I remember the day I found out she was not sitting on The Story Mat.
Inhaling deeply and channeling patience, concentrating on not pounding the floor as I marched to confront an inflexible kindergarten teacher.
The “classroom rule” stated that you could only sit on The Story Mat “if you were able to put on and remove your shoes independently.” Having completed kindergarten myself at one point, I recognized the clever attempt at teaching independence, how to tie and untie, or how to just give up and wear velcro.
I did not, however, recognize the lack of understanding towards my daughter, who would never make it to The Story Mat under these pretenses.
I tried to help this teacher understand that not every child will fit into the neat little box she had created for her kindergarteners.
And I’m not sure I did it.
Because sometimes you can’t change people and their thoughts on what must be earned.
A Bachelor’s or a Master’s or a Ph.D may not come with the understanding that we could spend hours a day putting on and taking off shoes and the skill would not be acquired that year and maybe not the next or the year after that either.
Degree or not, someone who does not see the whole picture may think I am looking for special treatment or to bend the rules.
And maybe I am.
Because she deserves it.
She deserves to be treated with fairness and respect.
And if that fairness and respect involves accepting differences and changing rules then I am all for it.
Because what it took for you to learn to tie your shoes is what it took for her to learn to hold a spoon.
The effort you put into running a mile is the effort she puts into walking down a crowded high school highway.
The years of practice and games you sweat through equals the determination it takes for her to advocate for herself, remember her gym shoes each day and look at you when you are speaking.
So she has earned her stripes, her circle on the mat, her spot in a team photo and her place in the world…
a place where she continues to grow to be the most kind, accepting and forgiving person many of us could ever hope to be.
A place where she would give up every last stripe, just to be included.
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This kind of ignorance and the damage it causes makes me feel sick. At least she has a loving mom to advocate, which will always remain with her.
This is what every parent wants for their child. Every parent and educator alike should read this. Beautiful, Jessica. I have a lump in my throat.
Hi Jessica…I was reading the post you have and it makes me really emotional…Anyway, your daughter really deserves a respect…
You are so dead on with this. Every teacher should read it. I remember in Kindergarten, when Olivia was still a runner/wanderer, we said it might be helpful if she had a box to stand in so she knew to stay…she thought we meant an actual box…not one drawn on the floor…and I remember thinking, oh boy! She said at the end of the year (which was her last year of teaching after 35 years) that she had learned so much from Olivia. I hope that continues to be true!
Our current culture is one of parents hiring tutors and private coaches so that their kids can be THE BEST at everything: batting coaches, agility training, SAT prep tutors, etc.
I hear some of them complaining that the trend of giving participation trophies and achievement certificates to every child weakens the thread of competition – sets kids up for unrealistic expectations.
I wish they could all read this post and realize that being FIRST or BEST or SUPEREXCELLENT isn’t everyone’s goal; some beautiful souls just want to be included…to simply “be a part” of something…ask for nothing more than a chance to try.
If Ashlyn had to give away all her stripes to belong, I’d hand her mine. In a heartbeat.
Up to this point I’ve had truly wonderful educators for both of my boys. The IEP has been adhered to wonderfully by Anthony’s kindergarten teacher. I dread the day that I come across inflexibility.
Your daughter has indeed earned every stripe. And on top of that her out of the box rationale is exactly what this world needs more of.
Your daughter deserve a respect in everything.Good to know that you are still there for her to motivate her to stand up in her own.
Thanks for making me cry right before bed. Good for you for being there for your daughter- I wish others would be more understanding.
As you have to work hard to gain each promtion you are earning your stripes.
I just love this. We have to go to bat for our kids, especially when they can’t do it for themselves. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that the other adults in our children’s lives accept that not all kids learn the same way, or have the same emotional reactions, or come from the same frame of reference.
Sure, I get that we need some standards and guidelines, particularly in large group settings (like school or organized sports), but common sense should prevail now and then, too.
It makes me so crazy that educators can respect the differences in learners. Of all people really.
As a trainer of early childhood educators my motto for them is always “fair does not mean equal”. Just because you allow one child to sit on the mat without being to tie their shoes does not mean you are being unfair. You are just meeting needs. The sad thing is children understand this and accept this at an early age. As adults we start to put limitations and constraints and treat people as groups not as individuals and that is how our children pick it up!
Sigh
I could go on.
You daughter is lovely and compassion and kindness are two characteristics that are not valued enough.
that makes me so sad that this teacher is so inflexible with her thinking and understanding. you said it – your daughter has earned her spot on that rug. I wish everyone could read this, bc the “spot on the rug” is a metaphor for so much more…
Thank you for your writing, and for this post. Brought me to tears.
You and your daughter are such an inspiration. I know this post was difficult for you to write, but I’m so glad you did. Every parent, every teacher, every person should read this.
Your constant advocacy for your children, for the rights of other children, and for awareness make me so happy! Thank you for speaking up! It’s people like you who make changes happen!!
Yes, she does. She is such an inspiration. And I’m thinking we (the whole blogosphere) might need to have a little chat with that teacher. If she’s still around. How ridiculous.
After reading so many of your posts I simply can’t imagine you not being the most incredibly supportive, loving, and all around awesome mom. Seriously… I don’t think that there isn’t anything that you wouldn’t do to help your kids succeed in every way possible. As moms, we should all take a lesson from you.
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this. You open my eyes more and more to things that go unnoticed, overlooked.
This may sound trite, and I don’t mean it to. But I love you – today for writing these words – but always for being YOU.
That is all.
Good for you.
I think advocating for your child is so important, but also so tricky when you feel like people just aren’t listening.
Stuff like this worries my so much. My son is 3 and he’s always been a little bit behind and I worry about situations like this. It’s really not asking the teacher much at ALL to make an exception for your daughter. I don’t even think it can be considered “special treatment” to give her respect and fairness. That’s just something she should be entitled to, as should all of the students in her class. This is a great post.
This brought tears to my eyes. So beautifully written, with such important words, and I’m so glad you shared. I can feel your deep love in your words.
So beautiful. It’s all we want for our kids- to be able to belong, to have things be a little more fair for them(even though it means different things).
I think you are correct that some people will not get the differences nor the similarities among all the kids in the classroom. It’s a shame when educators can’t see the human soul beyond the rules and expectations. I read a little bit on twitter of the team photo story–still not sure of the whole thing so don’t want to presume but it sounds like a true heartbreak. I suppose the cliches about becoming stronger from experiences may apply but those lessons are awful. It seems that your daughter could have been lifted up in this instance, and not knocked down by her peers.
This is a great post about the necessary pains of parenting.
You go, Mama bear. She sounds like an amazing little girl and not all teachers are able to think outside of the box when it comes to amazing little girls.
This is why you are a spectacular mother, Jessica. Always have been and always will be.
This was a beautiful, honest look. Im so glad you published this!! you rwords are true.
You wrote about a painful situation beautifully. It pains me to know there are teachers like that out there (and other people, too). Rules should be guidelines, not set absolutely in stone, especially in a classroom where there are so many students who learn in different ways. It should be a microchasm of life, and kids need to learn to be respectful of the differences that will surround them in the “real” world. When teachers say “we are inclusive and embrace diversity” but only do it on specific terms, what does that teach our children? 🙁
What makes my heart happy about this is that you have been and will continue to be a strong advocate for her, in such a way that she now advocates for herself.
Your fierce love and BIG advocacy? Gives me chills.
And this story? Gives me tears.
(I’m so glad that you wrote it.)
You fight for your daughter with a tenacity many mothers only have to imagine. She’s a brave strong girl and I think she gets it from you. It’s such a shame that you even have to have those conversations with people, especially people who are IN education. Hugs for you both!
Me too, the only thing that made this situation better was the people that stood by her.
Excellent post! I had to write up one of my former doctoral students when she entered a home and proclaimed “you are still feeding your child a bottle?!?! He’s 2!” She missed the fact that the child’s motor skills were so behind that he couldn’t even hold up his head, let alone his own bottle.
Professionals will continue to learn from the parents who know their children the best!
I hope so! Sometimes I wonder if people actually “get it” when I am explaining our case but I have to hope that most do.
What a beautifully written article. Ashlyn is such an amazing person and it is mostly due to her amazing mother teaching her how special she is and what joy she brings to those around her. Ashlyn continues to surprise me with how strong she is in sticking up for herself and making sure she is included the way she deserves to be. She is a wonderful young lady.
Thank you and you have quite an amazing daughter too. The way she stuck up for Ashlyn means so much to both of us.
She is so blessed to have you in her corner! She so deserves a spot on the mat.
As a former teacher, it astounds me when adults still seem “fair” as “inflexibly the same.”
Fair is what a specific person needs, and your daughter needs and has earned her recognition.
I am so frustrated for you, and her. And that picture….that says so much about the love in your home.
Thank you Alison, it was hard to write, there were things I wanted to say, actually yell, that I didn’t because I knew it wouldn’t help anyone but me. I’m glad I waited on this for a few days and wrote it this way. I hope people do learn something from it because I know it is hard to understand unless someone is in our shoes. Maybe I will start an anonymous, angry ranting blog another day :).
There’s a difference between fair and equal. Some people just need that lesson once to see. Others never get it. It’s those ‘others’ that drive me batty in my best days and to angry rants and tear in my worst days
Couldn’t agree more and the sad part it, you can’t change the people who don’t get it. I’ve tried for years but some people just don’t see it the way we do and they won’t unless it happens in their own home.
Give me this “teacher’s” name. I’m gonna hunt down and slap the bitch!
m.
It’s not teachers this time Mark. But I appreciate the support and rage of a cookie mom :). xo
Sorry, I thought I read that correctly.
m.
I absolutely love the way you look at things and your approach to life. This post is beautiful. Also, wanted to let you know that I added you to my blogroll. Hope that’s okay:) I’m just learning my way around the blogosphere and don’t really know all the rules.
I absolutely appreciate that. Thank you. I’m glad you liked the post, it is one I have needed to write but just wasn’t sure how I wanted to go about it.
I’m so glad you wrote it. Thank you.
I know you understand Erron but I wish you didn’t.
I have been a silent follower for a long time, and especially appreciate your pieces on your oldest. My nephew is 7 and has Aspbergers, and I love to see things from your perspective. I forward most of your entries about Autism to her, and I can’t wait to show her this one. I am so glad that your daughter has you to stand up for her, that is what is important, her knowing she has you behind her 10000%!
So glad you commented Kate. My daughter has learned up to stand up for herself too, which I love to see. She knows a lot about her autism and hates to be left out. Sometimes she starts advocating for herself before I even get a chance too :). Thanks for sharing my post with your family, I hope they are finding lots of support and acceptance.
Beautifully written!!
Wow. Just, wow.
So many parents must feel similarly, but you poured out your emotions, your views, and your daughter’s needs in such a beautiful, meaningful way that most others wouldn’t be able to (myself included!).
Wonderful post!
Thank you so much Sharon, I needed to write this post, it was between an angry rant and a call story. Glad I was able to do the later. 🙂