Life after loss with autism, preemies and a rainbow baby
I don’t have a photographic memory but I can tell you exactly what I was doing on November 1st, from 2008 to probably 2012. My head was tilted to the side, probably leaning on some doorway, either in reflection or in search of a two second nap and I was watching my kids, in a […]
I’m not sure which one of them told me their version of the story first but I know they were wrong. They had gotten ahead of me, as they always did and figured out a story that I hadn’t yet told. Bedtime books and too much Elmo were to blame. My children thought they followed the […]
When I was pregnant with the triplets I spent at least half my days of hospital bed rest searching for a “Big Sister of Triplets” shirt. They were easy to find in size 2 or 3T but no where to be found in 12 year-old sizes. My excitement when I finally found one probably caused […]
Having a baby (or two, or three) in the NICU is an extremely isolating experience. Parker spent 77 days there, McKenna 72 and Hadley, not nearly enough. I was there for every single one of them. Not because it was some heroic effort of motherhood, because it was a necessity for my survival. I couldn’t […]
The nurses always asked if I would rather hold them one at a time or maybe shift one to the other arm to make it easier. I would snuggle them in a bit more, remembering how long they were together and how quickly they were apart. Willing the bond of multiples to work its magic, […]
We laced our hands together at bedtime and she asked, as she does so often, about “the baby hospital.” Where was your bed Mommy? Did you only sleep when I sleeped? I realized something I never had before. She thought I never left. Those agonizing months of saying goodnight to my babies in the NICU […]
I called to make our first ever Thanksgiving dinner reservation at. a. restaurant. I’m pretty sure this is illegal in some families and states. How many in your party? As I explained that three of our diners were small and a booth would be great because they just fall through/off chairs, the voice on the […]
An hour deep into an endless bedtime and he was perfecting his somersault. Exhausted and yearning for five minutes of quiet, I gave up and let him play until his never-ending energy ran out a bit more. He moved his circus act to my computer chair and insisted on a “Baby Movie.” My sigh was […]
Then I was young. You were born right on time, your due date. You were smiles and challenges and growing up together. Now you are almost grown. You are A’s in Math and contagious smiles and you are never, ever late for a thing. ——————- Then you were Baby A fragile and small, serious and […]
The nurses would always stop and ask if I wanted the volume turned off. My answer, the same every time. Laying in my hospital bed, I was lulled to sleep each night by the sound of three beating hearts. Despite the constant scares of impending delivery, their rhythms gave me hope. They were very much […]
