I just finished the book Not That Kind of Girl: A Young Woman Tells You What She’s “Learned”
To retain my level of mildly cool and almost-informed, I had to stop myself from raising my hand, shouting “Pick me! Pick me!” whenever others asked who read it and for opinions on whether the comments were taken out of context. I should not tell you that I originally began this post by typing Dana Lehman instead of Lena Dunham only to later turn my Kindle on and realize I had no clue who I was about to talk about.
Anyway, on to my analysis of the book… to make a long story short Lena has been accused of molesting her sister because of events she recounts in the book. Before I even got to the chapter of the book that is being debated, I have to say I was sort of jealous of Lena’s writing.. She is raw and honest and speaks openly about everyone and everything in her life. Revealing too much or too little has always been a struggle for me. I’m often so worried about what I’m going to say or who is reading that I write nothing at all. As my kids have gotten older this has become more of an issue for me and is my official excuse for why I have 132 posts in draft.
As I read how openly Lena discussed everyone in her life I was a little jealous. Why can’t I write confidently about the embarrassing decisions of my twenties? Am I not grown up enough to put it all out there? Look at Lena throwing people under the bus, I’ve barely tossed an ant in a puddle during my writing career.
But the controversy unfolded as I was reading the last quarter of the book, causing me to read the rest a bit differently. Did the people in her life, who she talks so intimately about, get a chance to read the book before she published it? Were her stories intricately placed to illustrate her quirky life or was the booked edited down to crude stories for shock value?
Unfortunately, the media coverage jaded my opinion of the end of the story.
There’s a saying by Anne Lamott I’ve seen over and over again in writing:
“If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
I’ve pinned it on Pinterest and liked it on Facebook and probably shared things I shouldn’t have shared, patting myself on the back with this phrase (I love you Anne Lamott, if for some insane reason you ever stumble upon my blog please don’t hate me for dissecting your quote). But maybe it’s not always true. Maybe it’s not my children’s fault that their mother is a writer, or my parents or my siblings’. Maybe it’s my responsibility to take ownership of what I choose to write, to think carefully about whose story I’m telling and the reasons I feel the need to tell it.
Writing has always been my therapy but no one in my life asked to be dragged to the therapy chair, names fully disclosed. I would like my blog and my writing to be a diary of my life and my views, one that my children look forward to reading one day in the same way they’ve eagerly sounded out the few (very few) words in their baby books.
Lena’s book is raw and honest and has some hilariously funny lines but it’s too much. There are too many blinding spotlights in other people’s eyes, too many vivid recounts of friends and enemies who might not be comfortable enough in their skin to see it in black and white. To an extent, this is what memoir is but in my opinion, not to this extent. Writing and blogging and social media will always beg the over-sharing question and maybe the answer is: what do we have to gain by sharing too much?
In the book, Lena talks about what she would like to say about people when she is old and gray and they have all gone and as I read that I thought… but haven’t you already said it?
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Wow. I could have written these words myself. I mean, I haven’t read that book (though now I want to), but I do struggle with how much to share and not share. i try to limit my writings to my story, my perspective, but that gets tough. And even in doing that I often do write things I know someday I’ll regret. But I’m doing my best. I do want to be honest and I want connections to stem from that place. So I think a lot of what I do online is trial and error. There is no right balance for us all. There is only a right balance for us. I admire bloggers, writers who share so much but I am learning not to be swayed by their balance and instead just listen to whatever feels good to my heart. I may be wrong. I sometimes am wrong. But I think that’s okay. 🙂
I completely agree, I write what I feel is okay to share and then sometimes. later on, I wish I hadn’t shared something and then other times I’m so glad I did. I think as long as we’re conscious of other people’s feelings then we’re doing okay.
I write about my family on my blog. I use their real first names. And I post their pictures. I don’t find this scary at all and I don’t really see what the big deal about it is. If I were to publish a book about my life I wouldn’t feel the need to hide all of that. Why do we feel so scared and insecure about the blogging world? I have met some of the best people in the world through blogging. Will be adding this book to my TBR pile. Thanks for the review
I also struggle with how much to share and it stifles my writing. I think words come with responsibility, much deeper than Dunham may have imagined. Maybe, she’s just naive but I think it has more to do with arrogance and greed in the form of book sales. I think about how her words could trigger bad memories for victims or worse, how they could incite pervs. Words evoke powerful images for people and writers are tasked with using their powers for good, not evil.
Oh I love that you wrote this today, because this book has been at the top of my must-read list for weeks now (and way before the controversy came out about it). It’s funny–like you, I’m so guarded by what I include in my blog and I try so hard to be respectful of those around me who might not like to have an appearance. And there have been trysts, and lovers, and exes and I always think to myself “what if they were writing about me? How would I like to be portrayed?”
On the one hand, I respect anyone who can openly share these kinds of stories for the world, though I personally would hate to be on the receiving end of that. What if something I said or did was taken completely out of context and now people have formed an opinion about me that isn’t true? It’s a risk every writer takes when they put this kind of information out there.
That all being said, I’m still very much interested in reading this… but I do wonder–what must her sister think about all of this?
As much as I am torn about the book, it is still a really good read. Until the controversy broke, I read it, impressed by how much she shared and that this was all okay with her family. After I read what was happening I started second-guessing her “bravery”.
I don’t even know who Lena Dunham is, but I have already read so much about this book. Like you I have many drafts that I am not certain to hit publish on. Especially now one of my kids is in his teen years. I think that I am always accountable for what I choose to write. And I will never consciously write something that will harm my kids. I also rarely write about my marriage. Though it is my choice what I choose to write about, I do struggle with this. There are things about my childhood that I want to share, need to share but don’t. I am very aware of the fact that it will affect others too. And I don’t think that I should take that lightly. I love your objective non judgemental review of the book.
I feel the same, especially as my kids get older and I think much more about them as people rather than just little toddlers emptying the cupboards. The longer I blog the more I realize that what I write never goes away.
Great review. Thoughtful, honest, non-judgmental.
And now I want to read the book just so I can confirm how right I already think you are.
I finished reading the book right before I was made aware of the controversy surroundin it. Honestly – without the commentary, I really loved it. Mainly because it was so honest and fearless. But I’ve always been aware (since binge watching the first few seasons of Girls last spring) that SO much of her fearless over sharing is tied in with her age. If I had a blog or a facebook account when I was in my twenties (or – godforbid – COLLEGE), the amount of information about me that random strangers could access would be at best, alarming. I’m not saying that I think she won’t be as candid about her personal life as she gets older…but the combination of her youth and personality make for….well, THIS book.
And I’m with you – I have a million and one stories that I’d love to tell about my crazy family members…but it’s just never going to happen. I can’t help but be in awe of this bizarre little girl’s audacity.
As for the claims that she molested her sister – I am embarrassed to say that this never actually occurred to me while I was reading the book. And I was sexually abused by a family member until I was four. Sorry for the over share ( in a comment no less!) It’s not something I often talk about…but it’s not something I feel the need to keep private either. I just thought it was interesting that (with my own personal history) I literally laughed out loud when she was comparing her attempts to elicit affection from her sister to the tactics employed by sexual predators. The story that people found really disturbing though was something she did when she was seven and her sister was one. Again – I didn’t question whether a one year old was developmentally capable of doing what she described. And I have three children who were one year old only seven to eight years ago! Talk about an easy audience… Ultimately, I have to agree that her editors failed her on that one. True, exaggerated or fabricated memory – it was going to raise a lot of red flags (except for me of course – cringe).
I don’t think I’ve written this long of a comment since 2009! But all of this has been on my mind, and I love how you pushed aside the speculation and judging and just said that bottom line, we need to consider how much of what we write is our own story and how much belongs to others. It’s a good question.
I love all of the thoughtfulness in here, about the book and even more so about writing one’s truth in general. So much to think about!
Thanks Deb, I read your article about the book yesterday. It was excellent.
I’ve always hated that quote by Anne Lamott. Mostly because it absolves, to some extent, our reactions to the actions of other people in our lives. They should have behaved better is our excuse to point out how we are the injured party, we’re the one struggling, we’re the one who deserves to be heard and never takes into consideration our stories are not just our stories. The people who weave in and out of our lives are there to teach us and sometimes the lessons are painful and horrible and wrong. But we are a mere thread, the main character of our novel and a supporting role in another’s.
My story is not more important than that of my children, my ex husband, my parents, my siblings, my friends. “They should have behaved better.” Well, perhaps, I should have behaved better.
As you wrote, being a writer is a responsibility and we must take ownership of our words. Our friends and family did not ask for their lives to be displayed for all and sundry to judge and devour. The nerd in me would rather apply this quote to writing: “With great power comes great responsibility.”
Really interesting, Jessica. I’ve been wanting to read this, mainly because one of my best friends told me she loved it and thinks I would too. Anne Lamott also says to “write as if your parents are dead.” I’m too chicken for that. I think I’ll just wait for them to die before I tell *those* stories.
Haven’t read the book and probably won’t. But here’s my opinion –
I am EXTREMELY careful about what I write on my blog, even though it’s somewhat anonymous (I guess if someone was really looking hard for me they could find me – but I don’t use my last name or say where I live or use my kids’ or husband’s names or show any recent pictures). If I was writing about something really painful and personal that involved someone else (my husband, my kids etc…) I might change details to protect them. I would definitely keep the truth in why I wanted to share and what the experience was, but perhaps remove them from it, or change them to someone else.
If I want to put ME out there it’s one thing, but I have no right to put THEM out there without their permission. And there are many stories I wish I could share that I just CAN’T for that very reason. Some things are meant for my journal, NOT my blog. I understand completely wanting to share experiences in order to help people, but I shouldn’t HURT others in that process. That’s how I approach writing about other people…
I love you for writing it in this way. For me, the actual appropriateness of the behavior is a gray area; I think it’s off the wall, but I wasn’t there and know that she thrives on painting herself an “unreliable narrator.” What irks is the way she’s appropriated her relationship with her sister to make it SO MUCH about her and her quirks that her sister is nothing more than a prop in her own journey. I have no idea how her sister feels about it, because I am so not cool enough to hang out with that family, but even if she *is* ok with her story being out there, I would have to wonder if it’s because she’s never known any differently.
When I started writing about it I wasn’t sure how it was going to come out. I agree with you, I don’t have a concrete opinion on her behavior when she was 7 but I do have strong thoughts about her responsibility as a writer. I initially thought that she was very quirky with an extremely liberal family but that’s the story she tells, not necessarily how things may be.
BTW, I’m so glad to have your approval on my semi-book review. xo