In the early months after we lost Hadley, during those foggy seconds of awakening, I would realize my life all over again. The air in the room would be sucked away and my feet would feel too heavy to lift out of bed.
Each and every morning at 6 a.m.
I would then go through my day in a haze of grief and wonder how the rest of the world was spinning…
how other people were chatting and shopping and remembering to do things like eat dinner and put gas in the car.
I wondered if my feet would ever feel lighter, if my vision would ever stop glazing over.
Four and a half years later, I am strong enough to walk without a thought.
My view is as present as it can be with a piece of my heart gone.
We walked for the March of Dimes this past weekend and I was there.
I soaked up my kids and the confidence and inches they have grown.
I hugged our friends and family and wished I had written them each a personal thank you for coming… my feelings come out much better on paper.
I marveled at our luck with the weather and wanted my husband closer every time we drifted apart.
I was there, for every moment.
As we reached The Memory Garden, I saw my daughter’s name, planted among flowers and messages that had already begun collecting there. I thanked God that big sunglasses partially block the Ugly Cry and waited for my husband and kids to come close so we could craft messages of our own.
While I attempted to refrain from heaving sobs over my daughter’s name, life went on. Runners pushed past, strollers bumped through, someone interrupted my space to ask for a water bottle for her dog and those early feelings rushed back.
I am alone. My daughter has died. The rest of the world is still turning and I am standing still.
But then I looked up and all I could see was our team, a sea of family and friends waiting for us. They all stood back, giving our little family space, but they were there. Stopping the world with us. To remember.
When I was ready to walk again, my husband took my hand and we continued on, one step at a time, each easier than the next, surrounded by our team. A team whose reach is far greater than just one day or one moment and who would do anything to help our family reach the finish line.
———————
I will never be able to put into words how grateful I am to all of you.
Those who donated or walked or sent words of encouragement or took two seconds to think of us on Sunday. We walked with the strength of all of you whether you were there or not.
You have made this path so much easier to travel.
Linking up with Shell and PYHO
Comments
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Rach (DonutsMama) says
I really admire how you’ve taken your grief and turned it into something that helps others and yet carries on Hadley’s legacy. Thank you for speaking up for all babies.
Leighann says
I find it easier to write out my emotions then to say them too!
Your words are beautiful here and so so captivating. I have felt this way when grief has hit me as well… how is the world still spinning?
You are an inspiration to every parent, and person who is struggling.
Runnermom-jen says
Did you reach your goal? I really hope so!!
Beautiful, heart-wrenching post.
xo
Jessica says
I surpassed it, and we beat our team goal as well :). Thank you for all of your support Jen.
Jenn says
Oh the tears. <3 So proud of your whole family!
Azra says
Aww……Hadley Jane is smiling down at you. I was born at 36 weeks….
Ella says
Thanks God for all those wonderful people who make us realize, there will be days like that, but eventuallly, you know you will be ok, and that God has given allot of other very good reasons to keep going.
Elizabeth says
Thank you for continuing to share your family’s story. And allowing us, your readers, to be a part of the journey. Hugs and blessings to you, Jessica!
Nancy Percha says
Your post was easy to understand and feel.. I sat here in tears and wished I could give you a hug. The loss of a child is something that grasps your soul some days and you wonder how you can keep putting one foot in front of the other somedays. But then there are all these other wonderful people who put us back together , brush us off and help us back up. Thanks God for all those wonderful people who make us realize, there will be days like that, but eventuallly, you know you will be ok, and that God has given allot of other very good reasons to keep going. God bless you Jessica. You and your family are just the best. Hugs to all of you!
Jenni Chiu says
You are beautiful. Your family is beautiful. Your journey is inspirational.
So much love to you and your family.
Garett Miller says
I admire your courage and strength. Life after a loss, you are so brave. The post is to touching it actually made me wanna cry.
Adrian says
It really gives me a good feeling to see people like them who are willing to go out of their way to show that they care.
Ashley Wagner says
I know that you are sad of what had happen to your angel yet you are facing the world with hopes. I am sad while reading this blog but be strong always and I know you can cope up with it because I feel that you are a fighter.
Sharon {Grumpy, Sleepy, and Bashful} says
Oh, my goodness. I know I’m tired, and probably have PMS, but this brought tears to my eyes. I wish I had known, I would have donated. I wish I was closer, I would have walked!
What a beautiful way with words you have, and what a strong voice you let shine through.
Jessica says
Thank you so much Sharon, truly appreciate your kind words, sorry for the tears!
Alicia D says
God, this made me cry… i don’t know what to say except that i am moved by this post as a mother. Such a beautiful post.
Jessica says
Thanks so much Alicia, sorry for the tears!
Tiffany says
I really admire your strength. I pass along your posts about Hadley to my friend who recently lost her daughter…your words are very comforting yet real.
Jessica says
So glad they can help someone else, thanks for sharing Tiffany.
Brandy says
I wish for nothing but blessings to your family!
Diane says
Wow. I don’t have anything else.
Corey Feldman says
Wow, what an incredibly powerful post. As a parent I can’t even begin to imagine your loss and pain. My heart hurts just thinking about it. I wish you and your family so much peace and love.
Jessica says
Thank you so much Corey, it has been a tough road but we have learned to look at life and appreciate it in such a different way.
Perry says
I could say something that would make it better, that would make the pain less, that could tell you how much my heart hurts for your family. I really was touched and inspired reading it.
Karyn18 says
Sorry for the loss of your daughter. But I’m glad to hear that you and your family accepted it wholeheartedly. You make me proud of you as mom too!
The Mommy Psychologist says
This post brought tears to my eyes and made a lump in my throat…
Tim@sogeshirts says
You and your family are so brave and truly honor your daughter every day.
Jessica says
Thank you so much Tim, hope you are doing well!
Natalie @MamaTrack says
I wish that I could say something that would make it better, that would make the pain less, that could tell you how much my heart hurts for your family. I’m so sorry. And so happy that you can now see the wonderful support network there for you.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Jessica says
You being part of my support network is more than I could ever ask for. Thank you for everything.
Frelle says
This was an amazing post to read, and brought tears to my eyes. How the world stopped for you, and you looked up at your team, who stopped WITH you to be still in that moment, where it used to be just you who stood still. How breathtaking. *HUG* So glad you share these words here.
Lanie says
I wish it all was not so bittersweet. So glad that you were able to be “there” on Sunday. xo
Elena says
You do amazing things in honor of Hadley. So very proud & in awe of you always.
angela says
I’m so proud of you. Your grace is inspiring–truly.
Not a Perfect Mom says
beautiful as always…
crying as always…
If I was there I would have walked proudly for you and yours…
and for Hadley Jane
Marta says
Beautiful. Truly. It looks like the day was as beautiful as your hearts and spirits as you walked.
Lots of hugs!
Clomid and Cabernet says
Sobbing. You are so brave and strong and inspiring. Sending love and hugs and calling you soon. xoxo
Jessica says
Thank you so much Katie, looking forward to talking with you. And I need to come spend 10 hours on your new site.
Ashley says
Beautiful. Your family, your story, and the way you share it are all just beautiful. Hand over the kleenex.
Mom On A Line says
I am a blubbering mess reading this. Thank you for sharing. I’m glad Sunday was so nice for your walk.
Julia says
Beautiful. I am so glad you were able to have this event of memory, reflection, and celebration.
Helen says
As a mother, I know how hard it is to lose a child. But losing hope should not be your option. What has happened to you the past few years without your daughter? Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
Alexandra says
Life, after loss.
As hard as it is.
Much love to all of you.
xo
Tayarra says
Oh good lord… your perspective on the day, the love, the support, the thankfulness that oozes through your words? It all put me on the verge of the ugly cry. The part where you wanted your husband closer each time the distance got uncomfortable… You are a beautiful person. Your writing, your family, your heart… beautiful!
Jen says
This is so beautiful. 🙂
Lady Jennie says
This just makes me cry. But there is such a ray of hope seeing those little hands held high.
Tonya says
I am so proud of you and your family. This is an amazing thing that you do each year. This post, like many of your posts do, made me smile through tears of sadness and joy. I know that heaviness too well. Thankfully it does get lighter with each passing day. Sending you gobs of love. xoxo
MommaKiss says
That damn ugly cry, well, sometimes it’s just needed. Don’t ever stop yourself from those feelings.
I know how much this means to you and love you mucho.
Shell says
So, so beautiful. The love you have for your family, the strength you show… just beautiful.
John says
You’re doing good, for a good cause . . . and *hugs*
molly says
How beautiful. I’m so glad you have such a wonderful support system.
Barbara says
You are such an inspiration to so many people! I am so proud of you!
wendy says
You’re doing a great job. Take good care of your team.
Mark says
Looks like a great day!
And you can be so proud of your little Walkers.
m.
Galit Breen says
Oh this is so very stunning, *you* are so very stunning.
(Always thinking of you.)
Cindy Bryl says
beautifully encouraging and inspirational.
ML@My 3 Little Birds says
Beautiful, beautiful tribute.
Nan says
Tears….this is a beautifully heartbreaking post, your pics have me choked up!!!. Im so proud of you for doing this each year and hope someday I can use some of your strength and experiences to do this myself as well. Love to you xoxo xo
Jessica says
I know you would Alison and I can’t thank you enough for your donation and all of your support.
Life As Wife says
Walk on missy, walk on!!!
Kimberly says
So proud of you for all that you have done. My heart is with you.
Jessica says
Thank you Kim.
Delilah says
And cue the ugly cry….We always walk too and it is so uplifting. We have 3 who were born early and while they are physically healthy now I remember all too well the fear when I went into labor early. Your family is beautiful.
Jessica says
Thanks so much Delilah. It’s amazing isn’t it? How far our preemies have come. I still can’t believe that my survivors were those teeny babies in incubators four years ago. Hope you had a great walk.
christine says
So teary.
I said it before, but I’ll say it again. You. Are. Amazing.
Jessica says
Aww, thank you Christine. Truly appreciate it.
Kristen says
You should be smiling big! This is what love is…true love! Beautiful, Jess! xo
Jessica says
Thank you so much Kristen, for everything.
sue says
Walking in Hadley’s name is an honor. She is always remembered and in our hearts <3
Jessica says
As I said in this post, I will never be able to thank you enough Sue. xo
Ashley {at} My Front Porch Swing says
Oh girl. I am so proud, so humbled, and so teary right now. So much love to you girl So, so much.
Jessica says
Thanks Ash, It’s such an amazing day and hard to put all the feelings into words. Thank you so much for your support.