Friday night I sorted clothes and toys and baby gear, surrounding myself in hills of “to sell” “to give away” and “I will never be able to part with’s.” Just as my hands slipped through baby snaps and my heart began to tug, I heard a familiar phrase coming from atop the stairs.
“Moommmm, someone peed on the toilet paper. Againnnnn.”
And with that my nostalgia was replaced with a reminder that I have two fully potty trained boys. Boys with bad aim, but potty-trained nonetheless. Any yearning for one more baby to fill those tiny clothes was squelched at the thought of potty training another male. So I thought, since I survived, I would give you my completely-not-expert tips on how to do the same.
1. Watch. Out. If you have not already learned this from the insane amount of diapers you have changed in the past several years, you will learn it now. Boys shoot far and wide, vertical and horizontal, and the excitement of peeing freely adds at least a foot of distance to their stream.
2. The most important phrase you will ever teach your son is “point it down.” See #1.
3. Do not go anywhere fun. Boys would much rather pee down their leg or poop on the sidewalk than ever, ever, stop what they are doing to head to a bathroom.
4. If you choose to take the risk of allowing your barely potty trained son to go to any type of playground, indoor playscape or birthday party in big boy underpants, be prepared to hear other children say one or more of the following phrases:
“Who is stinky?”
“My socks are wet.”
“Someone spilled something.”
“Watch out for the poo.”
Do not pause and wonder why any of these statements are being made. It is because of your son (see #3). Pull him out of wherever he is hiding and get out of there before you have to endure the wailing cries of all children involved as the play area is shut down for decontamination.
5. Stock up on rewards. Like all men, they need a pat on the back. When training my daughter, once she “got it” I was able to fade out the stickers and candy and she had continued success. My son? Not so much. I envision a conversation with his future wife in which I gently break it to her that he requires one M&M for going #1 and two M&M’s for going #2 in which she promptly returns her engagement ring and I have it made into a piece of jewelry to reward myself for making it through all these years.
You are now ready to begin the task that may seem to have no end. Although keep in mind, the minute you get over-confident and let him pee standing up, this whole process will begin again. Your bathroom will become a shooting range with marked targets such as the floor, the wall and the corner opposite the toilet (I will never figure out how it gets over there).
Just in case this post makes you completely trust my judgement, you may want to hear more from me and some of my favorite friends and buy our book! You will laugh until you cry or possibly stop crying to laugh with stories from these hilarious ladies:
People I Want to Punch in the Throat
Insane in the Mom Brain
The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
Rants From Mommyland
You Know it Happens at Your House Too
The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess
My Life and Kids
Bad Parenting Moments
Let Me Start By Saying
Binkies and Briefcases
Kelley’s Break Room
Toulouse & Tonic
Hollow Tree Ventures
The Fordeville Diaries
Snarkfest Mom’s New Stage
Nurse Mommy Laughs
The Dose of Reality
The Mom of the Year
Life on Peanut Layne
Momaical Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine
Confessions of a Cornfed Girl
I Love Them Most When They’re Sleeping
You’re My Favorite Today
Funny is Family My Real Life
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