I found this list of instructions supposedly taken from a 1950’s high school home economics textbook, teaching girls how to prepare for married life and thought I would see how I compare, using the past week as an example. I’m pretty sure I’m as 1950’s as you can get…
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time.
Me: Monday night while lying awake because I was being smothered by two children who had crawled into our bed, I thought about going downstairs to get chicken out to thaw for the next day. I ultimately fell asleep but not before planning a mouth-watering meal in my head. At 5 pm on Tuesday I remembered I am the one in charge of feeding these people. Again. Breakfast for dinner it was. Again.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.
He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
Me: On Tuesday I talked my children into playing doctor so that I could be the patient because the patient always gets to lay still for five whole seconds. I avoided touching up my make-up by never putting any on in the first place. When Mark got home I made sure to discuss the frequency of the pooping around here, sure to be the most interesting topic of his day.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Me: On Wednesday I stepped on several LEGOS so hard that they stayed embedded in my foot rather than lying on the carpet. One more selfless act of human sacrifice in order to ensure my husband a clear path through the overturned toy bins.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes.
They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Me: Three baby wipes later and I still couldn’t get the jelly off my son’s face from lunch but I did take note that everyone was still in pajamas from the night before and change them into pajamas for the NEXT night just to be properly prepared.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
Me: By Thursday evening, I was waiting at the door as my husband arrived. I smiled with a somewhat possessed look in my eyes and announced I was locking myself in our room, eliminating all noise. For me.
6. Things to avoid: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner.
Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
Me: I nailed this one. No dinner ready, no complaining necessary.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
Me: Starting to go down hill here, he did sit on the coach and there was probably at least one day when I asked if he wanted a beer but everyone around here wears velcro shoes for a reason. You put them on, you take them off.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Me: Ooh, I’m back in the game. From the moment my husband arrives I allow all talking to be his responsibility. Saying “go ask Daddy” or “tell Daddy, he will do it” are two of my favorites.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
Me: Completely understanding his need to be home and relax I happily leave him be (see #5).
10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
Me: If Chuck E Cheese had been around in 1950 and if someone from 1950 had went there on a Friday night moments before entering our home they would absolutely consider our house one of peace and order. Now wear’s my apron and cute polka-dot dress?
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Tara @ Don't Lick the Deck says
This is hilarious Jessica!! I particularly love number 5!!
I actually Think blog, “10 Reasons I could be a 1950’s housewife” was in fact just right! Icouldn’t see eye to eye along with u even more!
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Elaine A. says
I literally LOLed at #5!!!! I mean “try to encourage the children to be quiet”??? That is friggin’ hilarious!!!
Haha, I’ve seen that list before and I am so glad you took in and made it reasonable. 🙂 Great post!
Lady Jennie says
I laughed my way through this, even though I do see you as pretty exemplary in all these things. So glad to know you’re human!! 🙂
On a more somber note, would you go visit this new blogger who just gave birth to a stillborn? I just know you will know how to help, what to say, what posts and boggers and websites to direct her to. My heart is one big ache for her pain.
Oh I absolutely will, how awful. Thanks for connecting me to her.
I think this all the time…my husband calls me sassy June Cleaver with a tattoo and pink highlights. 🙂
So much for modern conveniences giving us more time. My brother always says multi-tasking means lots more work, same pay. I’m thinking our time savers have made us think multi-tasking is normal. In the 50’s, it was common for moms to stay home and do nothing but housework. Many women didn’t drive. I can see being nice to the guy with the car:-)
Jacki A. says
I would get about half of those. I do the whole dinner thing but when it comes to cleaning, he is the boss! Do I get an apron and pretty polka dot dress too? And hey I want the fracken ribbon too!!!!
I think we also get some kind of cute up-do as well.
You Know it Happens at Your House Too says
I would not have made a very good 1950’s housewife that is certain. This is hilarious Jessica, love it!
Paige Kellerman says
Old pajamas to new pajamas before bed? Check and check over here.
sarah @sundayspill says
BAHAHA. Omg. this gave me the biggest chuckle. THANK GOODNESS, I do not live in the 50s. I’d be divorced 5 times over. 🙂
Not a Perfect Mom says
when I got married my grandma reminded me to always have fresh lipstick on when Eric gets home from work…
most days I don’t even have pants on…
Jessica Cobb (@DomesticPirate) says
Pretty sure any man prefers no pants over fresh lipstick!
Corey Feldman says
Too funny. But I do ask my wife to give me 5 minutes and let me cram some food down my mouth and recover from my hour+ commute in heavy traffic before she sends the kids to go ask daddy. That’s if I am actually home before they get to bed.
Hilarious! From now on I will compare my house to Chuck E Cheese and feel a ton better!
Sybil @ Peace it all Together says
I found this list once, too. I’m sure glad I didn’t live in the 1950’s. Why is planning for and making dinner so hard? I just can’t seem to get that one together lately! Glad to know I am not alone.
so funny! I’ve enjoyed reading your posts, and this one had me laughing out loud!
I’ve seen this list before and everytime I read it I laugh and think “You’ve got to be kidding me!!!!” Those poor teenage girls in 1950. I hope their lives turned out better than this.
Mrs. Weber says
Hilarious! Oh lord, I would fail at every.single.thing. on here!
Kathy at kissing the frog says
I have seen these before. Oddly enough, I would have made a great 50’s housewife. Not that I do any of that NOW, but if I lived back then, I could see myself doing it. Bleh! Good thing this is 2013!
I have to wonder who wrote that stuff. Did people really act that way? TAKE OFF HIS SHOES? Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Oh I know but sometimes the things that my grandmother suggests that I do makes me think that they did do a lot of these things. She has mentioned more than once about polishing Easter shoes and wiping down the toilet every time the boys go. How did they have time to do it all?
HA! I loved this post. You would make an amazing 50’s housewife, and I think I would too! We were surely born in the wrong generation. 😉
We absolutely were, now how do we arrange time travel?
Ginger Kay says
These instructional guides are always hysterical, even ones from our own era. Am I the only one grossed out by the idea of taking off my husband’s shoes for him?