Life after loss with autism, preemies and a rainbow baby
Half of my Instagram feed is expectant mamas, counting down the days until their family grows. I fell asleep last night remembering my days of sitting with an expanding stomach, listening to Ashlyn tell me about her day. If she mentioned a class, my mind could recall the color of the folder needed, an event at lunch […]
We moved the kids’ carseats together so they are all in one row. They wanted them that way and some minutes everyone is almost singing Kumbaya and others I am singing “No one say anyone’s name or touch each other or breathe in your sister’s hair.” There is constant chatter now that all three are […]
Mark and I escaped on a rare date night over the weekend and shopped with no timeline. We wandered through aisles looking for a few missing pieces for the kids’ rooms and I was caught off guard by how much we don’t need any more. I tried to cure my longing for all things small […]
Right now I am balancing my laptop with coffee in hand, drinking it while it’s hot. Sawyer is upstairs watching Alvin and the Chipmunks with eyes drooping from fresh air and the weight of his lashes. I can hear Parker, McKenna and Ashlyn’s giggles drifting through the window. They are playing drive-thru window in their […]
In my previous life I was the director of a nearby autism center. We ran many kinds of programs out of the university-based center but my favorites were the programs that involved the siblings. There was something about these kids. My daughter was still an only child at the time so I had no idea […]
Seventeen years ago, while Ashlyn flipped in my belly, pressing to my ribs, I watched the terror of the Oklahoma bombing unfold. Full of pregnancy hormones and fear, I felt the urge to walk with my arms wrapped around my expanding stomach, protecting my first born from the world I was about to bring her […]
I try to form their circle, linking fingers as quickly as they lose hold. Long and skinny hands envelope chubby toddler knuckles, all growing into the shape of my husband’s or mine. After pulling away and reaching back again and again, they are finally one. Stepping aside, I sing for them as they turn together. […]
Since my kids are so close in age we have never really needed to invite friends over. They either play with each other or keep me spinning in so many circles that I am unable to actually leave the home and find them a suitable playmate so we stay home entertaining ourselves with a never-ending […]
She interrupted my bedtime tale to ask if we could call her. I wish we could call her sweetie, I whispered, my voice holding quiet, strong. These conversations becoming as much a part of our day as haphazard art projects and tumbling forts. But we can call her Mommy because it’s nighttime. We can find […]
Dear Sissy, All I wanted was a few markers and maybe some Easter candy. But Mommy was one step ahead of me… your door was locked, from the inside. I tried to break in with a hair pin but there are some things that even I can’t do. So instead, I left you a big […]
