When we found out we were expecting triplets I avoided the horror stories. I clicked away from tales of early labor, grim statistics and the unthinkable… losing a baby.
I couldn’t bear to think anything could happen to my unborn children. Truthfully, I wondered how women who suffered the loss of a child continued on. I could not imagine life after loss, burying a child and having to move forward. It was all too heart-wrenching to think about, so I never did.
Then came the day it was me,
when my husband and I found ourselves debating over a casket or an urn, trying to decide if we should hold a funeral or wait and organize a memorial when our heads were more clear.
The unthinkable had happened and I would quickly learn the answer to a question I never wanted to be asked:
How to survive.
First, you find a reason to move forward and you concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and sooner or later you have reached the end of the hallway or a crying baby or an empty refrigerator.
Next, you wake up in the morning, swallow the tears and you get out of bed. Not because you want to but because you have to. Because the school bus is coming or you are out of milk or it is Christmas.
And you repeat and repeat and repeat again, until one day your mind catches up with your body and remembers how to smile and how to live.
But this time it is not for someone else, it is for you. You deserve to feel it all, the warmth and the hugs and even the pain too. Bittersweet memories are part of your life now, who you are.
And you realize it is time to be proud of yourself.
You have survived.
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Thank you for your very wise words – it really does help to see how other parents are surviving. (I still wish that none of us had to figure out how to survive in this world without our children). Sending hope and hugs.
Thank you for writing this. I am on the other side–forced to begin planning for my child’s funeral that is inevitable, yet so unimaginable. Knowing that you and so many of my friends have survived this horror helps me know that I will survive too, even if it feels like I am dying along with her.
Oh my goodness, I’m very guilty of not blog-reading enough to know what was going on with your life. I am so unbelievably sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?
I am guilty of the same! I rarely get on my blogs to read adventures any longer. I think you’ve helped me already. I really needed to read your words, especially this week. My daughter has given us quite a lot of scares this week. We are very hopeful she will hang on a couple more years, but sometimes even that hope is hard to hang on to. Knowing other moms can continue to live after loss eases my mind to the extent my mind can be eased. Thank you.
I’m glad you find some comfort in reading but I wish there were more I can do. Please email me anytime you want to talk fourplusanangel@gmail.com and if there is anything else I can do let me know. Sending you lots of love and strength.
What you said about remembering how to smile is very true! It does take time, but one day you wake up and realize that you remember how to smile. Thanks for sharing.
I wish such wisdom didn’t come at such a high cost. ((hugs))