    October 3, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    Beautifully written Jessica. Big hugs to you and sending you good wishes for strength as you see your way through this time.

    • Jessica says

      October 4, 2011 at 10:58 am

      Thank you Nicole, I could definitely use a little extra strength. 😉

  18. Tameka Downing says

    October 3, 2011 at 10:25 pm

    You are definitely in my prayers tomorrow as you remember your angel. I know the grief you feel as I will be remembering my angel later this month on the day he passed.

    • Jessica says

      October 4, 2011 at 10:59 am

      Thank you Tameka, what date did your baby pass? Hadley was on the 11th.

      • Tameka Downing says

        October 4, 2011 at 4:40 pm

        The 28th which is also my brother’s birthday.

        • Jessica says

          October 4, 2011 at 4:41 pm

          I am so sorry, will be thinking of you all month, especially on the 28th.

  19. NotJustAnotherJennifer says

    October 3, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    Oh honey, my heart aches for you. Love you.

    • Jessica says

      October 4, 2011 at 10:59 am

      Thank you Jen, much love to you too.

  20. Rach (DonutsMama) says

    October 3, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    I’m so very sorry that this is an even harder time for you. Hugs.

  21. The Anecdotal Baby says

    October 3, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    Hugs from across the blogosphere… There is nothing I can say to take away your grief, but know there are friends around the web who care for you. Keeping you in my thoughts!

    • Jessica says

      October 3, 2011 at 10:02 pm

      Your support means so much, thank you.

  22. Jessica says

    October 3, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    Beautiful words for such a sensitive subject. My heart goes out to you and your family during this time.

  23. Alex@LateEnough says

    October 3, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    {hugs}
    And no warnings necessary because I am glad that you talk about your sweet Hadley, and I don’t think you should (or need to) stop.

  24. Tonya says

    October 3, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    Sending much love, light and peace your way. xoxo

    October is a difficult month for me too.

    • Jessica says

      October 3, 2011 at 10:03 pm

      Will be thinking of you too Tonya, here whenever you need me.

  25. Lucy says

    October 3, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    You use as many tissues as you need, girlfriend. ♥

  26. Lizbeth says

    October 3, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    The anniversaries never get any easier even as time progresses. I’m right there with you. Hugs.

    • Jessica says

      October 3, 2011 at 4:57 pm

      Thanks. They really don\’t, sometimes I think I should be doing \”better\” but with every reminder I am brought right back to the way things should be.

  27. Kristin @ What She Said says

    October 3, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    I’m sorry that a time that should bring you joy instead brings so much pain. Writing is cathartic – keep doing it. We’ll be here with the tissues.

    • Jessica says

      October 5, 2011 at 9:14 pm

      I can’t stop writing right now. It is truly helping me through the days.

  28. Mirjam says

    October 3, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    I can’t imagine what it is going through this kind of grief.
    Sending you lots of love.

  29. Jackie says

    October 3, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    There is nothing that I can say to make this easier for you. So I won’t.

    Just know that we are all here for you. Tissues in hand.

    • Jessica says

      October 3, 2011 at 10:03 pm

      Thanks so much Jackie.

  30. angela says

    October 3, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    I am so sorry and sending you thoughts and prayers. We are here; there are plenty of tissues to go around, and I wish I could do something more. But I am here, listening. xoxo

  31. Veronica Raz says

    October 3, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Such beautiful words that depict how sad our loss is, and that it’s something we cannot just “forget”. Yes, we move on because we have to, but we always are humbled time and time again. Everytime I step into a beach, regardless of where it’s located, I am always reminded of Andrew. Somehow, the peacefullness of the water, sky, and sunset, bring me hope and faith, in that they are rejoicing in Heaven. Only a parent, who has experienced this, will understand. Every one else can only imagine it.

    • Jessica says

      October 5, 2011 at 9:13 pm

      I wanted so much to feel peace but I just felt that ache of missing her so intensely.

  32. Diana Doyle says

    October 3, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    Jessica,

    You’ve captured that lonesome longing feeling of grief perfectly in your words…thanks for sharing.

    Birthdays are one of the hardest, the wondering and the missing out on ALL that should be.

    I will keep you in my thoughts with love

    Diana x

    • Jessica says

      October 5, 2011 at 9:12 pm

      It is such an emptiness and so hard to explain. I’m sorry you know this feeling too.

  33. Jocelyn says

    October 3, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    Oh, Jessica, I am so very very sorry. I cannot even imagine the pain of your loss, and especially how heavy this time must be each year. We’re all here for you if you need us, and I’ll have a crate of Kleenex ready.

  34. Tina says

    October 3, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Use an entire box of tissue if you need to!

  35. Tina says

    October 3, 2011 at 11:40 am

    That was beautiful. You can have al the tissue moments you need! My daughter woud have been eight in December; I completely understand.

    • Jessica says

      October 5, 2011 at 9:11 pm

      I am so sorry Tina, the anniversaries never get easier do they?

  36. Kristy @PampersandPinot says

    October 3, 2011 at 11:38 am

    I am so sorry. Hang on, girl, hang on.

  37. KLZ says

    October 3, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Big hug.

    There are no words.

  38. KWombles says

    October 3, 2011 at 10:17 am

    ((()))

  39. Devan @ Accustomed Chaos says

    October 3, 2011 at 10:17 am

    sending you love & holding you tight

    • Jessica says

      October 3, 2011 at 10:40 am

      Thank you Devan. xo

  40. Jessica@Team Rasler says

    October 3, 2011 at 10:02 am

    Tissue warning duly noted. I wish I could do more than cry with you. Maybe that will help anyway.

  41. JDaniel4's Mom says

    October 3, 2011 at 9:56 am

    I wish I could say or do something to help ease this. Just know you are in my prayers.

  42. Forgotten says

    October 3, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Sending so much love your way. ((((HUGE HUGS))))

    XOXO,
    TwinsMa

  43. Sherri says

    October 3, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Oh Jessica…beautiful words, as always but these feelings are still so raw. And you just write about them and try to let the words flow.

    We will have plenty of tissues.

    Hugs to you, my friend…

  44. By Word of Mouth Musings says

    October 3, 2011 at 9:32 am

    Always here sweet friend … always here …

  45. story says

    October 3, 2011 at 9:30 am

    Sending love. You create such beauty from your grief, and I know that that is little comfort, but it is such a gift to the world.

  46. tracy says

    October 3, 2011 at 9:29 am

    Tissues and hugs ready. I ache for you and love you dearly.

  47. Shell says

    October 3, 2011 at 9:15 am

    I will keep you in my prayers. xo

  48. Barbara says

    October 3, 2011 at 8:29 am

    I’ll be thinking of you during this very hard time. Sending you hugs!!

  49. wendy says

    October 3, 2011 at 7:56 am

    I am so sorry. I cannot imagine. take good care of yourself this week.

  50. Kir says

    October 3, 2011 at 7:05 am

    My heart is heavy with yours…and my prayers and hugs are traveling to you to comfort you . Your words were so raw and beautiful, the tears in my eyes match the ache in my heart for you today. Xoxo

  51. Alanna says

    October 3, 2011 at 6:46 am

    My heart breaks for you. This is a pain no one should ever have to feel. You are in my thoughts.

  52. Ann says

    October 3, 2011 at 1:38 am

    Awww, I wish I had the right words, but we both know I don’t. Just know you’re in my heart and I’m thinking of you…

  53. Kimberly says

    October 2, 2011 at 11:49 pm

    I am so so sorry. We’ll be here for you, as always. {hugs}

  54. Just Jennifer says

    October 2, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    Bring it on, sweetie.

  55. Alison@Mama Wants This says

    October 2, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    Your grief is shared, Jessica. And hand those tissues over, your beautiful words are once again making me weep.

  56. Galit Breen says

    October 2, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    Tissue warning heeded.

    I’m still here,

    Always will be.

    Sending you so very much love.

    XO

  57. Yuliya says

    October 2, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    Sweet Jessica, I am thinking of you in this difficult time.

  58. Sara Joy says

    October 2, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    Oh honey. (((hugs))) Let’s get together. Email me, k?

    • Jessica says

      October 7, 2011 at 8:29 pm

      Would love to get together. Let’s pick a day.

  59. Brittany says

    October 2, 2011 at 10:17 pm

    Your words are beautiful and my heart aches for you. I understand the longing for that little hand in yours. Much love!

  60. Runnermom-jen says

    October 2, 2011 at 10:15 pm

    Oh, Jessica…I’m speechless. I’m so sorry. I wish I could wrap you in a hug right now. XO

  61. Teresa (Embracing the Spectrum) says

    October 2, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    I already need a tissue…

    I cannot imagine that kind of pain.

  62. Stephanie says

    October 2, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    Your words are so perfect. Thank you for sharing them. I haven’t reached that 4 year mark, but I feel the same way. Thinking of you this week!

  63. Jamie says

    October 2, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    I’ve got a box in hand. A whole box. My heart aches for yours.

  64. Stephanie says

    October 2, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    Oh sweetie. I am sending you so much love and so many hugs right now.

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jess and sawyer bwI'm Jessica, 40-something mom to five, four in my arms and one in my heart.

On any given day you will find me taxi-ing a teenager, mopping up our latest "art project" and trying to remember when I turned the crock pot on… all the while, looking for the closest Starbucks drive thru. more

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