Cheeks red and aching from laughter, we headed to the car.
I could feel little fingers wiggling through the mittens that met my hands and tried to slow their excitement as it seemed we were moving up and down instead of forwards.
After as many snow-tubing runs as we could manage, we were still giggling over the rush of the afternoon when I saw the pink touch of cloud.
I felt her there just as strongly as the tiny hands in mine and I had to swallow back tears.
But they were not tears of guilt or sadness… they were tears of I’m doing this.
Tears of this-is-what-living-is-like.
And tears of she’s-smiling-down.
Because I know, with every fiber of my broken heart, my daughter is watching over our family.
I know there is nothing more she would want than a mom who’s not afraid to tube down an insanely steep hill and a daddy who is there to laugh with her at the bottom.
I remember the early days of grief, so raw that living the life stretched before me without Hadley seemed unfathomable.
I connected with moms who were in the place I am in now, years away from the day they said goodbye, and could not imagine ever reaching the place they had arrived… that of stepping with one foot and easily bringing the other after it, not a thought borrowed for walking or breathing or getting out of bed each day.
At some point, I realized that moving forward did not mean I was leaving my daughter behind.
I will forever remember her with tears but it is the good times in life that I tuck her memory close and take her spirit right along with me.
The higher the hill the closer her heart to mine.
Powered by Facebook Comments
That must have been so much fan! Where did you et those gliding cushions? They look pretty awesome! I wish we had a lot of snow as well…
Christa the BabbyMama says
She is definitely looking down – and no doubt smiling to see you happy!
I hope so :).
julie gardner says
I love love love your words about moving forward not meaning leaving Hadley behind; and that the higher the mountain, the closer your are to her heart.
But I think the line that hit me hardest was the idea that at one time you had to borrow thoughts to walk, breathe, get out of bed. Sharing this with others who are grieving MUST help them feel a little less alone as they borrow strength from you and your journey.
So here’s to pink skies and the certainty that she is with you.
You are the best Julie, I hope it does comfort others somehow. I think just as we compare ourselves in other things I’ve compared my grief to others too and thought “is this normal? Should I be doing better than this?” So I hope someone else does read this and know that yes, it is that bad but it will get better. Much love to you.
Beautiful. I love “the higher the hill the closer her heart to mine.” Love you.
Donna Spears says
I can feel that there’s happiness in your heart.
It’s a bittersweet feeling. I’m teary now because I can relate to that situation (not my situation but my cousin’s).
love and hugs for you!
Oh, what a beautiful and inspirational writing. I pray for you and I am thankful your heart is finding peace. Thank you for making this honest post
Thank you so much Courtney
Missy @ Wonder, Friend says
So proud of you and what you share.
Jenni & Andy says
I hadn’t thought of it before, but I’m pretty sure every time I see pink-tinged skies now I’m going to think of little girls on high…
It was gorgeous, the whole sky was blue but there was a little spot of pink.
I love you and how you share all the pieces of your heart. xo
Corey Feldman says
Beautiful post. The tubing looked like fun!
It was wild, we flew down that hill much faster than I thought we would, thank goodness the kids liked it.
You Know it Happens at Your House Too says
You blow me away Jessica. Your words and your heart are so amazing and so beautiful. Much love to you. xoxo
I’m so glad we’ve met and connected, you are such an amazing support and friend. xo
Thank you for this.
How you ended it was by far my favorite part, “The higher the hill the closer her heart to mine.” It is so true and so beautiful. She will always be there with you.
Kathy at kissing the frog says
This is just beautiful Jessica. It seems to me like I remember Joey in our best times, too. I think about how much fun he would be having if he were here with us, and I feel almost like the reason I am thinking of him so much is because he IS here with us. I think about him all the time, of course, but more so in the fun family times.
That’s always been a big struggle for me, I think of Hadley during a good time and then I start to go downhill a bit instead of being able to stay in the moment and enjoy things. I think I might finally be moving passed that feeling.
Trish (Superlittletales) says
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read this, I just love it so much. Just warms my heart
Ginger Kay says
Beautifully said, Jessica. I pray your words are a comfort to those who bear that same grief. I know they are a blessing to those of us who wish to understand what we hope to never experience.
Thank you Ginger, I know it was so hard in the beginning for me to ever imagine there would be days like this so I hope it helps others somehow.
Beautiful post. I know that Hadley is with you too just like Sawyer and Jake are with me. I have been a bit “stuck” lately but trying to move forward. Thank you for sharing the “pink touch of cloud”. xoxo
I’m sorry you’ve been stuck, I know everything comes in waves and I hope a better one comes for you very soon. xo
Rach (DonutsMama) says
Oh that line, that moving forward does not mean leaving her behind. That right there sums it up. Life somehow has to go on and it’s so hard because we don’t feel like it’s right. But I think there’s always a part that can carry them forward with us on the journey.
I completely agree, for a long time it was hard for me to move forward at all because I felt like I was moving further away from the days she was here but, thankfully, the days are much easier now.
This made me cry. So happy for you. I’m sure Hadley is very, very proud of you!
I hope so, the more I think about her watching over us and what she would want to see, the easier it is to be genuinely happy.
This took my breath away. Healing after heartbreak is such an amazing thing. Thank you for sharing!