Four Plus an Angel

Life after loss with one teenager, two surviving triplets and a rainbow baby

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The secret of motherhood

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the secret to motherhood

I dug out our copy of The Kissing Hand in hopes it will work on the child who seems immune to its message. On Friday I peeled Sawyer’s hands from behind my neck and left him in the arms of his loving, nurturing, patient, amazing, preschool teacher. The quick goodbye strategy had worked for Ashlyn and eventually for Parker. I waited in the hall for his cries to lull and the program director, familiar with the trail of kids I brought to orientation, commented on the fact that I must be a pro at this by now.

An hour later the teacher called to say Sawyer was still crying and would not let anyone comfort him. We decided to wait a bit longer and a half hour after she called again to let me know he was increasingly upset and asked what I would like to do. Whatever my decision she would follow along, she trusted my motherly instinct and it was up to me.

Today Sawyer’s feet drew lines in the carpet as he dragged them along and he turned away from the morning in my lap. I carried him back to bed and watched his eyes debate on sleep and his yawn stop at a small “o” on his lips, an older, longer version of the face I nursed back to sleep, drunk on milk and baby dreams. When he woke up again we counted the days until his cousin’s birthday and decided on breakfast and staying in pajamas because it’s the weekend.

I have no idea what to tell his teacher. My motherly instinct is failing over issues beyond feeding hungry people and putting to bed sleepy ones. I had big plans for a well-adjusted youngest child who would smile and wave as I dropped him off at school but instead I peeled him off the floor during Circle Time and carried him, puffy-eyed, to the car.

As a mom, I know I am not allowed unrealistic dreams but I would like it all to be simple. I want to wave one bus passed with my teenager on it and another by as my son heads to kindergarten and drop off a happy little preschooler before beginning McKenna’s homeschool routine. I want a how-to guide on not scarring them for life and a hotline for the days I can’t even decide between paper or plastic.

I’ve amending my list of Things No One Tells You About Being A Mom to include #5,820: Sometimes you will have no clue what you are doing. Because seriously, I’ve got nothing. Just like everything else, we will get through and some day laugh over how much he hated his first week but loved his second or shake our heads at the meltdown that cemented his years of homeschooling. By then my blog will be collecting dust and my kids can come back to read the biggest secret in all of motherhood:

I might look like I know what I’m doing but I’m just winging it until someone smiles.

making kids smile

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  1. You know this already, but you’re doing great!

    I view you as a hero from your very first start as a young single mom to now, and every step of the way in between.

  2. You’re absolutely right – parenting is hard! I really thought things would get easier as my kids got older. Nope. They got harder. I’m currently single parenting my 3 girls (15, 13, 10). I’m looking forward to getting married in April and having someone to bounce ideas around with.

    As you clearly know, every child is different and has different needs. If Sawyer needs to be homeschooled for preschool, you can do it. If Parker needs a different school, you will find it. I’ve been lurking reading your blog for a year, and I’m incredibly impressed with your parenting. You’re so in tune with your kids!

    I’ve been juggling “fair” lately. Oldest has an IEP and is getting amazing services and is outgoing with lots of friends. Youngest could use a gifted program, but is so incredibly social that she loves school even when it’s easy. Middle is an extreme introvert and has hated school for 2 years, but recently moved to a Charter school she loves. Sadly, 8th grade is its top grade, so we have to find a high school for her. Is paying for a private high school for her fair when her sisters (who would hate a small school) go to public? I would love to go back to the days of cloth vs disposable, etc!

  3. Aww! This really hits home for me. I homeschool my kids, and they started a new enrichment program yesterday where there is a nursery for the younger children who don’t attend the classes and require care (the parents attend class with their students). For our first day, my husband was able to stay home with her, but next week, she’ll be going to the nursery, and I am DREADING it. She’s never been in any sort of day-care situation. When we left yesterday, there was a little boy – probably around 2 years old – just screaming his head off, clawing his way over the half-door trying to get out. His little face was red and covered in tears, and he was crying so hard I thought he would throw up. I felt so sorry for him, and his mommy.

    I really, really hope that my babe doesn’t cry like that.

    And I hope that you and your little one are having a better week.

  4. Oh babe.
    I am right there with you. It is so hard. So hard.
    The kissing hand works wonders. It really does. When I drop my son off at school, he kisses my hand and I kiss his. You wouldn’t believe how comforting this is to them…and to me too 🙂

    A mom suggested to me buying or picking out similar rocks. Your child keeps one and you keep the other. They can put it in their pocket or in their backpack and when they miss you, they put the rock in their hands.

    It will get better. I promise you. Promise.

  5. “I might look like I know what I’m doing but I’m just winging it until someone smiles.” Exactly. Thanks for putting it into words. And for helping me feel less alone in this whole mothering gig.

  6. I’d love to see a show of hands as to how many mother’s DON’T feel clueless, and never feel like they are making things up as they go. Knowing this in my head, I still feel like I am the only one who feels this way. Thanks for a great reminder. As for the preschool/Kissing Hand dilemma- wow, that is such a rough one. I remember going through it with my oldest daughter. It took a lot of time, but it finally stopped and she began to thrive in preschool. But it was heartbreaking getting there.

  7. Gosh, Jessica.. What a tough spot to be in! I hope Sawyer gets the hang of it soon..

    Did I read right, Parker and Sawyer are in school but you homeschool McKenna? Sorry if this is brazen, but is there a reason for the divide? Maybe I missed the explanation in an earlier post but I’m just curious 🙂

  8. As I was reading this I couldn’t help but think about my current baby, my Oscar. His sibs are all in school and he has another year home with me…it’s going to be rough on him. I’m already imagining those carpet lines and the dragging. You’re so right. He’s my fourth. But sometimes you just don’t know. Some bridges are new and you have to figure out how to cross them even if you’ve been over that water before. xo.

  10. I love that last line!! I have a stinking degree in child development. I thought that motherhood would be so easy because I knew so much about kids. I was so incredibly wrong! I think a lot of times we are all just winging it, but try to remind myself that if, at the end of the day, we are all (relatively) happy, safe, and healthy then we are doing o.k. and tomorrow is always a new day! 🙂

  11. Uh, my comment was supposed to be longer, and my computer went BOOM. I totally feel most days like I have no idea what I’m doing. This morning, as my oldest wept in a closet because his brother took a pillow he wanted, I stood in the kitchen, praying and asking, What is my role? How do I stop this? Not just how do I stop this, but how do I help him learn to deal with disappointment? So sorry for the struggle, but thanks for sharing as encouragement to us all. 🙂

  13. Beautiful post. Winging it right a long with you! Alyssa does not like 1st grade. She was fine in kindergarten but so far this year has been a challenge.

    Sending hugs, hope and smiles to Sawyer (and you). xoxo

  14. I love this so much. I am very nervous for my Kinley to start school…She is still so shy and reserved around other kids. I get such a sinking feeling in my gut thinking about just preschool next year and hoping she lets me leave and she makes friends. When you become a mother, they don’t prepare you for this stuff! Fortunately it seems it will pass, but the ‘happening now’ part is pure torture. I’m cheering for you! You know your kids, so I’m sure you’ll figure out what’s best for them in time.

  15. This post is poetry. I’m sorry that Sawyer had such a hard time, and his actions didn’t meet your expectations. I know how that goes. I thought this motherhood gig would be a lot easier than it ended up being.

  16. “I might look like I know what I’m doing but I’m just winging it until someone smiles.” That was somewhat my motto with starting a photography business! I’ve gained a little traction in that department, but parenting…I often don’t know what I’m doing. Somehow, we still raise these beautiful and wise children. Love is some powerful stuff.

  17. You are one of the most tuned in moms I know. Whatever you decide, even if it feels like a complete leap of faith, will be made with his best interest at heart so, it will be “right”. Whatever “right” is.

  18. Oh this kills me! Separation anxiety is the worst. Makes you want to scoop ’em up and promise to never let them out of your arms again, all the while knowing that just isn’t practical.

  19. I love this so much. Seriously, I needed to read this today. Now that the parenting decisions are mine and mine alone, I feel more than ever that I HAVE NO IDEA what to do. Thank you for your honesty, it made this mama feel less alone during the loneliest days.

    • I’m so glad Courtney. I can imagine it has to be so hard to all of the sudden have to make the decisions for everyone in the house. I talk myself in circles when I try to figure out the right answer to everything.

  20. I went to Catholic school which started with daily Mass. Mom went every day and I sat with her in the back of the Church rather than with my class. I didn’t want to leave my Mom either and can remember running out of Church after her departing car. When I looked back, one of the nuns was pointing me out to a safety patrol boy. I beat them all home! One day I snuck out of class and ran headlong into the kindly Pastor, Father Murphy. He took me to the Rectory, made me tea with honey, and had a “fatherly” chat calming my fears. I never ran out again. I’m 67 now and made it here without lingering psychological problems, although my mom might disagree! I don’t know how she did it. It will pass and in 60 years Sawyer may write fondly about it.

    • Well it must run in the family because I was exactly the same. I had a terrible time separating from my mom when I started Catholic school and I remember once in second grade that they actually told my dad not to come to our weekly school mass on Tuesdays because I created too much of a scene when he left!

  21. Oh gosh, I am feeling your pain on this one. Ada–my oldest who LOVED preschool–started kindergarten last week and is hating it. The biggest struggle is that I simply don’t know what to do. 🙁

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