I tried to remember all the rules of Month Three.
Don’t hug too long, protected tears might surface.
Don’t say names until you’re sure she is ready to hear them.
Don’t ask how she is if it’s already written on her face
and don’t forget to let her know you are here, there, wherever she needs you to be, whenever she needs you.
We talked blogs and tweets, long lines, busy streets and the food on our plates.
I spotted her wrists and knew the marks on her skin were actual size.
The tiniest of footprints nestled inside each of her arms, her boys, resting against her.
She held cups of ice to her arm, alternating hands, and casually mentioned she had just had them done.
They burned a little, she needed something to ease the pain.
I dug through my bags of coupons and vitamin samples and handheld fans for something, anything to dull her ache.
Handing over a mini first aid kit, band aids and a long explanation of where we could find Motrin, I would have walked against the traffic of New York sidewalks to help.
Because dulling the physical pain is something I could do.
I can’t mend the emotional wounds, I can’t stop the scars from forming or speed up the work her heavy heart must do.
I can only sit next to her, offer her understanding nods and gentle wishes and a knowing that she will be okay.
She is strong and we are unbreakable and there is a sisterhood of moms living without their babies standing behind her.
We will hold her up when it’s too hard to stand and help her carry her story.
It is forever added to the weight of our own.
Diana and I at Blogher ’12
Visit me at SheKnows.com for the latest on BlogHer ’12, garage sales and chalkboard paint projects.
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I love this Jessica! All of my friends are always wondering what they can do, what they can say… you summed it up from the outside perspective so well! Hugs!
What a beautiful post. My tears are flooding.
What an incredible gift to have a friend like you in her life….grief needs company and the beautiful hands of friendship to blanket all of its torn places. Your beautiful voice is reassuring to so many who have been affected by loss. God gives wings to our pain and bears angels in flesh…..XO
I’m torn. I’m so incredibly happy you found each other, but I wish you didn’t have to have this shared common grief. But what a blessing you have formed such a beautiful bond and that you were able to meet at BlogHer.
I’m so incredibly upset I missed out on the chance to meet you. *sniff* Please convince me to suck it up and go next year, k?
I have MISSED YOU!!!
I have missed you too and absolutely, if I’m going next year you are too!
You are a good friend. I wish there were magic words to make this journey easier but we both know there are not. (if I do figure any out I will send them to you right away). xoxo
I would appreciate those magic words, I think we all would. xo
This is beautifully written. Isn’t it wonderful to by chance meet such wonderful people who get us? I love that and reading the story of your friendship.
Totally cried for both of you after reading these words. I hope I never join your group, but it has got to be the strongest group of moms in the world. I have nothing but respect for moms who lose their babies and slowly learn how to put one foot in front of the other again. God bless both of you.
Thank you for your beautiful words. Being part of sisterhoods is one of the most amazing things in my life. Whether it is being a sister to my biological siblings, my sorority sisterhood, the sister-like bond I have made with my coworkers. But this, the sisterhood of grief, is one sisterhood I wish I could have avoided. Finding you all, and feeling welcomed into this sisterhood has made my grief and the struggles I go through so much more bearable. I can’t thank all of you enough for the beautiful words you write.
Oh the tears.
You are an amazing friend. She is an amazing person. And those tiny feet on her wrists were the best idea ever.
I’m sorry that you knew what she needed.
I’m sorry that she needed you to know.
But I am glad, that in this great big world, she found you and you could help her hurting heart.
As I know you’ve helped mine. Having others remember our babies and acknowledge our aching hearts is the greatest gift we can receive.
Beautiful! She has to be proud of her friend, that’s something supernatural and breathtaking. This nice event must have its benefits, you are the best example for that!
I have a wonderful friend who just delivered her twins at 27 weeks. One twin lived (weighing 1lb 8oz) and the other twin had passed away in utero. Right now my dear friend and her husband are dealing with the grief of losing a child and the anxiety of watching their other child fight for his life every day.
I think of you and your blog and how it may help her heal, but I am first not sure she is ready for it and second not sure I can even begin to assume the kind of comfort she needs right now.
I know you wrote a blog several months ago about mementos for mothers who had lost babies. Could you send me that link? I would love to give my friend something special in honor of her sweet baby.
Here it is http://fourplusanangel.com/2012/02/what-to-give/
What a sweet friend you are. I think the best thing you can do is just let her know you are here when she needs you and then wait for her to be ready. You could alway send her my site or my email and let her know I have been there and will do whatever I can to support her. Please let me know if either of you need anything.
So beautiful that you can be there for each other.
xo
You say it, do it, let us feel and understand it, see it, so perfectly. You’re the right one others can let hold onto their hearts for a little break. You know how to hold them the right way. You understand and I bet it helps others more than they can say.
I’m so glad you found each other. I am part of the sisterhood of losing a parent too early. My dad was 65 when he died in 2010. It doesn’t seem “young” to many people, but it is. It was. And others who are in the same position as me get it. I could never know the pain you feel and I’m sure you wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. But I am glad you have found others who get it. It’s so important. Hugs…
Beautiful and it brought tears to my eyes. I simply cannot imagine going through the loss of a child …
Beautiful ladies – so glad you were able to connect with each other! Thanks for sharing this with us!
I’m all choked up now. I am so glad you were there. I hate that you knew what to do because of experience, but yet I’m glad you knew what to do. I have no doubt that your comforting quiet presence was a step in her healing. xo
As others have said, I’m so glad she had you and your beautiful heart. Much love to you both.
I know from my own sisterhood, there’s an instant recognition amongst those who share similar pain. And while the love and support of those outside that circle is much appreciated, the understanding from within is vital.
I’m so glad you guys found each other.
I felt the exact same way at Blissdom, meeting Sherry (a fellow widow). It’s not the same kind of pain, by any means, but it is grief and it was so nice to be able to talk to her about it. That kind of support is truly priceless.
Wonderfully Written
I’m glad you two found each other!
I’m so glad you were there for her. My heart goes out to both of you.
This has me in tears. Ive never experienced a loss like that, but as a Mama my heart is full of love for you both.
I’m crying. Thank you so much for your words. And for being the person who understood so deeply.
I wish there was more I could do. And truly I will always be here when you need me.
You are strong. You are stronger than even you know. I can’t wait to welcome you into our adoption family! And Jessica, this is truly so sincere in it’s simplicity and love.
You are both such beautiful people, and I am glad you have each other and so many others for support. xo