When I was pregnant with the triplets I dreamt of the normalcy of their childhood. I’m sure normal and raising triplets don’t usually belong in the same sentence but in my mind they would.
I looked forward to sitting still with a cup of coffee and a mom-friend, watching our kids at dance class or a baseball game. Ashlyn was 12 at the time and I had yet to sit down. We had worked on potty training for long enough that I’d blocked it out of my memory, adopted velcro as our only shoe option and never ventured into a play place where I couldn’t fit through the tubes, one step behind her.
My daydream for the triplets was that my biggest worry would be piles of laundry and grade-level homework.
Five years of reality later and I have yet to sit on that bench with a coffee-sipping friend. After losing one daughter and then working through the special needs of another I find myself right here, three feet from my five year-old so she can participate in the least demanding of dance classes, swatting away “normal.”
I want to say that I have accepted there will be no dance recitals and no birthday parties without a heap of anxiety on the side. I’m dying to pretend I never think about the unknowing pregnant me of the past, belly full, dreaming about a life that was never going to happen. But it just doesn’t work that way. I know I have to move through it all, the motions of accepting where we’re going and where we aren’t.
I pulled out the last of my ballet moves for living room lessons tonight. We pirouetted and stopped when McKenna got tired and I tried to remember the name for that little step where your feet tip toe around each other but she couldn’t dance through her giggles. Ashlyn got mad because we were too loud so we followed her stomping feet up to her room and talked to her with headphones in her ears because that’s what you get around here. You get love.
The same love I planned on giving when my pregnant belly was full of dreams. Maybe more.
There’s nothing as rewarding as a smile you have to fight for.
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YOu’re a great mom. Take it one day at a time. Don’t worry about that coffee, you can try and have play date at your house with one of your child’s friend and mom and have some adult conversation. I did this while my son was young and alternated with his friend mom. This really help me with my self care part of my life. We all deserve to live, love and laugh………. Take care.
Accepting where we’re going and where we aren’t…
Yes, that. Me too. I just hadn’t been able to say it quite so well.
I just want you to know that I want to be here way more than I actually am. I stress about missing out on all my friends’ posts and how life sweeps me up and carries me away.
This was beautiful, and you’re a beautiful mom.
When I was pregnant, losing one of my triplets never crossed my mind.
Not for one minute.
I was going to deliver on Christmas Day at 32w4d (the average gestation).
And that was that.
Life has other plans.
I’ve often been asked “Did I never think that it could be a reality?”
I ask myself the same question.
I guess it’s the brains way of coping.
That and the natural instincts of a Mother.
Besos, Sarah
Blogger at Journeys of The Zoo
When I was pregnant, losing one of my triplets never crossed my mind.
Not for one minute.
I was going to deliver on Christmas Day at 32w4d (the average gestation).
And that was that.
Life has other plans.
I’ve often been asked “Did I never think that it could be a reality?”
I ask myself the same question.
I guess it’s the brains way of coping.
That and the natural instincts of a Mother.
So happy to have met you.
Besos, Sarah
Blogger at Journeys of The Zoo
Lovely. Such love for your kids without irony or lack of respect. You won’t miss the coffee as much as you think you will. 🙂
I don’t know how you grab so much beautiful and scatter it so wonderfully through all your posts, but, you do. Your love pours out of your fingers so gracefully. Another perfect post.
Beautiful post! Reality can be so bittersweet. I wish I could be on that bench with you sipping coffee.
I had bought big brother and big sister books for our twins when I was pregnant with Sawyer. I thought I had packed them away but I must have forgotten. The twins pulled the books out to read at bed time. My tears over hearing those books read washed over my pride that they are actually reading by themselves.
As always thank you for sharing. Sending you hope and hugs. xo
Effortlessly eloquent, no matter what the sentiment. Love this.
There’s nothing I could say that is more poignant and true than what you already said, “There’s nothing as rewarding as a smile you have to fight for.”
oh yes, the dream vs the reality. i’m still finding myself juggling that though with my 5th, i should’ve had the experience to know better 😉
sounds like you handle it all with grace and a wonderful sense of humor!
And I shall hope that, for your tomorrow, your biggest worry is the pile of laundry as you sip your coffee slowly.
You parent with such grace, Jessica, and your words bless so many people, so many other moms who need to hear your words and see the beauty in your dance.
Beautiful. And considerably more mature than my yelling of “This is not what I signed on for” at my husband this morning while all 3 of my kids were screaming and melting down. I’ll have to remind myself to use your approach more often.
This is beautiful and tender, and it’s written with the grace I know you bring to your family every day. Dance recitals aren’t the only way to bring music and beauty into your lives, and your picture of McKenna shows that so well.
A smile you have to fight for….gah…send tissues.
Love you
Once again, I am speechless by your grace.
Oh hon..beautiful. You dance this dance so beautifully.