A few years ago I blogged about one the first heart-wrenching conversation I had with my children after they asked a question about their sister. I received a nasty comment from a reader telling me that if I had not been “selfish” and told them about their sister I would not have to talk to them about her at all. The commenter went on to say that children should not know that babies can die.
In part, he or she was right. Children should not know babies can die, because babies shouldn’t die. But sometimes they do.
When they do, we follow our parenting instincts and do the best we can to explain the unexplainable and we talk through tears and answer questions when we can barely speak because all of our children need us.
McKenna has always been extremely sensitive to the loss of Hadley, asking about her sister long before I was ready to talk. She has asked if Hadley can come to Easter, if we can pick her up from the hospital and, most recently, if we can plant a flower tall enough so she can reach it from the clouds. Her words are as comforting as they are devastating.
While switching out a few winter clothes the other day I reached the top of the closet where I hide the memories too painful to look at every day. A few years ago I would have sat on the floor alone and cried into the box but this time I had help. My daughter walked in just as I was turning her sister’s hospital bracelet in my hand and she had a question for every item I pulled from the shelf. Her questions walked me through memories I’ve kept to myself and as I handed her the answers, I knew she needed to hear them as much as I needed to share.
I’m not sure there is ever a “right” way to talk to children about losing a sibling but I do know every conversation we’ve had has been necessary. McKenna, of all of my children, just knows. Sometimes I think she knows more than I do. Denying my children’s right to know about a part of their life, a part of their family, might spare me a few tearful conversations but it will not erase the reality of what happened to all of us.
So no, I don’t think my children should know babies die and I wish with every piece of my grieving heart that I didn’t have a reason to tell them.
Comments
Powered by Facebook Comments
I hate for any child to HAVE to know about death. It’s scary and mostly because parents can’t reassure its avoidance.
But I have a theory in my head I just can’t shake . . . Modern medicine, safety measures, and education have made juvenile deaths less and less common. So uncommon that children are far removed from its possibility that its likelihood falls into a fantasy like or storytelling category. I can’t help but believe this contributes to school shootings and increased suicides. Modern children are not scared of death and don’t realize its finality. Unless they’ve been exposed to loss and the grieving process, that is.
I think what you’re sharing with your children is INCREDIBLY healthy but certainly not the safe or easy route of parenting. Keep taking the harder road. The world will thank you for your children’s empathy and compassion one day.
I cannot believe someone actually said that to you. I am so mad for you. I wish my kids didn’t have to know that kids get cancer and that sometimes the doctors – and God – really can’t cure and save them. But this is what we deal with. We don’t have the “luxury” of only dealing with our own grief. We have to handle our other children’s grief and questions as well. No, kids shouldn’t know; but they aren’t stupid, and we shouldn’t treat them like they are. Love you, Jessica.
Thank you for sharing your story, in spite of the pain. I think it is beautiful that you spoke to your children about their sister. It may be hard for you all, but she is a part of your story, your family. And while the brokenness of our world isn’t beautiful and harmless to our children, let alone our selves, it’s important they see it through their parents lens first, through the lens of God’s promise for good, even in the midst of pain. Praying for you, Mama.