Life after loss with autism, preemies and a rainbow baby
Years ago I stuck a photo to the side of our fridge of Mark and I at our wedding shower. I loved the reminder of our early days until I didn’t anymore. Hollowed out by grief I would stare at that photo and wonder who that girl was smiling effortlessly at the camera. Eventually I […]
I would like to say that losing a child turned me into an indestructible momma who will fear nothing because she’s already been through the worst. But I can’t. Losing my daughter turned me into a feather. What was once a smallish issue with anxiety snowballed into a big lump of fear that I carry […]
His last show ended a few hours ago and Parker is already hanging clouds in our basement. While most of the cast waited for pizza and stalked the dessert table, Parker circled the stage as set pieces were taken down. A few minutes later he came out for food, a gigantic cloud tucked under one […]
The weather is changing and conversations head in that direction as they always do. From porch to sidewalk, neighbors shout about the need for jackets or lack of. Somewhere, in line for coffee, two old friends discuss the 20 degree temperature difference from last week. And I promise, right this moment, a group of parents […]
There is an unexplainable hollowness that comes with losing a child. I’ve heard loss moms explain it as a hole in their heart or an empty feeling. I’ve searched for words to do it justice but haven’t found one yet. You grow a child and birth them and before you see how their hair touches their shoulders […]
Eight years, three months and 27 days ago our NICU doctor and his assistant gave us a report on the babies. It was a jumble of foreign terms mingled with Baby A, B and C ending with information I still don’t fully remember. What I remember is what came next, a few minutes in time I […]
I had to dig through boxes in our crawl space to find our gravy dish because this is how I do things. The kids were “helping” me make Thanksgiving dinner, covering the table with all the tacky everything I try to hide behind the dishes that match. As they uncovered penguin salt and pepper shakers […]
There is a space in our family that cannot be filled. At one time it was tiny, 18 inches long, yet to reach three pounds, long and lean but tucked into a bundle dripping with my tears. That space inserted itself into every day. She was milestones unmet, crib sheets unused, car seats returned. The […]
She wore the type of smile put on with morning lipstick. Something in a perky shade of red, rubbed off of glossy teeth and reapplied after coffee and lunch. Her questions began and I knew we were headed for trouble because my safely vague answers weren’t enough. If my conversations with strangers had a soundtrack, somewhere during the […]
In the beginning it was the minutes, the hours, the months. I tried to remember every detail, the weight of her in my arms, the almost-blue of her eyes, the shape of her eyelids as they closed. I felt panic rise as the days passed and memories blurred, I couldn’t forget a thing. She was […]
