-Mommy do you like rainbows because they remind you of Hadley? -Yes honey, I do. -Because when it rains on us she fills up her hands with colors and throws them all the way down? -You know what? I think that is exactly what she does. -Me too, Mommy.
Gliding
Cheeks red and aching from laughter, we headed to the car. I could feel little fingers wiggling through the mittens that met my hands and tried to slow their excitement as it seemed we were moving up and down instead of forwards. After as many snow-tubing runs as we could manage, we were still giggling […]
Jump
I never liked playing jump rope when I was in school. Jumping rope on my own, counting jumps next to a friend, singing songs I can still recite, that was all fine. I just didn’t like jumping with a group. At recess the line would form and we would wait our turn to jump in […]
Remembering together
I had plans to write an inspirational post today, about how the pain of loss gets better as time goes on and putting one foot in front of the other becomes something you don’t have to talk yourself through, but since Friday my world has been rocked to the core like everyone else’s. I need […]
To the sky
Five years ago today was the worst day of my life. As much as I would like to crawl back in time and change the before, shift the outcome, continue the whirlwind of caring for three babies at once, never hear the sounds of my husband’s grief or answer the most heartbreaking of questions from my […]
Five
Together you wrestle with the space inside the computer chair as it knocks against the desk, balancing long legs and long arms and complete sentences. Somehow you are taking turns, or one has just given up the lead and you watch movie after movie of your little selves on the screen. (Because you can do […]
Where
And she’s down
In the past week I have forgotten deadlines, appointments, preschool homework, what day it is and my place on the other side of a conversation. I have tried, I am trying, to be here. I have written words to remind myself about luck and love and tucking away memories and I have gotten out of […]
Hollow
We are tiptoeing towards five years since we lost Hadley or maybe I am stomping. I imagine if you were to brush up against me you would feel the bristle of my moods. As much as I want to be fluffy clouds and light, I am sandpaper and raw edges. I sit at the table […]
Light
We drove to our first day of preschool this morning on a dirt road, stuck behind a tractor, going one mile an hour. It kicked rocks and mud back at my van and trees blocked the sun. We would be late. My little Sawyer, my baby, kept saying, “I see the light at the end […]