Life after loss with autism, preemies and a rainbow baby
There is a space in our family that cannot be filled. At one time it was tiny, 18 inches long, yet to reach three pounds, long and lean but tucked into a bundle dripping with my tears. That space inserted itself into every day. She was milestones unmet, crib sheets unused, car seats returned. The […]
McKenna is lining up Barbies at the window sill and huffing and puffing with an occasional “ugh!” as they refuse to stand. I’ve offered to help and so have her brothers but she has this stubbornness that she gets from somewhere and we don’t fit into the Barbie Fashion Show plan. From the window one […]
Five years ago today was the worst day of my life. As much as I would like to crawl back in time and change the before, shift the outcome, continue the whirlwind of caring for three babies at once, never hear the sounds of my husband’s grief or answer the most heartbreaking of questions from my […]
She interrupted my bedtime tale to ask if we could call her. I wish we could call her sweetie, I whispered, my voice holding quiet, strong. These conversations becoming as much a part of our day as haphazard art projects and tumbling forts. But we can call her Mommy because it’s nighttime. We can find […]
New yarn sits splayed across my lap. Endless rows cover my expanding belly. I hope to recall the stitches from memory. Mindlessly I weave under and over, tiny kicks rumble my work. Undoing my mistakes, I am surprised how much I have forgotten, how much I remember. Stuck at a corner again, I am relieved […]
I tell them when they were inside my stomach they played with each others toes, wiggled the ear closest to them and decided on the best time to meet us. An “expert” once explained they could not sense the loss of their sister. Memory doesn’t form until much later in infancy. But I am their […]
The nurse put cool metal to his chest, smiling at me as his rhythms were recorded, he whispered… “Hadley is in our hearts, Mommy.” “She is honey,” I nodded, in my achingly proud voice, perfected since they began to speak her name. We sat in the beating quiet until my shy daughter spoke up. And […]
I step carefully near holidays. Everything is softer in our home. We are gentler with each other, realizing fallen dreams lean heavily on our shoulders. As the dates come close, I trace them hopefully, maybe time will make it easier this year. In many ways it hasn’t in others, it could be yesterday. So many years […]
Dear Hadley, I want you to know that yesterday was just for you. Your Daddy and I dreamt of the four year old you and how you would spend a perfect day. I shut the door to an overflowing laundry room and we ate out every meal. There was leaf-pile jumping and sword fights […]
Lifting my eyes to the sun, I blink the world quiet. Ribboning waves thread to sands of silk. Golden rays and the tickle of giggles brush me with warmth. This is perfection. But this is grief. Grief is standing in the most beautiful place you have ever known, walking as close to heaven as you are […]
