Mark and I escaped on a rare date night over the weekend and shopped with no timeline. We wandered through aisles looking for a few missing pieces for the kids’ rooms and I was caught off guard by how much we don’t need any more. I tried to cure my longing for all things small by walking passed a Diaper Genie or two and they almost banished the thought of cradling one more diapered butt in my hands.
McKenna’s new room is close to finished. It’s part a heavily-negotiated shade of pink and equal part this-is-the-darkest-color-you-are-allowed-to-get shade of purple.
This is her first room room. She shared a nursery with her brother and then a sort of toddler bed/mattresses-every-which-way space in our last house when she and her brothers couldn’t decide if they wanted to sleep next to each other or with one toe in the other’s ear.
I laid on her bed tonight and looked around and could remember being exactly this. I remember being five and half going on fifteen and knowing what I wanted and carrying a purse half-zipped with cherry Chapstick and Rainbow Brite inside.
I’m pretty sure being too old and not old enough is when you start looking at the back of your door when you’re in your room because you want to be, and pondering deep thoughts. I’m also pretty sure there is a chapter in a parenting book I never read that says this is the beginning of wistful thinking and unanswerable questions.
While she decided if she liked her piggy bank facing front or to the side, the room was just enough quiet for McKenna’s thoughts to tip toe out.
“Mommy, if you have another baby will you keep it or send it back?”
“My tummy can’t have any more babies but if I did I would keep it of course, you silly.”
“But why did you send Hadley back and keep us?”
“I wanted to keep all of you but I only got to keep Hadley in my heart.”
“I don’t think Hadley growed up like I did, Mommy.”
“You don’t? Do you think she is still a baby?”
“Yes Mommy, the clouds can hold babies better. And then you always have a baby in your heart because your tummy can’t have one.”
Sometimes, years and years later, the wistfulness remains but your questions find answers.
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So many posts i am catching on today over here need comments, need a nod or a virtual hug … but this one, this one speaks so much heart and for this one i must linger longer xxxx
Thank you so much for spending some time here and reading. Sending a million hugs back.
Such a beautiful, SMART little lady. 🙂
That is one wise little girl. With a beautiful room, and awesome taste in colors (I heart purple).
You must have a very special relationship with your little fairy, such a beautiful story you’ve shared…
Man, this is just beautiful, Jess. You really made me think about how I used to close my bedroom door and just daydream, and then you showed me the wisdom of your child just when I wasn’t expecting it. And yours too, of course. Love.
I think your babies are beautiful…even the one that sweetly in heaven.
Congrats on the big girl room. Time for the Justin Beiber posters
Beautiful! I agree that this should have come with a tear warning. I think it’s wonderful that your daughter knew she could share her feelings with you and that you handled them so beautifully. Thank you so much for sharing this! 🙂
Oh I remember those days in my room as a little girl too…
Your girl sure is sweet, profound and pretty. 🙂
Whoa. I wasn’t expecting that dialogue. I’m just blown away. We have a similar conversation with our three year old about “Grandpa Hal.” My wife finds is disorienting sometimes that she’s catching up with him, and soon will be older than he ever was. You captured this so beautifully.
Wow! That was so beautiful and touching. Children just have this way about them that they touch on the most intrinsic things in our lives without even knowing it.
i’m crying, jess. i had a conversation with izzy last night…and i didn’t know what to say and i didn’t handle it well…she said (in the midst of a lengthy tantrum that lasted long after bedtime),
“Mommy, you don’t know what it’s like to be me.”
We are dealing with a new/tentative ADD diagnosis and she’s been difficult to deal with and I’m all new to this. I need to educate myself. ANd I know she is so smart and things she thinks and says….sometimes slay me.
Thank you for sharing this. Love you.
What a wise young lady you are raising.
Oh my… crying along with the rest of everyone. I don’t know what else to say except you are obviously raising a compassionate and intuitive little girl.
Much like the other women said…this one made me cry. To “hear” that special conversation between you and your daughter is a privilege. Thank you so much for sharing! Your girl has such a sweet heart!!
Oh my. Wistful thoughts, unanswerable questions and a baby hat in a shadow box.
There is so much love here, Jess. Enough to fill the hearts of everyone who reads this.
I love that color combo. McKenna is lucky. I remember that age too of purses and girlhood, but I never felt like I could pull it off. 🙂
You just stole my breath away! Oh, my heart. Beautiful. Just…so beautiful.
Oh goodness, so beautiful but heart-wrenching at the same time, thinking of two sisters not growing up together.
Wow!The new room looks pretty awesome! Such a girly space, I wish I could paint our home with pink as well…although I fell sceptic about hubby’s reaction:)
Kids are so smart, aren’t they? They have a way of putting things that completely make sense. I love her pink and purple taste! Is that her hat or Hadley’s?
It’s the last hat that Hadley wore, Kathy. Mark actually had the idea to put it in a shadow box with a triplet pin we were given. So glad he did.
She’s a beautiful girl
Oh this one got me Jessica! I have recently had a very similar conversation with my five year old son. He talks about Kathryn all the time, asks me these types of questions. Or will randomly say “I wish we had two babies. I wish Kathryn was here.” They are so funny and sweet and innocent, yet as Sherri says, wise.
Incidentally, I absolutely love the framed baby hat. What a lovely idea.
xoxo
Oh, she is wise beyond her years isn’t she? So sweet…and I love her room!