Life after loss with autism, preemies and a rainbow baby
We decided on a morning hike, pulled t-shirts over mismatched pajamas and fastened shoes that sat unworn for days. Raindrops began tapping at leaves high above our heads as we headed down the drive. Waiting for the first to touch our noses, we wondered about umbrellas or turning back. Adventurous eyes barreled ahead in search […]
Not long ago one of my favorite bloggers, Steph at Adventures in Babywearing, held a giveaway that reached right through my computer screen. She was giving away gorgeous artwork from the very talented Christina of Heart Box Studio. As soon as I looked through Christina’s shop, I realized she had been touched by grief and […]
I commented on a photo of a rainbow someone posted, about how much I needed it, how much rainbows remind me of my daughter and how much I needed a little hello from her that minute. A well-meaning person responded with something to the effect of “I read your story and I could cry all […]
I sat with the kind-natured assistant to our geneticist on Monday, detailing our medical history. The path of my life… Single parenthood. An autism diagnosis. Marriage and step-parenting. Infertility struggles. Is this really me? High risk pregnancy. Premature birth. Infant death. Is she truly checking every box? I recite heart-wrenching memories with medical precision. Speech […]
What I need… I need to say her name without bringing everyone to tears. I need her life to be included in the count of children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews. I need kindness on birthdays and understanding on holidays. I need to stay in bed and a reason to get out of it. I need […]
No one told me that the age of four is the age of we-will-try-to-talk-you-out-of-going-to-bed-every-single-night. The latest bedtime avoidance technique is called Three Million Questions. I have explained away why we do not have chicken on Thanksgiving, why it does not snow in the summer and why I can’t make the snow come RIGHT. NOW. MOMMY. […]
Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. At 7pm I will light a candle for all of the babies gone too soon, for mothers with empty arms, for birthdays without rustling paper, and holidays without hopeful eyes. I will wish for less tears, less heartache and a world where only clouds dance in […]
Dear Hadley, I want you to know that yesterday was just for you. Your Daddy and I dreamt of the four year old you and how you would spend a perfect day. I shut the door to an overflowing laundry room and we ate out every meal. There was leaf-pile jumping and sword fights […]
Lifting my eyes to the sun, I blink the world quiet. Ribboning waves thread to sands of silk. Golden rays and the tickle of giggles brush me with warmth. This is perfection. But this is grief. Grief is standing in the most beautiful place you have ever known, walking as close to heaven as you are […]
I am asked often, how I manage to keep my calm each day. (This question may have come up several times since my son developed a new found love for permanent markers.) I wish I had a short answer for this question, one that does not change the mood in a room or leave eyes […]
