In the beginning it was the minutes, the hours, the months.
I tried to remember every detail, the weight of her in my arms, the almost-blue of her eyes, the shape of her eyelids as they closed.
I felt panic rise as the days passed and memories blurred, I couldn’t forget a thing. She was my daughter. I wouldn’t.
Repeating over and over in my mind our short moments, our last day, I hated that the edges of my memory were beginning to blur.
I called the hospital once, over a year after her death, convinced they might have one picture of her that we did not.
Praying they had some file containing one more piece for me to hold onto, I waited while the staff found a way to tell me there wasn’t anything more.
I was left with what I had. It needed to be enough.
There are still days I comb my brain for those memories, wish for something I might have forgotten, but I’ve made a bit of peace with time and its need to move forward.
I don’t remember Hadley’s life as a before and an after anymore. She’s woven into yesterday and today and is pulling a ribbon of light through tomorrow.
I will always wish for more time, more memories and the childhood she deserved, but I don’t count the months and years so much anymore. They’ve blended into an appreciation for the gift that was and always will be my daughter.
Her life, so much more a part of mine, than her death.
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Sending hugs and love…
I love your words about her being woven. I’ve stopped counting too, about my dad, about Ben and just live with the love they brought into my life.
This was beautiful.
Aussa Lorens says
I’m going to share this with my sister in law, who is going through a similar loss. Thank you for sharing your world with us.
I love you.
Please never stop writing about Hadley and your love and your pain. You are helping so many in their respective journey’s heal and you are helping me understand —
You are such a gifted writer and such an amazing mother.
I think of you often.
Holdng you in my heart today xoxo
Kathy at kissing the frog says
I wish I could stop counting and just remember. xoxo