Lifting my eyes to the sun, I blink the world quiet.
Ribboning waves thread to sands of silk.
Golden rays and the tickle of giggles brush me with warmth.
This is perfection.
But this is grief.
Grief is standing in the most beautiful place you have ever known,
walking as close to heaven as you are far.
Picturing the rise and the fall of breath you can’t feel across your cheek.
Sensing the weight of a head of curls that will never brush your shoulder.
Reaching for a hand that should fit perfectly in yours but never will
and listening for a heartbeat that stopped long ago.
Grief is anchored in an air full of longing
and lost dreams
and missed birthdays.
Grief is the pull of waves that keeps you from dancing on the shore.
It is October, just days from what should be Hadley’s 4th birthday and several more days from when we said our goodbyes. My heart is heavy and yes, this is your tissue warning for the next few weeks.
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—Jessica,
I must have missed your comment on my blog. Sorry.
My heart if heavy & I feel your pain.
I honestly do not believe I will ever be the same person I once was before my sister was murdered. I feel so much less w/ out her.
Thinking of you today. x
Love Love Love.
Taking this in today…
For you. For Hadley.
Honoring her.
And sending love your way.
This is poetical and very very sad.
Thinking of you.
Tissues on standby and ready to hold your hand. I’m sorry for your grief, but I’m grateful you share it with us. I hope it lightens your load, even just a little.
Thank you so much Robin.
Thanks for the tissue warning… I stand at the ready. This was, as always, incredibly beautiful. My thoughts are with you this week and am sending strength, comfort, and courage your way, momma. XOXO
Thank you so much Charlotte, I\’m sort of blogging my way through it and the support of all of you is incredible. Truly appreciate you.
So much love. So much.
Franchesca did share and I am so glad she did! WOW is all I can say, you capture it so perfectly. I’m so sorry your sweet Hadley isn’t here on earth with you…sad as it is, she has plenty of friends to play with in heaven…one being my little girl who would be 2 and a half.
So good to meet you Kelly, although I\’m sorry we have such sadness in common. I\’m glad our little girls are together.
We’re all here to listen and send you a big hug. I’d love to even give you one in person. 🙂
Thanks so much Elena, truly.
Oh my word Jessica, you could not have described grief better. It is perfect. Grief is a beautiful place, but what a bitter way to feel so close to Heaven. Thank you for sharing this. I think I might just share this post on facebook tomorrow. I know so many would be blessed by it. xxxx
Thank so much Franchesca, would love it if you share. I tried to find the words to describe that emptiness that just can\’t be filled. It hit me so hard as we stood on that beach. I felt so close to her and so far from her at the same time.
Know that I am thinking of you and that you are surrounded by love.
You are not alone.
Thank you so much Leighann, I appreciate your friendship more than you know.
Sending you thoughts of love and peace.
Thanks so much Megan.
oh honey. of course your heart is heavy. I wish I had the right words for you, but know that I’m here. I’m reading. I’m thinking of you.
Thank you so much Krista, truly appreciate it.
Why is it that we begin to feel it right before the anniversaries and birthdays? On October 22 it will be two years since my brother passed and I already feel it… I hear it in my mother’s voice… it’s like we are all aching. I guess it’s just time to sit with it but not drown in it… my tissues are ready. My arms are streched from my place in the Midatlantic… you are not alone.
Couldn\’t agree with you more. It is like the world takes on a different tone for a while. So sorry that you are living life without your brother.
I am sending love to you and your family. So much love. And prayers.
Truly appreciate it Tracie.
This post made a lump swell in my throat.
My thoughts are with you and your family during this time of remembrance.
Nothing but huge (((HUGS))) for you my friend.
Thank you so much, truly appreciate your thoughts.
Beautifully written Jessica. Big hugs to you and sending you good wishes for strength as you see your way through this time.
Thank you Nicole, I could definitely use a little extra strength. 😉
You are definitely in my prayers tomorrow as you remember your angel. I know the grief you feel as I will be remembering my angel later this month on the day he passed.
Thank you Tameka, what date did your baby pass? Hadley was on the 11th.
The 28th which is also my brother’s birthday.
I am so sorry, will be thinking of you all month, especially on the 28th.
Oh honey, my heart aches for you. Love you.
Thank you Jen, much love to you too.
I’m so very sorry that this is an even harder time for you. Hugs.
Hugs from across the blogosphere… There is nothing I can say to take away your grief, but know there are friends around the web who care for you. Keeping you in my thoughts!
Your support means so much, thank you.
Beautiful words for such a sensitive subject. My heart goes out to you and your family during this time.
{hugs}
And no warnings necessary because I am glad that you talk about your sweet Hadley, and I don’t think you should (or need to) stop.
Sending much love, light and peace your way. xoxo
October is a difficult month for me too.
Will be thinking of you too Tonya, here whenever you need me.
You use as many tissues as you need, girlfriend. ♥
The anniversaries never get any easier even as time progresses. I’m right there with you. Hugs.
Thanks. They really don\’t, sometimes I think I should be doing \”better\” but with every reminder I am brought right back to the way things should be.
I’m sorry that a time that should bring you joy instead brings so much pain. Writing is cathartic – keep doing it. We’ll be here with the tissues.
I can’t stop writing right now. It is truly helping me through the days.
I can’t imagine what it is going through this kind of grief.
Sending you lots of love.
There is nothing that I can say to make this easier for you. So I won’t.
Just know that we are all here for you. Tissues in hand.
Thanks so much Jackie.
I am so sorry and sending you thoughts and prayers. We are here; there are plenty of tissues to go around, and I wish I could do something more. But I am here, listening. xoxo
Such beautiful words that depict how sad our loss is, and that it’s something we cannot just “forget”. Yes, we move on because we have to, but we always are humbled time and time again. Everytime I step into a beach, regardless of where it’s located, I am always reminded of Andrew. Somehow, the peacefullness of the water, sky, and sunset, bring me hope and faith, in that they are rejoicing in Heaven. Only a parent, who has experienced this, will understand. Every one else can only imagine it.
I wanted so much to feel peace but I just felt that ache of missing her so intensely.
Jessica,
You’ve captured that lonesome longing feeling of grief perfectly in your words…thanks for sharing.
Birthdays are one of the hardest, the wondering and the missing out on ALL that should be.
I will keep you in my thoughts with love
Diana x
It is such an emptiness and so hard to explain. I’m sorry you know this feeling too.
Oh, Jessica, I am so very very sorry. I cannot even imagine the pain of your loss, and especially how heavy this time must be each year. We’re all here for you if you need us, and I’ll have a crate of Kleenex ready.
Use an entire box of tissue if you need to!
That was beautiful. You can have al the tissue moments you need! My daughter woud have been eight in December; I completely understand.
I am so sorry Tina, the anniversaries never get easier do they?
I am so sorry. Hang on, girl, hang on.
Big hug.
There are no words.
((()))
sending you love & holding you tight
Thank you Devan. xo
Tissue warning duly noted. I wish I could do more than cry with you. Maybe that will help anyway.
I wish I could say or do something to help ease this. Just know you are in my prayers.
Sending so much love your way. ((((HUGE HUGS))))
XOXO,
TwinsMa
Oh Jessica…beautiful words, as always but these feelings are still so raw. And you just write about them and try to let the words flow.
We will have plenty of tissues.
Hugs to you, my friend…
Always here sweet friend … always here …
Sending love. You create such beauty from your grief, and I know that that is little comfort, but it is such a gift to the world.
Tissues and hugs ready. I ache for you and love you dearly.
I will keep you in my prayers. xo
I’ll be thinking of you during this very hard time. Sending you hugs!!
I am so sorry. I cannot imagine. take good care of yourself this week.
My heart is heavy with yours…and my prayers and hugs are traveling to you to comfort you . Your words were so raw and beautiful, the tears in my eyes match the ache in my heart for you today. Xoxo
My heart breaks for you. This is a pain no one should ever have to feel. You are in my thoughts.
Awww, I wish I had the right words, but we both know I don’t. Just know you’re in my heart and I’m thinking of you…
I am so so sorry. We’ll be here for you, as always. {hugs}
Bring it on, sweetie.
Tissue warning heeded.
I’m still here,
Always will be.
Sending you so very much love.
XO
Sweet Jessica, I am thinking of you in this difficult time.
Oh honey. (((hugs))) Let’s get together. Email me, k?
Would love to get together. Let’s pick a day.
Your words are beautiful and my heart aches for you. I understand the longing for that little hand in yours. Much love!
Oh, Jessica…I’m speechless. I’m so sorry. I wish I could wrap you in a hug right now. XO
I already need a tissue…
I cannot imagine that kind of pain.
Your words are so perfect. Thank you for sharing them. I haven’t reached that 4 year mark, but I feel the same way. Thinking of you this week!
I’ve got a box in hand. A whole box. My heart aches for yours.
Oh sweetie. I am sending you so much love and so many hugs right now.