Four Plus an Angel

Life after loss with one teenager, two surviving triplets and a rainbow baby

Like the boys

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I took the kids to see "Alice Through the Looking Glass." Parker had been counting down the days until its release.  Unbeknownst to me, he had also been debating on what costume to wear to the movie theater since seeing the trailer. He came downstairs ready for the show wearing an orange wig and the Mad Hatter hat he worked so hard to purchase this year. I got choked up when I saw him because I'm so proud of this kid and how he owns who he is. Growing up I was an incredibly self-conscious child and no matter how badly I wanted to wear a pink wig while imitating Jem on the sidewalk it was not going to happen-- someone might laugh. His siblings followed suit, picked out less-flashy Continue Reading

My children’s book for preemies is here!

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The first time my kids emptied out their big sister's books and made small towers of their reading selections they all still fit in my lap and there was no pressure to encourage anyone to sound out anything. Looking back this was such a luxury but I'm sure at the time I was wishing someone's head wasn't smushing my nose into my face while pinning my head to the couch. They chose a book with mice climbing a family tree on the cover, Ashlyn's name listed right under the title "On the Day You Were Born." I squeezed them all close, preparing to flashback to their newborn days as I walked through their sister's. But as we turned the pages, not a single one applied to their rocky Continue Reading

What you can do during Autism Awareness Month

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If you talk to most autism parents they will tell you that they quickly tire of Autism Awareness Month. Every day is Autism Awareness Day in their homes and most of the world is pretty aware at this point, especially with 1 in 68 children affected. They will tell you that we don't need awareness, we need action. Before you buy a puzzle piece ribbon or head out for a blue light, spend some time making a difference in the life of someone on the autism spectrum. Here are just a few ideas: What you can do during Autism Awareness Month 1. Take someone with autism to lunch, a movie, a ball game, the park, a museum, wherever their favorite place may be. If their favorite place is home, hang Continue Reading

What to read next

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I had planned to write a post soon after the New Year to give all of my "what to read next" recommendations but here we are two months in to 2016 and I'm finally getting my list together. At least I've read even more books so there's more to chose from. Last year I set a ridiculous reading goal for myself on Goodreads and read like a crazy person as the year came to a close because I hate losing, even though I'm not actually competing against anyone. I have not set a new reading goal for this year and am enjoying choosing books without worrying how many pages they have and calculating my number of books read per month. Everyone does this right? I promise I did not enter them into a Continue Reading

Forgiving yourself after the loss of a child

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learning to forgive yourself when grieving

Eight years, three months and 27 days ago our NICU doctor and his assistant gave us a report on the babies. It was a jumble of foreign terms mingled with Baby A, B and C ending with information I still don't fully remember. What I remember is what came next, a few minutes in time I have replayed over and over and struggled to forgive myself for. I remember I took my time, I walked my recently c-sectioned body to the restroom and asked Mark to get me water and he looked at me as if I was speaking Latin. He told me, as gently as he could manage, that we needed to hurry. Now wasn't the time for water or a few minutes in the restroom and he insisted I sit in a wheelchair rather than hobble Continue Reading

Ashlyn’s Autism Gift Guide

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gift ideas for someone with autism

It took a decent amount of bribery and half of December but I talked Ashlyn into making another excellent gift guide for people with autism. Her first one was a hit and I've been trying to get her to do another ever since. Two years later we've got a new list that's just as great as her first one. Here's Ashlyn's picks for this year and why she thinks they are great gift ideas for that person you love with autism (in her own words). Cosmic Ray Wand Fidget This is good because it helps you relax and keeps your mind busy. Vibrating pillow I want one of these because I think it calms people down and it would be easy to take places with me. Slo-Mo Bumpy Balls These are Continue Reading

Don’t pack the gravy dish with the funeral vase

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I had to dig through boxes in our crawl space to find our gravy dish because this is how I do things. The kids were "helping" me make Thanksgiving dinner, covering the table with all the tacky everything I try to hide behind the dishes that match. As they uncovered penguin salt and pepper shakers (Mom the penguins are dressed in snowsuits!) I remembered the gravy dish and how long it had been since I'd seen it last. We have a habit of moving too often which has led to my habit of only unpacking what we need on a daily basis and I guess I'm not a routine gravy-maker. So in between checking the turkey and making gluten free rolls that were later turned down by even the dog, I found myself Continue Reading

You’re a good mom

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A funny thing happens when I get ready to meet a new group of moms. I psyche myself out by assuming no one will "get" me. It's rare to find a mom with exactly the same circumstances as you right? Like maybe we should all wear shirts with a summary of our situation. "Loss mom, autism mom, preemie mom seeking mom-friend equally as neurotic, must carry hand sanitizer" would be my shirt logo designed with a really small font that would be easier to read when I've eaten too much salt and/or chocolate. There's one detail that rings true for every mom I know, no matter what her circumstances, one things that brings us together if we have the chance to talk long enough. We all want to be good at Continue Reading

We are not dog people

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The story will always begin something like this: I was sitting in a chair by myself, no one squeezed between my hip and the armrest or perched over my head.  My phone was in my hand because no one had taken it to watch adults talk in children's voices while they review toys on YouTube and I was scrolling through Facebook. It was after dinner, the dishwasher was loaded and running, the kids were playing instead of fighting and it was too late to rewash the latest load of clothes I had forgotten to put in the dryer. So I was sitting all alone, with nothing to do but look at what everyone else was posting for people like me who are just sitting and then I saw her. This little fuzz ball of a Continue Reading

The space

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There is a space in our family that cannot be filled. At one time it was tiny, 18 inches long, yet to reach three pounds, long and lean but tucked into a bundle dripping with my tears. That space inserted itself into every day. She was milestones unmet, crib sheets unused, car seats returned. The pain of her absence stubbornly followed my every moment. Tears in the shower, aching emptiness in my chest and constant wonder over the functioning world. Our space grew as we did. Two years old, a height evenly between her brother and sister, toddling in places she should be and shouldn't. This space came and went. She woke me up in the morning and reminded me over again how life had Continue Reading

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