The year after my daughter passed away I never left the house. I took care of my three living children without complaint. I denied the need for a break or a babysitter or earplugs and I told myself I was enjoying every single second because these little people could be taken from me without a moments notice.
I stopped writing and venting about life and felt a stab of guilt when I hinted at the difficulties of juggling motherhood. My children were mine, their lives were more fragile than I ever thought possible and I was going to love getting up at 2, 4 and 7 am, eating dinner while standing and losing track of the last time I showered.
It took me years to return to sanity, to admit that not every day was perfect and claim my lack of patience by naptime. Do I look back on those days and consider them my most valiant of parenting? Absolutely not. I look back and wish I could tell myself there were other moms out there in the thick of motherhood and maybe I should talk to a few of them. I was in an unhealthy place of shock and grief and coping. I was not soaring ahead as supermom, I was drowning in grief and fear that I wasn’t appreciating my children enough.
The new book I am part of “I Just Want to Pee Alone” has already come under criticism as a book of “mommy bloggers” complaining about their children. I’m trying not to take offense to this but it’s not working. I have learned to balance enjoying my children with being human. Does this mean I’m going to smile while washing something off the wall while praying it is chocolate? Not today.
Tomorrow I will laugh about it, but today I will turn to my mom-friends and say oh my gosh you guys who does this? and they will say things like one time my kid made a poo-pyramid and I just found Spiderman underwear hidden behind the toilet and then I will feel better and I will go back to this parenting gig refreshed because I’m not alone.
I will read the same story eight gazillion times and text a friend to let her know I hid the book after the kids went to sleep and I will set off the smoke detector while making play dough and tell the story on Facebook.
My favorite story from my own childhood is the one where I escaped naked out the backdoor while my mom filled the bathtub or maybe the one when my mom threatened to run away with the Girl Scout cookie money. I can’t decide.
The stories that make us human, the true, honest, raw stories of this crazy journey through motherhood, are the ones I love the most. They are the ones I need to hear when it’s noon and I could swear it’s almost bedtime.
I’m pretty sure I can speak for every one of my co-authors and say we love our children more fiercely than we ever imagined possible and sharing the stories we are honored to have in this book doesn’t make us unappreciative or unloving, it just makes us real.
And ready to do it all again tomorrow.
You can buy “I Just Want to Pee Alone” all kinds of ways…
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I LOVE your book. It holds stories of raw honesty, and no one can take that away from you guys. Thank you for sharing your struggles.
How did I miss this post?! This is perfect, gosh I love it so much.
I am not a blogger but I am a mom and I read blogs and what you just posted makes me want to run out right now and buy this book you are a part of! CONGRATS!! You should be proud of yourself…your kids sure will be-when they are old enough to realize you were able to produce and publish a book while you were wrangling, uh raising, them! I am past the “little kid’ years. My son is 9 (going on 16). I post about him regularly on Facebook…he cracks me up constantly, and frustrates me at times, so while I don’t blog, I’m thinking that same judgemental person would be horrified of the things I say publically about my kiddo. Motherhood is a fun roller coaster ride, and if you can’t make light of the crazy moments you will make yourself crazy…so here is to YOU, Four Plus an Angel, and the other contributors to your book and to all the bloggers out there who help those of us reading and living in the same universe called Mommy World feel normal, who make us laugh, who build us up…Mommies everywhere salute you!
I think this is one of the best comments I have ever received Allison. Honestly, I can’t thank you enough. I might just have to print it out and put it up somewhere to remind me that I’m doing just fine. Thank you.
I am so excited about this book!!!! Squee! Congratulations!!!
I am so sorry to hear it is being criticized in that way. And I’m so sorry to hear what a difficult first year you had after the loss of your daughter.
This post is beautifully poignant and I completely agree. I can see how an outsider or even a mom who’s children are grown would look at the blogging community and think that it’s complaints. But it isn’t, it’s exactly what you said, a camaraderie. I do love and cherish every day with my son because I am painfully aware of how short life can be. But I also think it’s ok and refreshing to admit that not every single moment is perfect. Blogging has meant so much to me because in the beautiful, exhausting isolating world of parenting young children, you sometimes just need someone else who “gets it.” Thank you so much for being one of the amazing ones who does. xoxo
Congratulations! And also, yes, if only we could all find a way to offer support, not snark or judgment.
I’m not a parent so it’s not just about “moms supporting each other,” but more about outing the judgmental and critical haters….nice rebuttal here 4+…well done.
I’m not a parent so it’s not just about “moms supporting each other,” but more about outing the judgmental and critical haters….nice rebuttal here 4+…well done.
http://www.facebook.com/the.braja.sorensen
Moms are the easiest to criticize because none of us will ever live up to the mythical martyr that is “Mother”. Sharing stories is what keeps us sane… it’s what women have done since the dawn of our existence… just in secret caves, or tents, or “book club”.
Now we have the internet.
Some people are uncomfortable with “mommy bloggers” and criticize in an attempt to shame us into secrecy again.
I love your stories. If I had a tent, you’d be in it… except with a bullhorn.
I totally want to be in your tent as long as we don’t have to actually be outside. Can our tent be in a hotel?
Thank you for being so real and sharing it so beautifully! xoxo
What a perfect response and bravo to you for keeping it classy…I would have lost my mind and responded with a lot of swearing.
My parenting reality is that I love my son more than anything in the world but there have been moments (more than I care to admit to) that my kid has, and continues, to make me insane. That makes me human, not a terrible mom. Finding the humour in those situations helps me to cope…and sharing them makes me realize I am not alone 🙂
Can we all accept, as one big ol’ vast internet, that laughter is indeed the best medicine? And I propose a universal agreement. If some humor falls flat with you or a joke doesn’t tickle your funny bone, just click away. High horses induce nose bleeds . . . and isolation.
Well said, Jessica.
Ellen
Can we all accept, as one big ol’ vast internet, that laughter is indeed the best medicine? And I propose a universal agreement. If a joke falls flat with you, just quietly click away.
Well said, Jessica.
Ellen
Can we all accept, as one big ol’ vast internet, that laughter is indeed the best medicine? And I propose a universal agreement. If a joke falls flat with you, just quietly click away.
Well said, Jessica.
Ellen
Brilliant. Honest. Kick Ass Post.
There is nothing more beautiful than being able to identify with another human being…being able to say -“OH, you feel that way, too. I didn’t know! You mean I’m not craaaaazy?”
The women who are bashing this book are judgemental and narrow minded. I would NEVER in a million years live up to their standards or desire to be friends w/ them.
Believe me, I know women like this. I usually call them fake Bit#%es behind their backs !!
You are a class act. This is beautiful.
You’re a true inspiration, Jessica. I would have lost my shit in a heartbeat at hearing the criticism, but you always keep it classy! Well done, Mama!
The critics are the “before”, the ones in la-la land who refuse to admit it’s hard. They’re the ones who haven’t yet realized that to give all of yourself to your kids is to deny them the lesson that taking care of yourself is IMPORTANT. They’re the ones who can’t be real and who feel they must live up to some bullshit ideal. And they’ll judge you into submission until you feel guilty for ever losing patience, raising your voice, saying “no”, etc. How will our kids ever accept that THEY will never be perfect if all we do is pretend to be perfect? I’m the “after”, I strive to do better every day. But I know that perfection is an illusion. I HAVE to take care of myself or I have nothing to give to my kids. That includes complaining to my friends, reading funny blogs, working out, and sometimes just closing a door.
Beautifully articulated response. I HAD to find the post and respond, but your response found the perfect tone.
Heartbreaking and beautiful. Very well said.
Funny, I just posted a bitchy mom post last night. A night where I was all by myself and my kids decided to tag team my patience. If I didn’t have bloggers like you to commiserate with, I’d have lost my mind ages ago. Screw these people who put a glossy superficial image of motherhood as tea parties and pixie dust, sandboxes and toy trains. This shit is HARD and it’s thankless. However, when I read these posts, I never feel my colleagues are hating on their kids, I feel more that they are so deeply into this roller coaster ride, they just need to come up for air every once in a while. If you don’t laugh at this journey, all that’s left is crying in a corner, but even if you do that, the little bastards are going to find you anyways.
Beautifully said, Jessica! Truly. As one who was on the receiving end of some really hateful comments for a humor essay I wrote about circumcising my son, I know how horrible it feels when complete strangers call you out in public accusing you of not caring for your children. As if. As every parent knows, this is the hardest job you’ll ever do, with the longest, craziest hours and the most demanding “boss.” We laugh at ourselves and our kids as we bumble along so we don’t end up screaming in the rubber room instead. Jen of PIWTPITT said it best when she said, “I write so I don’t kill.” We’ve all been there. So Sancti-Mommies, take an effing chill pill. And maybe a refresher lit course so you can ID things like satire and sarcasm.
After years of infertility treatments we adopted two beautiful children. They have brought joy to our lives, even as they enjoy hearing again how they took all of my clean underwear and paraded around the house in it; were having too much fun to get potty trained (on my schedule); made holes in the walls on our new house with a hammer (helping Mommy to fix things!). I also had my son run around the house outside seven times when he was three to avoid damaging more than his ego; who knew he could count so well and so loudly as he finished each lap?
They have both grown up to be every parents dream; good people! They are kind, generous, and smart, and I will NEVER apologize for always loving them but not always liking them. Not enough parents are willing to lovingly discipline their child, thereby eliminating the need for future discipline.
Funny, I just posted a “bitch” about my kids last night. I couldn’t do it without you girls. To know I am not alone. We are in this together, and if you face criticism from other moms who state they love every moment of raising children, just know they are liars and will break soon. I think I am a better mom from my bitching, it helps to put life in perspective, and more than anything, it helps to let other mothers know that raising kids is HARD and you are never alone.
Just when I thought I couldn’t love you any more than I already do – and you come out with this!!! So perfect! Thank you!
Lady, you are the epitome of class. I could learn a lot from you. So well said. I’m so glad I found you and the rest of my tribe!! Much love.
This is a refreshing view on how we all feel, thank you. We all feel the need to be supermom, but in the end we are all human and we need our fellow moms to support us, not attack us. It is normal (and human) to feel frustrated and at the end of our rope one day only to be laughing about it the next day. If we could not laugh our way through motherhood, we would snap.
Love this SO HARD. You captured exactly why so-called “Mommy Bloggers” do what they do. I’ve grown to love this community of bloggers and the friends I have made since I started.
Being a mom is the most difficult job in the world, of course there are moments you will love it and hate it. Anyone who says other wise has better drugs than the rest of us.
Beautiful post… and like I said before, I am just giddy for you and your new book.
Beautifully put. You inspire me, lady!!
First of all, you all rock for taking part in that book. I am so proud of you…squeee
Secondly, moms need to know that other moms are just like them…winging it. Why can’t we just accept that parenting is hard. We crapped out kids from our vaginas and yes we have a right to say whatever the hell we want.
I love this book. It is fun to turn to after a day of life. It’s a fabulous break. Anything that anyone does is going to be attacked. I keep wondering, why do others need to attack? What do they get out of it? Why can’t we just be happy for you and your bloggers for bringing laughter back to motherhood? I am proud of you ladies! Rock on, Mommy Bloggers!
Perfectly written. Thank you for putting this out there — for all moms.
Right on and beautifully written…we are all in this together. Kindness and laughter are the keys to parenting! You are an amazing woman…love this! Xo. DG
I will admit that when I first saw the title of the book and read what is was about, I decided I didn’t want to read a book like that. I have a 5 year old son who I am fiercely grateful for but just lost our second son during pregnancy whom we had been waiting years for. I would give anything to feel those hard days again with no sleep and wiping butts. But when I started to judge I realized that I didn’t see the beauty of that time when I was in the thick of it. It was just hard to be up in the middle of the night rocking my screaming baby who was teething, discovering he rubbed desitin into the carpet during naptime, and finding that he used a permanent marker to draw a huge mural on my new carpet while I was on the phone with our insurance company. It is easy to laugh at those times now or long for the days when I was up rocking a newborn all night because I have a different perspective now. I am sure my new perspective is completely idealized and if I am ever so blessed to be able to go through those times again, (I am not sure I can with my infertility) I am sure I will be reminded about how trying those days really can be. I am each day praying for more compassion for young moms in the hard first years with little ones instead of just being jealous and judging them for not loving every moment.
I also wish this space for us was kinder and gentler. I’ve never understood the mean girls who attack.
if motherhood is the hardest job on the planet then aren’t we allowed to air our grievances? Why do we need to feign perfection? Our children are not saints, and neither are we. The sooner we just own up to our flaws, blunders and crazy happenings, then our children will appreciate our humanity and have a better grasp on life altogether. Does that make sense? Anyway, you are beautiful Jessica and so is this piece.
Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly love you more…Kaboom!
I can not ever imagine anyone accusing YOU of complaining about your children just because you are human. That is clearly someone that does not know what they are talking about.
This is perfect. Just perfect. We have to be able to vent about the bad stuff AND share the good stuff. It’s what keeps us sane. Big hugs to you!
Beautifully put. The real honesty is in admitting we’re human, isn’t it?
Beautifully put. Poop pyramids and all. 🙂
Rarely are poop pyramids and beautiful in the same sentence. This comment took talent :).
Very well said Jessica. You certainly know better than anyone how quickly things can change, but to try to live in that state would be very overwhelming. Despite its fragility, life does still happen. Hugs for a great post.-The Dose Girls
Very well said Jessica. You certainly know better than anyone how quickly things can change, but to try to live in that state would be very overwhelming. Despite its fragility, life does still happen. Hugs for a great post.-The Dose Girls
Anytime the truth is written it comes under attack. If you’re getting the attention of an audience that this book is not intended for (people who don’t appreciate reality and live in a rainbow laden fantasy land), then it means you’ve been so successful that you’re getting everyone’s attention 😉
I’m glad to see the context you put this in because sometimes when I blog about my reality, I feel guilty that someone, somewhere has lost a child… but then I get women who thank me for what I put out there, so it’s hard to know what’s right. I feel bad for friend’s of mine who have been in the place you were that they feel they can’t be human because of what they’ve lost. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, but just want to say that you seem like such an amazing person!
Big hugs, Jess. BIG.
This is just… perfect, even though every moment of motherhood is not.
Support, understanding and acceptance get us women, us mothers, us human beings a lot further than anything else.
Perfectly put, Jess. Perfectly put.